Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

If he isn't doing his share of the chores and childcare whilst you're both working full time, then he can't have it both ways. He either steps up with that side of things or accepts that you drop some of your days. My only reservation is that you don't want to get yourself into a position of being wholly financially reliant on him and with no pension. What if you ever split?

But how much of that money that went to pay off the mortgage would have been there if he had to be responsible for dc 50% of the time.

Yes he earned more but only because he had time and space to do so.
Time for him to start splitting the child stuff, cooking, cleaning etc 50/50 and if he is unable to do drop offs/collections or any other house hold task tand then he needs to put dc in wraparound care on those days he is supposed to have dc and find a cleaner etc

Leave this man xx

Things don't have to be the same to be fair. But if they are not the same, then both partners have to agree that they're fair.

The OP doesn't seem to feel that the current set up is fair because she is doing more than her fair share of childcare. That is perfectly valid.

Her H doesn't seem to feel that the OP giving up work would be fair either. That is also perfectly valid.

So they either need to share everything 50/50, or they need to negotiate an alternative split that they both feel is fair. Neither side should be able to just impose their version of fair on the other.

If you both work full time why is it you that's doing the lions share of the kids related things?
If he earns more then you should be able to cut your hours. Your kids will benefit more from having you around more than money

Again, taking this thread as a hypothetical situation.

I am surprised IRL the number of women that are ' homemakers' whilst ' The Man' earns the money, goes golfing , jokes about not having a clue what the kids are up to etc.

These are women sometimes under 30 that do a few hours as a catering assistant at lunchtime at school, at the very most.

They have absolute nothing when the DH fucks off with a younger woman, and find they have to put up with constant infidelity so they have a roof over their heads.

This

YANBU OP in my books. I went back to work for a year after DC1. Then it became apart my full time job and being default parent was sending me to an early grave. Me and dh agreed I would be sahm.

Now have 3 dc (reception, pre school and baby) will go back to work when all are at school. In my eyes you never get these years back and they are precious. My husband wants them to have a parent there for them all the time and he earns well

I don't know where and how this myth developed that earners are dependent on someone at home for their ability to perform well at their occupations.

My earning power has never been affected by my domestic arrangements, activities and obligations over the years. My skills and marketability are what they are, and I've always been able to organize around the needs of my employer.

People insisting that breadwinners couldn't achieve without "the little woman" at home are kidding themselves. And they underestimate the cost of having a full-time SAHS. Providing everyting for an able adult is VERY expensive.

Maybe OP ears more than hiring a cleaner for a few hours would cost, and the family would benefit from that income?

(also my cleaner is much better cleaner than I am)

Well, that would be fair enough, I suppose. As long as the OP is ready to cover her 50% share of all the household bills.

On the one hand, people are saying that he has been able to work longer hours in order to earn enough to pay off the mortgage, and that this has been facilitated by the OP picking up more of the childcare.

On the other hand, people are complaining that he isn't doing 50/50 on childcare despite the fact that they are both working full time.

Either he is working longer hours in order to bring in more money, in which case, it seems reasonable for the OP to take on more of the childcare.

Or they both work the same amount of hours, in which case, he should absolutely step up and take on his fair share of the childcare and housework.

If the plan is aving kids at home and doing the lion's share of housework so when he's off work, you can all enjoy family time instead of both of you being exhausted, then that's a win.

There's a balance OP, where it can work if it benefits the whole family, not just you.

Swwms like he sees it as you having a jolly whilst nothing changes for him.

If it was your money that made you mortgage free I’d understand but it’s not. It was his. Why should he pay for everything. Keep working and stop being a money grabber.

I hear you and agree with you. If you are mortgage free and don't HAVE to work 24/7 then seems completely reasonable and sensible to drop a couple of days and have more time at home. Everyone is a winner.
I think it's an impossible task getting everything done at home whilst firing on all cylinders at work and have time to be a relaxed fun and loving mum and wife. I don't understand the rage against you wanting more time at home with 2 very young children.

It is fair enough he doesn't want you to give up work. It's a big burden only having one parent working, even if your outgoings are lower. Bringing up a family does cost a lot. There are of course other reasons why not many families choose to have a SAHP.

However, I would definitely look at options for reducing your hours. Your dc are v young and you would save money on childcare, so if you are on a low wage, it might make little difference to your income but a big difference to your lifestyle. Working 3 instead of 5 days is what I did, along with a lot of my friends, and it was a very happy balance. I increased my hours again as the children got older.

Give me strength! Have we slipped back to the 1980s or are we in 2025?

What about you pension contributions? Are you assuming that you will have enough to retire on?

What happens if you divorce? Are you going to hope that you will get enough state pension? Get online now and check your current level of contributions.

Honestly your job gives you financial freedom. Why do you want to be forever dependent upon your partner or any future inheritance?

I can’t believe your replies OP. Your kids will only be this young once and seeing as you are doing the lions share of their care outside of your full time job then it is completely reasonable for you to go part time or even leave work completely whilst they are this young! Of course you are shattered!

Op I know a lot of the posters are saying you’re being unreasonable. I however think you’re entitled to a few days a week to enjoy your children. My DH was keen for me to be able to look after my children when they were small so it’s a situation that is odd to me. Can you even reduce hours to give you a break?

Could you both afford to go part time, is possible?

Or would your skill set lend itself to a term time only role?

the money you’d lose on salary would be made up by not spending as much on childcare.

They share very young children she is not a money grabber what is wrong with wanting to look after your own children now and again! Money is not everything this is time she will never get back with those kids!

I think people are being a little harsh.
I Think you should at least sit down and talk it through as an option with your DH.
How much less would you have a month if you factor in not paying childcare?
Do you have the type of job where it would be fairly easy to get another one in 3-5 years when both children are in school?
Does he even want to stop working and look after children all day instead? If he doesn’t then it being unfair on him isn’t an issue is it.
Why does he think it’s fair for you to work full time and do all the kid stuff too? Why isn’t he helping?
Do you do all the housework too or do you have a cleaner? Because you wouldn’t need to pay for that if you stopped working.
You being at home for a few yeywould probably be better for your children, that’s got to be a factor worth considering.

By your logic, he should see to it that his salary reduces so his wage is tiny too. Then he'd be equally entitled (and it is entitled) to jack in working.

My advice is, yes sort out the domestic labour issues. But mainly, if you give up work your age do some serious financial research, the impact on your pension, your ability to survive if the worst were to happen (divorce, sickness etc).
If that is all covered then its more about getting him on board for a lifestyle change. Sell him the gains of the plan. What would be easier. A happier, less knackered wife? Lovely home and well fed family? A bit of DIY done. Activities planned, happy kids spending quality time at home? Sounds like he is not on board and sees it as you taking advantage so you either need to show him why it isn't you just being lazy and what the benefits are. Or, admit you are feeling kind of lazy and forget it. Or explain it is a temporary thing as you are knackered but have a clear plan to go back to work then they start school.

I think it’s a mistake to give up work completely, but can you look at part time at least until the kids start school?

I think you possibly would be unreasonable to want to give up work entirely but let me guess that yo udo the lion's share of all the housework and genearl running around after the kids?

My husband earns alot more than I do. We are also in the lucky situation nof being (almost) morgtage free. I work 80%, he works 100%. I do bit more of the general running around than he does. He does his fair share but the fact that I work 80% means I get a bit more done and he appreciates that. The 20% drop in my salary is worth it (according to him) for a bit more "headroom" as a family. Would similar be an option for you?

If you are both working full time then the domestic/childcare duties should be split down the middle as far as possible