Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

It is if he doesn't agree to be the only breadwinner.

Would you be ok for your DH to kick in his job to be a SAHD ? Without working things through with you first just because he wanted to, no matter what you want

How is that even a question?!

If I was the OP’s DH, I’d be pretty pissed off that my wife’s reaction to my hard work in paying off the mortgage was to step out of the workplace!

I was an older mum too only I had three. We were fairly equal earners but as I approach retirement and having put all three through uni, I am very glad I kept on working!

Is it okay for the OPs DH not to pull his weight at home because he's the higher earner? Perhaps if he shared the parenting and housework more the OP might not be so exhausted and want to give up work.

Never said that was ok. But thats not the point. They can always get a cleaner in although with everyone out at work and nursery all day there be less mess than a sahm in the house with kids

The point is that it's not up to one half of a couple to decide to kick in their job and expect the other person to support them . You still haven't answered the question about whether you'd be happy for your DH to suddenly decide to leave work

He was happy to support me when my kids were young, so yes, if I was the higher earner I would have been happy to support him being a SAHP.

It’s not up to one side of the couple to decide they don’t want to pull their weight with domestics and childcare and expect their spouse to support that.

Both DH and I went part time to look after the kids at different points and we also were the main earner when the other did further qualifications.

So we were both happy to support the other to do less paid work for a while with a specific goal.

I agree, I’m shocked at the amount of pps hectoring the poor OP. The children are so little and we are in work for such a very long time. There must be no quality of life - both kids and children shattered after a long day, so it’s a quick tea, bath, bed before she’s getting them up early next morning and the slog starts all over again. No time to enjoy being a parent and weekends tend to be about catching up and preparing for the week ahead. What a life when it doesn’t need to be like this. No time to enjoy slow days.

Going part time then working full time later is surely the best solution

But if he'd never supported you financially would you feel the same? Just because he fancied not working?

If so you have more patience than me as no way would I be supporting another adult financially just because they didn't fancy working

So why is that only important for the OP but not her DH?

There's a difference between staying at home to raise their young children for a few years and just deciding to give up work.

But Both partners have to agree. Rather than one deciding to give up work and expecting the other to support them

Both partners have to agree if one wants to do significantly less childcare and domestics. DH has simply decided he’s entitled to this and does it anyway, without any consideration for his partner who has to pick up his slack and is now so exhausted she wants to give up work altogether to have time and energy to do what he expects her to.

I have no idea why everyone on Mumsnet seems to think equality is based on sameness. Things don’t have to be the same to be fair- or to be the right thing for the family.

if I was you, I would want to devise the labour by him capitalising on his ability to earn a much higher salary, and you capitalising on your ability to provide a lovely family life for everyone.

I think your husband is being weird and controlling, and I would be disappointed too. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to optimise family life and show care.

And you don’t have to keep a low earning job now just in case your marriage doesn’t last forever. And I say this as a divorced person who earned an average wage, got divorced, realised I wasn’t earning enough and pushed myself to earn more. If you have to, you’ll figure it out.

if you need to in the future, you’ll adapt, that doesn’t mean you have to make life harder than it had t to be now.

And both partners have to share the load at home if both work full time. Being the higher earner doesn't mean he gets to do nothing at home.

Mumsnet is full of resentful working people. If he is the higher earner and you don’t genuinely need your salary at the moment then taking a career break so that one of you is running the home some more and/or looking after the children (out of choice) makes perfect sense.

There are a lot of people who have this set up but won’t talk about it because the feminists will shoot them down for it. I will caveat though OP that it is important to have some of your own savings and a pension.

Would you consider part time? It can be really tax efficient as a bigger chunk of what you keep is tax free and is much easier to justify financially.

It is really stressful for one person to have to be the sole earner, it places a lot of pressure on that person. Going part time you keep your career going, it feels much more temporary and easy to step back up when kids go to school. If you stop entirely honestly its hard to pick it back up.

Do you get home earlier with the kids? Tell your dh he is cooking 3 nights a week, you will eat a simple dinner with the kids and once he starts cooking for both of you you will join him for dinner, but you’re making sure you’re fed while he adjusts to having a working wife as that seems quite difficult for him. Ditto laundry. Leave his. Book in ballet or something on the weekends and he can take them at a minimum every second week. You will cope with working better once you have a husband who thinks he’s a partner and acts like it.

While I agree OPs DH should pull his weight at home, I don't think people here can see it from DHs perspective. I can, we have a couple of months left on the mortgage, thanks to my hard work.
Do you know how much I look forward to having that money left over, so we can use it for savings and investments for DC, house renovations etc? No, I don't think me putting in all this work should mean that now DH is entitled to a relaxing life and 'time to himself', while I continue earning just as before, except we'd have less disposable income.

But it’s not a relaxing life when you do everything for the house and dc.

when she plans to have the DC at home only couple of days, and the rest of the time for herself, as OP wrote? I would consider it relatively relaxing compared to being fully responsible for family income.

Good old Women's Lib.

Now, as well as bringing up the children and doing all the housework, women have to work full time as well. And, if they dare to wonder about giving up work to save on nursery fees, and be a tad less exhausted, they get screamed at by other women, for daring to suggest that a man actually provides for the family he has created.

Fucking madness.

Op did not suggest that she gives up work to be a "lady that lunches". She doesn't earn much, so most of her salary will be eaten up in nursery fees, therefore, she's suggesting, that for the sake of a few hundred quids difference a month, it might be best for the whole family, if she temporarily stops working, and takes on all the childcare. Everyone would be less stressed, the house would be less chaotic, and the children would get to be raised by their own (less stressed) Mum, rather than strangers. Not only that, but she's willing to let her career and pension take a hit for doing so. Seems like a very ideal solution, to what sounds like a currently stressful lifestyle.

But well done Mumsnet, for making her feel like she's totally unreasonable. When did women stop seeing the bigger picture, and stop being supportive of each other? I absolutely despair.

Op, I would think you had a great idea, but alas, your DH sounds like a bit of a dick. The only upside, is that at least by working still, you're not compromising your career, CV and pension. You might need all of these things if your DH leaves. I'm so sorry you're stressed. Raising young children whilst working FT is so hard, so I hear you.

Because he isn’t showing any interest in spending time and effort with his children from what is indicated in the OP’s posts. It’s not unnatural for a mother to actually want to slow things down and take a break to be with her children in their very early years, though you’d never think it judging by the torrent of replies to the first opening post. I wouldn’t advocate giving up work but reducing hours. With so much money spent on two children at nursery, financially they’ll likely break even or even be better off and the OP will certainly be better off emotionally.

I agree with all you’ve said here

Could you both reduce your hours? If two full time salaries are not needed would two part-time salaries work? I think we should all be pushing for more equity on this. My mum was a sahm in the 80s, as most were, and she always felt that it just wasn't normal to have the kids with one parent the majority of the time not fair on them or us. I do think we should all be looking at a fairer split and in some countries both parents having the option to reduce their hours when kids are small is supported by employers. It is better for family life in my opinion then one parent doing the lions share at home and the other working long hours to trying to earn to keep everybody. Resentment builds on both sides and kids end up knowing parent more than the other.

@TheCaribbeanIsCallingMe

Op, I would think you had a great idea, but alas, your DH sounds like a bit of a dick.

He sounds like "a dick" for working hard to earn the family some security and for not wanting to now compromise that?

To quote you, "I despair".

The only upside, is that at least by working still, you're not compromising your career, CV and pension. You might need all of these things if your DH leaves.

It's not "the only upside", but yes, people do think about those things very carefully. How many times are there posts on MN from people who've done exactly that - given up work and assumed they'll always have their spouse's income behind them - and then found themselves scrabbling around trying to get a minimum wage job when their comfortable life collapses before their eyes as their marriage breaks down...