Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

So it is bizarre that a man doesn't just accept anything in order to make his wife happy? Meanwhile, there is no obligation on her to have to consider whether he is happy?

For how long exactly does the fact of her having been pregnant and given birth mean that her needs should take priority over his? Is that a lifelong thing now?

You say that it's just because he wants extra money, but we don't know that. Perhaps he wants more security, or he doesn't want the pressure of being the only earner. Those feelings are also valid.

I’m sure we all know men who do 50:50 including my own DH but in that case they usually do it from the start.

In relationships where men have to be compelled to pull their weight they either agree to their wife going PT, don’t do full 50% or do it under sufferance and a tendency to shirk wherever possible.

And how is she going to pay her half of bills and her personal expenses?

Well, so what if he is doing it under sufferance. As long as he is actually doing it and not making a big song and dance over it.

The OP can give him a choice. He gets his act together and does his fair share of the domestic stuff without complaint, or else she goes part time.

The one bit of info that we don't have at the moment is whether or not they are working equal hours. They are both full time, but it isn't clear as to whether he is having to put in extra hours to bring in the extra money. That will obviously need to be factored into the equation.

Doing it under sufferance rather implies making a song and dance of it.

As OP is having to put in extra hours herself his working hours aren’t directly relevant.

Well, yes they are relevant if the OP's extra hours at home don't equate to his extra hours in work. They should both have equal leisure time, so if either is doing more than the other, then that isn't fair.

The OP will be working under sufferance, and he will be doing his share of the housework/childcare under sufferance. Either of them might end up making a song and dance of it, or they might not. But unless they can mutually agree on an alternative way of splitting responsibilities fairly between them, then they will both have to suck it up.

This is what I wondered too.
It also depends on what ft work you're doing. If you're working your t#ts off for a minimum wage then coming home and doing all the housework and parenting ..... well quite frankly id Jack off the husband before my job. But if its a level playing field I see why he'd be annoyed at being the sole earner

You are working full time with a 2,5 and 3,5 yos?

Are you a default parent as well, covering the children's appointments and time when they are sick?

If you are in lower paid job anyway, some kind of part-time would sound very reasonable to me.

In the end, do you and you DH has similar amount of free time? If not, who has more and why?

Just stop doing it, stop taking control of the mental load and keep asking him

what are we having for dinner? when are you deign the grocery shopping? when is the parents evening at nursery? do we have loo paper? have you hoovered? should I clean the bathroom or have you already done it? Have you seen my short, is it in the laundry?

keep asking and don't stop until you get answers...

In a nut shell, selfish so I'm with h on this one. You give up work so I am expected to carry on slogging. Mmm, door could be opening for you Jane with a boot.

to be honest OP he sounds like a gold digger

he wants you to work full time and work full time at home whilst he just works full time,

It’s highly unlikely that his hours at work amount to total childcare and domestic hours given the nature of them.

However marriages are not a factory rota, if you’re in a mindset of jealously monitoring relative hours as you seem to be, it’s not a healthy relationship,

OP most certainly does not have to suck up doing the majority of domestic and childcare. In fact she could potentially be better off divorced in that scenario. That’s certainly the conclusion some women come to those circs.

Yep.

She says she does the lion's share of the work at home, we don't know exactly what that means or what the actual split is.

It has nothing to do with keeping an exact tally of hours, and nobody feels the need to do that when the load is split fairly. But when one partner feels that the split isn't working - which the OP currently does - then of course it makes sense to assess what each partner is contributing in order to try to find a better balance.

And yes, she might be better off divorced. Some people do. Then again, some end up being much worse off. Only the OP can judge if the relationship has got to this point. (But if things are heading that way, the H is unlikely to agree to putting her in a situation which may entitle her to a bigger share of the assets).

And to be clear, I have not anywhere said the the OP should suck up doing the majority of the domestic work and childcare. I have actually said that she shouldn't suck this up.

However, she might have to suck up remaining in paid work and her H might have to suck up pulling his weight at home.

This! And amazed at all the women on here ignoring this fact and telling you to continue with two full time jobs.

It’s oh so easy for him isn’t it? Of course he wants you to continue. You working has no impact on him as you cover most things at home and to do with the kids.

If you both work equal hours then get him to do 50:50. He’ll soon see the benefit of you going part time. Oh and nursery is easier than when they go to school so he needs to start thinking of being at the at school gate at around 3.30 half the time (and 9am drop off too). Or employ childcare/ Nannies to do this. At more expense.

A full discussion to be had OP. You shouldn’t have really taken this all on and let him get away with it. It’s the opposite of equality really.

In the meantime, if you don’t have a cleaner/gardener etc get them. You are running yourself in to the ground and it’s not healthy.

Unless he is prepared to take on more responsibility with the children and the home, he shouldn’t be stopping you from dropping hours.
When we had dc I went part time. Joint decision based on the fact that I was prepared to do most of the child care, cooking and cleaning. If you were doing the same anoint in the home - well yes that would be selfish but as it is, I don’t blame you at all for wanting to quit.

Could you both go part-time?

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time here OP.

he earns more money - but you work the same hours as him for less money?

but he doesn’t want to do 50/50 chores, cooking, kids, life admin, mental load etc etc

HE needs to make the choice then doesn’t he?! Either he picks up 50% of that or you work less/ stay at home.

if you’re firm on the above - they usually realise they are being twats and are happy for you to stay at home.

Hello, you are lucky to have cleared your mortgage, but you used the terms his stocks and shares etc., I'm guessing DH earned shed loads more financially than you?
You are in this together, you work full-time, do you feel 50% valued?

Can you both reduce your hours.
Also are you being used as a non paid childminder?

How much does he pay into his pension monthly? If you are working and doing the lions share of the childcare, housework and home admin, start shovelling more money into your pension - if possible, to exactly what he and his company are paying in to his (you can pay in your whole salary if you want, btw).

Tell him you’ve realised that of course, you do need to continue working to get your pension up, especially since you took time out on maternity leave to birth his children, so you are making it up now.

If that means he has to pay all the bills, that’s too bad. Your pension pot becomes your payment for the childcare, housework and life admin that he doesn’t do!

Hello,

The opening lines about DH and the mortgage being paid off by his stocks and shares, suggests that you don't feel equal in your relationship?
You work full time, can you both reduce your hours?
As you are looking after children, is this because they are your grandchildren?
If you are being used as unpaid childcare then that's a discussion with your children.
Don't treat yourself as being inferior, you are not.

I’ll be the odd one out and say no it’s not unreasonable. You have young children, what’s so wrong with dedicating yourself to them? You can return to work in the future if need be. My mother was a housewife (never worked) and cared for me and my sister. I have a wonderful relationship with her and she was always there for me as a child. The role of the mother is extremely important but it is not valued nowadays.

What is your salary vs the cost of your mortgage?

How much is childcare?

I could never give up work whilst my partner continues working full time.

But if you’re paying out for childcare then it makes sense to reduce your hours, especially if it means that you do more with the kids and cooking, cleaning etc.

If you and DH work the same hours, then u assume parenting, chores, admin etc should all be 50/50 regardless of salary.

How about part time? It's always best to have some extra money coming in if you are both able to work. On the other hand, being miserable and exhausted isn't life so could it be possible as a break for a while? Xz