Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

He sounds like a dick for not pulling his weight.p at home and expecting OP to pick up his slack. OP is working equally hard, indeed harder, to the point that she’s exhausted and he refuses to hear.

This.

posters keep saying the family would be “less stressed.” The breadwinner would be under significantly MORE stress.

Cleaner AND nanny though? Didn’t get the impression from her posts that she earned more than that

The OP stated that the children are in nursery, presumably full time, given that both she and her H are in full time work.

She said that, if she quit her job, she planned to take them out of nursery for a couple of days a week and have the other days as time to herself.

So the savings on childcare would equate to 40% of FT nursery fees after any free hours etc had been taken into account. I'm guessing that she probably earns more than this at present.

It seems that the feelings of the breadwinner in these situations never count. Or else the SAHP just assumes that the WOHP will be less stressed with someone to pick up the slack at home because they actually have no concept of how stressful it can be to be the sole earner with total financial responsibility for the family.

There is no breadwinner in this situation (which means the sole earner) they are both working FT.

I’m not sure why you think the feelings of the partner doing all the wifework don’t count.

I haven't said that at all. Quite the contrary, in fact - I have said that she should push for a fair split of the domestic labour.

And yes, you're right that they're both working at the moment, but she wants to stop. So in that scenario, her H would be the breadwinner.

It would obviously be less stressful for the OP to have 3 days a week to herself with no job and the kids in nursery. However, that would involve her H taking on the role of sole earner, which would probably be considerably more stressful for him. How is that fair?

No he wouldn't. His job would remain the same, but he would have much less to do at home, because Op would cover it when she was off. Everyone wins.

Have you ever been the sole breadwinner for your family?

Yes, I have.

So have I. I don’t know why people make such a big fuss about it.

Fair enough. You clearly didn't find it stressful. Many people do, however, particularly if they are in sectors where there can be instability or a lack of job security.

As the main breadwinner in our family, I was beyond stressed when Brexit hit my sector hard, and even more so when I was eventually made redundant. And that was with my DH still working, it would have been infinitely worse if he had been a SAHP.

I find being the one with primary financial responsibility for the family to be quite a lot of pressure. If given the choice between doing 50% of housework and childcare or having a second working adult to share the load, the second working adult would win hands down.

DH did spend a short period as a SAHP when we moved house. He did pretty much all of the housework during that period, though I was still very hands on with dd because I wanted to be. Being excused from the housework didn't make much difference to my stress levels at all - it's just housework!

unless you're independently wealthy and working just for the fun of it, I don't believe people who claim that being solely responsible for providing for the family is not stressful.

And OPs DH would not have much less to do at home, OP is already doing most of it, as she says. Which is not fair, but that's a different topic anmd does not change the fact that for OPs DH, things would not be easier if OP would not work.

Yes, totally unreasonable. What fully functioning adult without significant caring responsibilities thinks it's ok for someone else to bankroll them - especially if the other person is not happy to be the sole breadwinner.

Have you considered lowering your hours a little bit. giving up work completely sounds mad and not normal thinking!

Being excused from the housework didn't make much difference to my stress levels at all - it's just housework!

Same, and I usually do housework and childcare after (or before) work, not at the same time. My work is still the same and my salary is not affected by the fact that I put laundry on after work. Yes sure it would be more convenient if DH and I didn't have to juggle our work schedules or business travel around each other - but it's really not such a massive issue, compared to having a second earner. One really doesn't need to have a SAHM 'facilitating' their career. And OPs husband does not agree that this change would benefit him and the family.

If it's 50/50 with the housework you don't really have a leg to stand on. He doesn't want to support you so not there isn't much you can do about it.

If it isn't 50/50 with housework - stop doing it.

What fully functioning adult without significant caring responsibilities thinks it's ok for someone else to bankroll them

Well she has a 2.5 and 3.5 year old and does most of the child related stuff.

You could equally say, what fully functioning adult thinks it’s ok to expect someone else to cover their share of house and child related duties.

I agree OP doesn’t have the right to opt out of earning, if her DH isn’t happy with this, but he also doesn’t have the right to opt out of doing his full share of house and kid stuff.

I agree with this.

I am the main high earner. I am a woman. My STBH works part time. I regularly work 12 hour days and often have to work weekends. My STBH does the lions share of during the week child care, housework, dog care. I would struggle without that level of sharing. It's not a myth to me at all. Of course i could manage, but the way we share the load helps enormously and i would definitely struggle. I would be paying for additional childcare, additional cleaners, dog care etc. it is unpaid work for him.

I find being the one with primary financial responsibility for the family to be quite a lot of pressure. If given the choice between doing 50% of housework and childcare or having a second working adult to share the load, the second working adult would win hands down.

Well I hate housework and I like my work, I also didn’t love childcare when the kids were small - so having a second adult to do the stuff I didn’t like was great.

I agree. Never having to worry about the kids and negotiate time off sick when they’re ill especially if you have a sickly child with myriad hospital appts, never having to ring the plumber or do a food shop or even think about what’s for supper is very convenient.

I don’t actually think it’s the support for the spouse that is the major issue - it’s more time for the kids and a less time-pressured household. Parenting by text - is the reality when both partners are working long hours.

I think it depends on the industry they work in.
Some roles can be done in reduced hours, doctors or dentist could easily have less patients on their books.

Being a manager of other people its probably not going to work if you are the person who is responsible and incharge of those people. I'm thinking factories or construction.

In some industries you will also limit your opportunities for promotion if you are part-time.

I'd agree too.
There is a limit to how much childcare can be outsourced, our afterschool closes at 6pm, which can be tight for parents who commute.
Also Kids actually want to see their parents.

There is also travel its easy to travel to courses etc if you don't need to think about getting kids to school or do pick up.

And that's totally fair enough if that set-up works for you and your spouse/partner. We are all different and there is no one "right way" of organising family life. But it isn't fair enough to expect the higher earner to be the sole earner if they don't want that responsibility.

I think it partly depends on how much flexibility you have with your jobs as well. DH and I both worked very flexibly and it was never any issue taking time out for sick dc or events in school etc. Plus neither of us had long commutes and both had generous annual leave allocations etc.

I genuinely don't understand what you mean by "parenting by text". It doesn't resonate with me at all.