Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

YANBU my DH has never made me get a job in our 30 years of marriage. He's always looked after me and the DC financially. I raised now the kids. Now they are all old enough to look after themselves (for the most part) I just work part time

My exH wanted me to carry on working full time when our two DDs were little. He also wanted me to organise all the childcare, be the go to if they were sick, carry the mental load of the home and parenting … I chose to LTB. Best choice I ever made!

YANBU. It seems selfish when your salary is so low and the family would benefit from you being a stay at home mum. I can see why you would resent him.

If you are to continue working full time then you stop doing the lions share of everything. Otherwise he's taking advantage. 50% housework, 50% cooking, 50% childcare, 50% household admin, 50% school drop offs and equal time off work to cover child sickness etc. Stop going above and beyond for his family, that's his responsibility.

I would say keep working its always good to have your own income/money.
However...you have said you're working full time and you're shattered from looking after the children. Are you the one doing the bulk of the childcare? If so, why? If you're both working full-time then the childcare needs to be split 50/50, along with the housework, washing, cooking etc. You need to sit down with your husband and talk about this.

Write a list and he does half of everything in it. He will soon realise how exhausting it is. Personally I think part time is ideal with kids at that age as its relentless when they are little.

What if you were to go part-time?

I”m not sure why OP is getting all the hate, I don’t suppose she is proposing to sit on her arse all day. There might be savings in childcare, dog walker etc and some people would be happily to plonk all the domestic crap on the other partner. I know someone in a similar position but still with a small mortgage. One adult DC not at home ( not my friend’s bio dc), friend gave up her below average paying job to be a 1950s housewife, saving on cleaner and gardener. She does everything around the house and garden, and I mean he does not even put a cup in the dishwasher. She even gets up at 5am with him to do his breakfast and make a packed lunch for him to take to the office. Does perfect dinner parties for work colleagues, goes to the gym, gets Botox etc looks 40s rather than late 50s, honestly it’s like the Stepford wives. But they are both happy with the arrangement. It’s not for me, I’d be throwing things at him but she hated her job and is happy doing domestic drudgery and flouncing around and he’s happy not lifting a finger once he gets home

Your problem is he views your financial contribution as less so thinks you should also do all the child raising and im guessing housework? Push back and either he does half the domestic work or you reduce your hours

i haven’t read all the posts but think it depends on your income and how significant that really is. If you are doing tho lions share of the household jobs and working full time then it’s fair there is some compromise if your salary is quite low - maybe part time work if not giving up entirely. I think if we had the option for me not to work and spend more time looking after the children and doing all the household tasks then my husband would agree to it. The fact he got so angry about it is the most worrying part - you should have been able to have a sensible conversation about it.

So sensible and practical

only think to add is to save a bit for the kids too

I agree.
Your children are at the most trying age - you can up the work hours once they are both at school. At those ages it is the most effective time to have more time for them as you won't be paying for expensive nursery etc.

It sounds like you are doing all the other jobs in the home to make up for having a smaller salary - so that you can do all the other jobs in the home.

Just because he earns more doesn't give him the right to dictate to you. You are supposed to be equally co-parenting and working together as a team. IIt sounds like you've taken a hit in your career, sacrificing a higher wage, pension, savings to allow him to plough ahead and earn more. I bet you are the one who will be expected to cover for the 3.pm afterschool pick ups, take them to afterschool activities and cover for all the school holidays - whilst he continues to rise in his career and complain that he pays for everything.

Why can't you do it on a temporary basis? and then while you are off, plan to retrain or whatever is necessary to get your career and independence back again.

I hope you manage to have a reasonable conversation together about how to navigate this as its no joke being exhausted all the time.

And you clearly have an anger issue yourself. This is the second thread on which you’ve posted exactly the same comment about them being ‘ragey and clicky’. Newsflash. They’re not. Some people actually come to MN for genuine support and advice so maybe remember there’s an actual person involved here and stop treating the forum as though it’s your personal playground.

Have you asked him if he'd like to give up work and be a SAHD?

Maybe he is expecting you to grow your career so that he can do that, especially if he has done the early years (and paid off the mortgage which is quite an achievement).

I don’t think you should give up work, but perhaps this is an opportunity to find a job you enjoy more (and you could take a wage cut to do this, since your outgoings are better than most with the lack of mortgage). I’m saying this on the assumption you don’t enjoy your current job because you want to give it up!

You’re both right. Little people are exhausting but I agree you need the financial security of two incomes as little people are also expensive. Make sure DH is carrying his weight with child care. Hire help if you haven’t already.

If you’re both working full time then all the share of housework/children should be split fairly. If he’s not doing his fair share and is leaving it all down to you then I don’t necessarily think it’s bad that you want to be a SAHM since you’re doing everything anyway.

Are you OK? I'm sure I read a similar angry reply from you on another thread ....

You’re going to get roasted here. I think the problem is that you both work full time and then you probably do all the childcare and household workload as well. Maybe you could suggest part time hours to give you time to do the bulk of the household duties. Or, suggest if your OH wants you to continue to work full time you devide up the housework and childcare evenly and see what he answers to that. I think he reconsider you working full time.

He basically thinks his job is more important than yours - despite you both being full time. Hence he expects you to pick up all the slack at home too. Which is quite unpleasant of him.

Maybe he would be happy for you to go part time and reduce the children's hours at nursery , so you can spend time with them.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to not work or go part time when your children are young. Both of you working full time when your children are so young is a bit much when you’re mortgage free and doing well financially. Doesn’t he want his children to have at least one parent around to take care of them. You’re provably exhausted too - especially if a lot of the extra household work and admin falls on you, which given you’re female it normally does.

Could you drop down to 80%? Give you some breathing space but still working.

I think it was a perfectly reasonable suggestion, especially since he doesn't seem to share the load with looking after the kids. If they're still preschool age, there's plenty of time to get another job in a few years time, once they're a bit more independent. It's rubbish of him to expect you to work fulltime and do everything with the kids and the house when you're in a comfortable financial position.

100%

YANBU - you have very young children who you have every right to want to spend more time with than keep on earning money you don’t want or need. You’ve got the right priorities and values.