Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

This

your husband seems like he thinks the only reason the house is owned is because of him… did you not pay the mortgage too?
100% make sure you have a good pension and savings for yourself
From experience I would recommend keeping your independence.
Does your husband pay half the childcare?

I can't believe so many people are saying you're unreasonable! Children are only small for such a short time and there's literally no substitute for having a parent at home. It'd be different if you had big bills but you don't. We have a small mortgage so I work part time and do most of the childcare / house work etc. My husband has told me lots of times he wouldn't mind me giving up work but I like keeping my foot in the door. Would this be an option for you? Modern living is a race to the bottom... People are actually shaming you for wanting to be a SAHM it's nuts. If you do end up going part time or SAHM just make sure he has some time to himself at the weekend and he'll be delighted

So unnecessary 😒

Honestly op never make yourself vulnerable but giving up work. Maybe reduce the days you work but your dh could do the same too.

Can you work part time if you’re doing the bulk of the childcare? Assuming you are because you’re so shattered

This exactly. It's like a crime now to want to raise your own kids. No wonder so many kids have poor mental health. We should all work to live, not live to work. The OP is the main caregiver and most kids benefit enormously from having an engaged mum at home.

Did you have more help when you were raising the children across two different households?

You are Not being unreasonable, if he is fortunate enough to earn a decent salary and you don’t NEED to work, why break your neck doing it. Children are a lot of work and it is exhausting.. I hate to say it but I would think a lot of the people commenting that you are being unreasonable, are people that couldn’t afford to give up work or their partners wouldn’t let them either and it’s probably jealousy. I personally wouldn’t be with a man that had the opinion that I HAD to work.. my work is the home and my beautiful children (while they are young at least).

But she does NEED to support herself financially, and do her part to support her family financially. The husband hasn't agreed to be the sole income.

She needs to evaluate her household, see what can be cut to save time and effort, and then make sure he carries his weight domestically. Putting the family on a more precarious financial footing is not the answer.

Declutter so that tidying and cleaning is easier, have less ambitious meals, cut kids' activities, eliminate frills like birthday parties, or whatever else causes so much stress. Just lead a basic life until the children are older.

@Needspaceforlego It's unfortunate that so many don't have the option of going part time due to those reasons. That's a bit different to what I was saying though.

Yep! 42% of marriages end in divorce.

Do some sums based on going part-time and dropping paid child-care. That might work?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable .
If you’re working full time , have 2 small children and you’re doing everything in the house + doing everything related to the children then no wonder you’re exhausted.
Everything needs to be split equally or outsourced.
You could cut your work hours or stop working till the children are a bit older

I'd push for working part time, especially if you're doing the lion's share of childcare and home management.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable- your kids are only young once and if you can afford to have some extra days with them why wouldn’t you? Then a couple of days for yourself (and do to the domestic stuff!) overall you may all be happier. You can go back to work when they’re older. I’m part time 0.5FTE and it works perfectly as a balance. We could have a nicer house if I was full time but we are happy. Just because it isn’t paid housework/mothering is a job too! And it sounds like he’s got lucky having you doing most of the chores and working. He’s only managing his high paid job and being a parent because you’re picking up the slack- you have contributed to the financial success of the family too. We see our family as a team! Another option is him dropping a day of work to spend with kids or housework and you going part time. I actually can’t believe some of these replies.

@ChristmasSpirit99 id drop to 2/3 days .
I would def tell him you need to sit and sort out everything 50/50 until you drop your days.

If he doesn’t step up then you have good cause to do the kids and home full time and he works outside the home full time. .

You pay may be small in your eyes, but you are also ensuring your state pension contributions. You may be credited for the years of child rearing, but you will need a minimum contribution total to qualify.

If you are not already saving for a private pension and you do not need the money you earn (or the net amount after expenses) you can put most of it into a private pension scheme for yourself.

Haven’t RTFT and assume it’s been mentioned but is going part time (4 or 3 days) not an option so you can spend quality time with d.c and get on top of some chores whilst dc are playing/napping?. With reduction in childcare and tax potentially it may not make a huge difference to your salary

I hope OP didn’t read the first few unhelpful ‘stay in full time work and do everything at home you lazy cow whilst your DH gets to focus on his oh so important job’ and left the thread. I can’t believe those replies. Talk about setting women back!

This is incorrect.
The term gold digger [usually a woman] refers to someone who is with someone for their money and wants gifts and presents from said person and not work themselves.
OP is not a gold digger but neither is her h. They currently both work and therefore aren't gold diggers.

Can you refer us to which posts suggested that she should stay in FT work and do everything at home?

This post.

This post

This post.

So many - basically all the first page of replies are basically a pile on to the OP. Saying she’s being completely unreasonable.

So it’s fine for the woman to do everything at home and work full time whilst the poor man works but doesn’t do his fair share at home. Of course his career is more successful! Why do we think that is???

Come on OP, surely you must know you’re being ridiculous and very unfair on your husband. Why should you get to give up work just because you’re mortgage free? The kids will be at school soon so it’ll be easier. Why can’t you just stay in work and use the ‘mortgage money’ to pay for a cleaner/gardener/window cleaner etc. It will take the pressure off a bit without your husband having to worry about being the sole breadwinner.