AIBU to try to steer my DS into a well paid career against his dreams

[Putneydad7]

My wife and I both came from humble backgrounds but have done well in our careers and earned good money. My DS is very academic, great A levels, just started his second year at a good Uni.
We are both pushing him to apply for internships in banks/consultancies/law firms next summer so that his job opportunities will be maximised after Uni.
HOWEVER
He really loves theatre, acting and directing. He wants to spend next summer taking a production to the fringe with some friends, sofa surfing and having a laugh. He also is thinking about theatre directing as a potential career path.

I feel so evil that I am steering him away from that as I know it is a path strewn with poverty and failure, sure some succeed, a few have a great career, but most give it up after 5-10 years and I guess find an alternative career.
His asset is his brain and I'm trying to get him to maximise his income over perhaps his happiness, oh I'm so dilemma'd (I know, made up term).
What do you think, AIBU, should I back off and let him make his own way/mistakes or otherwise?

it’s so easy to get into theatre AFTER completing law/banking etc etc… honestly, I adore theatre and acting myself but people need to realise that unless you make it big,, it’s hard to make money due to so many people wanting to go into that sector.. tell ds that he can do anything he likes after he finishes wherever you want him to go. Many people I know regret not taking med school or law school rather than art or drama… your doing a good job op..

before people come for me, think about it logically,, would you rather dive head first into a career which isn’t stable or have a safe landing in case you don’t succeed??

your not evil, op. You’re doing your best and in the future he will most likely thank you for this.. but if theatre is what he wants, as soon as he gets his degree, let him do theatre. You would be evil in the case of you forcing him to continue doing a job he despises..

then again, while he’s in uni, you can still support him by allowing him to hit the hilt of everything (getting him signed up for classes, auditioning etc etc), obviously plan B, but plan A is in his heart and if he really wants it let him go for it!(with the idea that he’s still going to be in uni!))

edit: oh god I can’t make my mind up about this situation haha!!

I’m more interested that you think you have a say.

And in the fact that you don’t see your own comparative wealth from doing a job you don’t enjoy and which gave you zero work life balance, as a way of having a cushion to allow your child more freedom. Both my parents were taken out of school aged 12 and put into jobs by their parents because the families needed the money. DH and I got out of poverty via education. We will be giving DS freedom to make his own experiments in life.

OP I am currently doing the opposite. My boy's heart is in music, he loves it and has said that in an ideal world he would do music for a living. His grades are excellent, he has all the options open to him.

He's very aware that his sensible choice would be to do Maths and Physics or something, but I just want him to be the person he wants to be. He's still deciding, but both me and his Dad can see how music lights him up, and we both hope he'll take it as far as he can.

My parents were from really quite humble working class backgrounds, my dad in particular really experienced some poverty when young - single parent mother in 60s.

They were adamant that we had to study for a vocation, in fact my parents only agreed to pay my uni housing costs on the condition I studied law. Any non vocational courses I expressed an interest in (french, history etc) were shot down.

They were a bit tiger mom about it all.

They are also very financially savvy and passed that on to us. No new cars, no designer handbags, fly economy etc.

I'm almost 40 now and so grateful to them. I've lived all over the world, own four properties and have a lot in stocks, shares, ISAs, pension. I know this is a dick thing to say but I just don't think about money. We shop around annually for home / car insurance and utilities and then it's just a direct debit. I've no clue how much I spend on my gas bill. My car broke down and I wasn't sick with worry taking it to the garage - it cost what it cost.

My job is all consuming but it's so liberating outside work to do what I please.

Yes you get lifestyle creep and my job is a killer but if I choose not to do it tomorrow I could sell two properties, adjust my budget and easily take a new job that paid a third whilst still having a really great lifestyle (work life balance and financially happy).

If I had been left to my own devices my life would be very different!

Can I suggest sound engineering - Tonmeister at Surrey.

Gosh, that sounds fairly tragic to me — steered away from your actual interests by overbearing parents into a job that is a ‘killer’.

Meh, many people who do History end up doing law. It is a gateway to Law.

If people like @MotherPuppr do not take up 'killer' jobs, who will fund the taxes to provide a safety net for those in less stable 'follow your dream' roles.

It is a liberating feeling not having to count pennies. With that financial bedrock, OP's ds is in a better position to enjoy his theatre on the side or even give it up to take risks later in life.

All the jobs you’re steering him towards are far more likely to be replaced by AI and other technologies than the arts. There will be a real shift in the future to jobs that can’t be replaced by technology. Of course some arts will, but law and banking will be the first to head that way.

I wish my parents would have done this

If it doesn't work out, he will have a decent inheritance from all your hard work to fall back on.
Let him try.

OP read my thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/work/5421969-any-city-lawyers-here-do-i-need-to-quit?page=3&reply=147970881

It’s 2.30am and I’m in the back of a taxi home from the office having worked all day and not seen my kids because, having gone from a deprived single parent background to Oxbridge, I felt I needed to “cash in” my degree and earn as much as I could. It is no life.

Let you son make his own choices.

He should do the fringe production work and enjoy himself. It will be great experience for him. He can still apply for banking or whatever if he decides to after uni and have that experience to his credit on his cv.

My daughter worked for a comedy company at the fringe for three summers (4 year degree, Edinburgh). She had a great time, hob nobbed with the comedians and the company offered her full time work after uni. It wasn’t what she wanted to do so she didn’t accept but she’d had great experience and it all goes on the cv plus references if she needed and it’s nice to be offered. She’s working in IT now and loves it and is making good money. She did however turn down a job offer from Lloyds which would have paid about 20k more as she had worked for them in a placement with her IT company and had sussed she didn’t like working for them. As she pointed out - the long hours are not the lifestyle she wanted and adding up the extra hours spent working late into the evening doesn’t translate into a great hourly rate for the 20K

Encourage him to enjoy his time at uni and he will make contacts and have good experiences with transferable skills that will be just as likely to impress any bank he might apply to if he decides he wants to go down that route anyway.

What makes you think he’d be successful in getting into a highly competitive internship or grad program when it’s clear his heart isn’t in it? There will be hundreds of applicants who desperately want it who will blow your son out the water!

This thread is interesting, but has both extremes. Not everyone hates their job. The trick is to try and find something you do like that pays at least a reasonable wage.

Thanks for that and my heart goes out to you on your posting. The irony of you posting at 02:30 on the way home from work in a stressful job isn’t lost on me given what I’ve been doing with my DS.
I’m in an unusual situation in that both my wife and I were in similar jobs and were good earners, but as her earnings and career path started to outgrow mine, because she is more driven and cleverer than me, I decided to step back. Not a day goes past when I don’t regret having the city career and when she doesn’t regret seeing more of her children. But I and the kids do admire her and are grateful for what she has provided. Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a great job you love, which paid well and gave you all the time you need to see your kids? Sadly they are like unicorns.
i had nothing but camping holidays with my parents and they were fun filled and now nostalgia laden memories for me. Our kids have had much more exotic holidays, but they don’t seem to enjoy them any more than I did mine.
Not sure where I am going and am rambling but I want you to realise that what you are doing is selfless and admirable and worthy and it is just crap not seeing the kids, but you are a good person.

YABU. My best friend is like your son. Her parents did the same. If hasn’t gone well. Don’t do that to him - he’s young, he’ll be in work for 50+ years.

Thanks, hit the nail on the head. We could have funded his trip but felt he ought to get some real life experience instead and have something to put on his CV. He saved about £5k from his two summer jobs and can fund his own trip now and he knows what a 60 hr working week feels like.😁

Yeah you lost me at prioritising his income over his happiness, I’m afraid.
Its his life,let him live it.

Finance, banking, law are the 'typing pools' of this generation. AI has come for them.

Support him to do the theatre, teach him how to budget and discuss portfolio careers with him.

I would be so proud if my daughter wanted to take a play she directed to the Fringe at that age. What an achievement honestly! I would definitely let him have that life experience and then look for a job after that, in the arts or something else. There are plenty of arts careers paths that pay well too.

There is a middle way. DH and I are comfortable, mortgage free, have several investments and don't have to worry about unexpected big bills, but we didn't both have to work 70 hour weeks in jobs we hated in order to do this.

I’ve read all your posts. You sound like a great Dad. I’d have done the same thing about the summer job - I want my (frankly very privileged children) to understand about work but also thinks it’s important to give your dreams a good crack! If it doesn’t work out he’ll have had invaluable experiences including the experience of working things out for himself! Nothing more useful in life

I’m genuinely glad this approach worked for you. My friend, on the other hand, was made by his parents, to study law. He absolutely loathed it and despite being very clever ended up with a third, which meant he wasn’t eligible for any of the graduate jobs he applied for in his chosen career of advertising. It took him about a decade to catch up with his peers because of his degree class

I'd want my child to earn a reasonable living and be able to support themselves

But there's more to life than big houses, ski holidays and swimming pools. My cousin earns well, but hates her job and always has. It's no way to live

I agree. I think a good work life balance is underestimated by people who are so money focussed that they can't think of any other way to live.

DD has ME/CFS, so it has shaped her career choices. Her post grad degree will (hopefully) lead her into a solid job that will allow her to have a decent work life balance. She won't be rich, but she won't be on the breadline either.