Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

Whether it's fashionable or not, every able person should be earning his/her own living. And life can turn on a dime. If the breadwinner dies, is disabled or runs off, then what?

Both parents should be capable of supporting their family, and part of "being capable" means staying in the workforce, keeping skills and network up to date, contributing to pension, etc.

The OP is already contributing to the house by doing the lions share of the childcare and household tasks.Without which Mr high earner couldn't do his job.

Why not change to 4 days a week? That might make the difference you’re craving and give you a bit of breathing space.

How much is your salary if you don’t mind me asking?

Your “small” could be someone else’s “big”.

It’s great that you’re mortgage free, but I can see how you giving up work could make your husband resent you and put extra pressure on him.

You say you work full time? So im assuming both children are in full time nursery? Could you go part-time at work? Or look for another job with part time hours?

Well, that depends to be fair on how much of a high earner he actually is. It might be that he could quite easily pay for his half of household bills as well as a nanny/cleaner for his half of the week.

It sounds like he’s financially got you into this positive position and he will still need to work, yet you’re wanting to give up work due to his hard work. I kind of get why he feels the way he does

How about you suggest you go part time? 3 days per week will mean the kids get to see more of you and will mean school holidays are much easier to cover when that time comes. You won’t be so reliant on holiday club. Term time means you can cover all the jobs off so less housework at weekends or evenings for you both.

If he is insistent that you both work full time, you need to be insistent child related things and cleaning is 50:50

He needs to do more.
He doesn't appreciate all you do, so do a lot less that benefits him alone.

You could say that about anything though. You could work, hate is and resent missing out on spending time with your kids and drop dead at 45.
A full time worker with a SAHM could find the SAHM becomes disabled or passes away and then is unable to continue with that job and way as there is 3 or 4 kids to sort.

well we don’t know exactly - given how many single mums get by The lions share may be more than anyone really needs to do

but clearly there needs to be a discussion and a better balance reached.

giving up work is a really bad idea if there are deeper problems

Dear oh dear.
In this case- guess what. There is already the best possible nanny / cleaner that there can possibly be who actually wants to do the job 100% It’s called the mother!
Why are we so keen on shunting mums out of actually being hands on mums?

I think you are getting a hard time. If I am reading it right, you are both working the same, but you do most of the childcare and housework? No thats not fair. So either, you give up work (although I cant tell you how much I advise against this, keeping your financial independence is so important, especially as he doesnt sound that great TBH!), or you re do who does what in the house work and childcare. Dont know why people are being mean to you.

Going against the grain, I think you are right. Your children are only small for a very short period of time. I say spend as much of that time with them as possible. Would he be more likely to say yes if you express it as being at home with them for a couple of years, just til the younger one is settled in school?

We don't know that is the case.

Well that is what she has said, so we can only give advice based on what the OP tells us. No reason to think she is lying?

Agree.

I think first looking at household routine and jettisoning unneccessary tasks / commitments is a good first step. Sometimes people come up with busywork to fill their time, but it's not really more important than paid work.

I'm not trying to shunt anyone out of anything. I have no issue at all with people choosing to be a SAHP if that is what works best for everyone in their family.

I'm simply saying that it's ok for someone to feel that they don't want to be the main breadwinner if that wouldn't work for them, and that nobody has an inherent right to be a SAHP simply because they want to.

And also to make the point that it isn't necessarily the case to suggest that high earners can only do their jobs because they have SAHPs to support them...because that patently isn't true. There are a few jobs where this may be true, but in the vast majority of cases, it isn't.

I don’t think you're being unreasonable. If your salary is relatively low and you're taking on most of the housework and childcare, then it seems perfectly fair to me.

I know my view might not align with the majority on Mumsnet, but I often wonder how many of the responses on these kinds of threads are influenced by jealous, especially if you’re in the fortunate position of not needing to work

This.. and yes your husband had the ‘right’ to feel as he does, but I know a lot of husbands, mine included, who just want to see their wives happy and if they can afford it, are only to happy to be the sole earner.

I am not jealous. I think its unfair that the OP is working full time and doing most of the childcare and house work and this is what needs to be addressed. But I also advised not to give up work. My exH wanted me to give up work and be a SAHM but I resisted as wanted to keep some financial independence. ia m so glad I did as he left me after 12 years for his receptionist. My job gave me more than just a bit of money, it was a lifeline to my sanity and self respect in a very difficult time. The OP's DH does not sound great TBH so giving up everything doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

If you’re doing the majority of the child raising and house work and working full time then something does need to shift.

You’ll need to reach agreement on what that shift is if not stopped paid work completely.
Reduced hours.
him stepping up and doing 50%. Nursery runs, childcare, household tasks, cleaning and cooking. He needs to do more or he needs to find a solution.
Cleaner and other help at home.

He has every right to say that giving up work won’t work financially but what’s his solution?

What is your financial position? Savings, pension etc
What’s the plan for two children fairly close in age if they want to go to uni? You should be saving for this especially wirh a high household income as their student finance will be the basic loan.

What if you get divorced at some point in the future? Sounds like you would get plenty of equity but you might need to take on an additional mortgage and you’d need to work. If you had been out of the workforce for years that could make things extremely difficult. Yes it’s a worst case, but certainly not impossible, scenario.

And that's fine if they are comfortable with the arrangement, but not fine if they don't want to be the sole earner. Not everyone wants that pressure.

Could you put it to him that you are struggling while the DC are small but have every intention of returning to work later? It sounds like he feels under pressure to be the sole provider but isn’t appreciating your contribution. If it was a temporary state while the DC are most demanding he might be more amenable.

This! I don’t think things have to be the same to be ‘fair’. The early years are precious, you could spend more time with the DC and do more of the household tasks. As others have said, if he wants you ton work full time, he needs to do half of the household jobs or you can both decide to get outside help. I can’t imagine my DH or I insisting the other worked if it wasn’t necessary. We would either let the lower earner do more at home or both go part time.

I happily do the lions share of childcare (and did, by working compressed hours) but I am very glad I outsourced all the cleaning and housework and used that time to build my career, my savings and my pension.

(And in doing so helped another mum have a flexible job she could do around her child care)