Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

I think the problem here is that OP has already been doing majority of housework and childcare while also working full time. So now when she presents a proposal that she will "only" do the house part and no longer the earning part, there's nothing in it for the DH, nothing will improve for him. From his perspective, he has worked hard to pay off the mortgage - but family won't have more disposable income, as OP wants to quit.

So in OPs shoes, I would tell DH that current division of labour is unfair and needs to be re-assessed. Either he does his fair share or agrees that OP does less of the earning.

omg how smug of him - as if money is the only way one achieves success in marriage
tell him you are going to work part time. -
you have lots of responsibilities for care - frankly i don't know how you do it
be firm

As we’ve covered nor is it fair to expect a partner to work FT and do most of the domestics/childcare - which is the situation OP’s in.

Maybe you’re not in the kind of professional jobs with super long hours common in London. Parenting by text is definitely a thing - even the subject of a talk at my kids’ school.

You do realise how much children cost?
Clubs, clothing, holidays, school trips, gifts all gets more expensive as they get older. Then possible University fees, and living costs. Then driving lessons/car. Then possible house deposits. That’s assuming you’re not paying private school fees.

Then house maintenance and improvements. Not cheap.

You're content for your DH to pay for all of that. Or should he stop working and you keep your job and pay instead?

With the rising cost of living OP I would certainly not assume that not having to pay rent or mortgage means you are financially secure.

I think that’s a fair assessment.

Yes. So, given that her H doesn't want to be the sole earner, the solution is that he needs to step up and do his fair share of the domestic load.

I agree.

Wow. I'm not sure what generation you are, or the people making the first replies to this, but 'not working' ie, not economically active, with a desire for a different kind of life is not a default setting that indicates selfishness. I know many families who have decided to live with a lot less money, one parent working, home schooling children who have chosen to live differently / more poor than most of us. It's a matter of knowing what your values are. How do they coincide with your husband? Rather than 'not working' what is it that you desire to do with your portion of the family's time? How might that benefit you and your family?

Tbh if you don't need the money then it does seem mad for you to work full time with small children. We have a mortgage and I work part time so I am very present for the kids. Yes we could have more money if I was full time but I think all our lives are a bit easier with me part time.

I think its valid, we both work FT ,and we earn about the same.
He takes the kids to childcare and has them at wkends cos I work in retail.
I do the cooking 6 days a wk, he makes the lunchboxes and does the dishes.
He does washing at the wkends, but I do it on my day off, and I have to put it away (he says cos he does it wrong)
I do all the cleaning, he sometimes tidies the front room and takes the bins out.
I do full food shops, he picks up odd bits.
My commute is 50 minutes and his is 12, my working day is longer.
Anything for xmas, bdays etc is my responsibility.
Anything car related is his.
My kids love their pit so he gets a lie in every sat and sun. I get one when I have my one wkend a month off, as most of my days off i have to do the school run.
Is this an equal split? Cos im absolutely shattered all the time!
We do know that women do the majority, tho sometimes its cos it's just easier to know its done in good time and order.
Its not right, and its not OK. But I would be happy for him to drop a day, or even two if it meant I could do less!

Jezo, Ive only read the first page of responses as they made me so sad but I sincerely hope you got some more positive responses after that OP.
What you are wanting is totally reasonable, it is so so valuable for kids to have a SAHP if it's feasible for the lesser paid parent to step out of working, real shame your husband doesn't support it.
I'm so glad my husband has always encouraged me to spend as much time with my kids as I can. I've always kept on a little part time work but that's just personal preference. I really hope you can show your husband the value of what you could bring to your lives if you had more time at home. Good luck.

Which, realistically isn’t that likely to happen. More likely he pays for a cleaner and OP carries on with childcare.

In relationships I’ve seen when the DH is compelled into true 50:50 they have changed their mind and said ok work PT quite quickly.

'won't let me' @ChristmasSpirit99 are you his child?

Why aren't you having an adult to adult conversation? Have you looked at the impact of your suggestion on your future finances etc?

Well, if he changes his mind, then that's fair enough. Some men aren't interested in pulling their weight at home, and they have to accept that there are consequences to that.

I do know men who genuinely do 50/50 though. Perhaps it is more common in relationships where the woman is the higher earner as they don't get to hide behind their big important jobs.

I think it’s important to have some adult company and conversation in the work place. It’s also important have financial security. You just need more help at home. Would you be able to afford a cleaner to come once a week as a compromise instead of leaving your job?

I think it’s important to have some adult company and conversation in the work place. It’s also important have financial security. You just need more help at home. Would you be able to afford a cleaner to come once a week as a compromise instead of leaving your job?

Maybe negotiate?
Do most of childcare and housekeeping
That's a full time job anyway
So sad mum's can't stay home while their kids are young!
How on earth is that entitled?
Did the man have to give up time and energy and some health even to have these 2 kids?
Mum's sinply sacrifice more , so it fair that mum's have to go through pregnancy and labour?
Where's his equivalent of that?

This. YABU, of course. If you have spare money, get a cleaner / gardener/ whatever you need to ease the load.

Plus sounds like rocky marriage, you need to keep your job going in case it ends. Blows my mind any woman relies on a man financially.

His equivalent was probably slogging his guts out to pay the mortgage off and supporting the family financially through two periods of maternity leave.

They have each contributed to the family in their different ways. They now need to agree on how they are each going to contribute going forwards. That could involve a choice in which they mutually agree for the OP to step back from paid work in order to focus on the home and kids, but that has to be a mutual decision.

This is true.

It may also be a consideration for the H if he thinks the marriage might break down in the future.

Yes
But the fact was that he was 'able' to do that?
Physically he didn't have to go through pregnancy etc
He also never had a break from his work
And he clearly had the privilege to have a stable job.
How do we know that his wife didn't give him the emotional stability he needed to even do this job?
Anyway, the kids are not 10 and above
She literally has babies!
It seems so bizaare that a man is unwilling to give his children a happy mum? Instead he wants a tired wife and tired mum, and later he'll also probably blame her for looking tired.
Fair enough if they needed the money but he just wants extra?
Pathetic honestly

Gosh, if only part-time jobs existed……

That sounds good, Christmas.

Please don't mind me asking but do you have a cleaner? I know that made a tremendous difference to me and didn't break the bank.

The other thing could be outsourcing ironing, neither you nor he wants to be chained to the ironing board with umpteen shirts, blouses and other things.

Ordering groceries online is good too.

You can relax if you do that, it's worth working into your budget. You'll both still have quite a lot to do at home but without the drudgery.