AIBU to try to steer my DS into a well paid career against his dreams

[Putneydad7]

My wife and I both came from humble backgrounds but have done well in our careers and earned good money. My DS is very academic, great A levels, just started his second year at a good Uni.
We are both pushing him to apply for internships in banks/consultancies/law firms next summer so that his job opportunities will be maximised after Uni.
HOWEVER
He really loves theatre, acting and directing. He wants to spend next summer taking a production to the fringe with some friends, sofa surfing and having a laugh. He also is thinking about theatre directing as a potential career path.

I feel so evil that I am steering him away from that as I know it is a path strewn with poverty and failure, sure some succeed, a few have a great career, but most give it up after 5-10 years and I guess find an alternative career.
His asset is his brain and I'm trying to get him to maximise his income over perhaps his happiness, oh I'm so dilemma'd (I know, made up term).
What do you think, AIBU, should I back off and let him make his own way/mistakes or otherwise?

Surely he can apply for both? In this job market he will be lucky to get either!

I get the fear, and trying internships is a good idea, especially if you are willing to finance him to do so (paying rent so he can live near where the work is for instance). However, it’s one thing to get him to try it, another to expect anything to come of it. If it’s not something he really, really wants to do, that lack of enthusiasm is likely to come through in interviews, and he may well not get an internship anywhere.

If he does, and is good enough to then get a job offer for when he graduates, and he still doesn’t want to go into that field, then forcing him means you’re on a hiding to nothing. The kind of jobs you are talking about require total commitment, and 60+ hour weeks. If someone’s not pretty passionate about and committed that kind of role, they are going to be miserable, and burn out quickly. Is that really what you want for him? Or to give a shot at something he loves, without closing other doors?

Depends. Do you have financial resource to fund a house deposit for him?

People can and do take a show to the fringe as a hobby and not make a career out of it. The fringe is there year on year. Internship opportunities in your second or final year of uni are not. I'd encourage him to apply and turn them down if he changes his mind. All sorts could happen with the idea of taking a show to the fringe.

Exactly this.

Sounds as though he is very passionate about theatre, acting etc. I would allow him to do that for the summer.

Life is short. Let him do what he loves.

He will learn valuable transferable skills from pursuing theatre. He can always do a law conversion course or train as a chartered accountant later. However, with so many jobs being swallowed up by AI, he might find that a career in something that is AI proof has better long term prospects.

I feel like people don't realise that it's pretty easy to fail at banking/law/consultancy too! Especially if you don't have a particular aptitude for or interest in it. The BPTC costs tens of thousands of pounds, lots of people who do it don't get pupillages, and of those who do, very few will be earning megabucks.

Lots of people have perfectly solid careers in the world of theatre - if not as directors or actors, then in marketing, the technical side, and all the other finance, legal, HR, etc. jobs that any large institution needs. If your son is bright, dedicated, and has some talent - and especially some parents with money behind him - why shouldn't he be one of them?

I acquired all the cultural capital in the world and followed my passion of Literature and writing but it got me nowhere because I didn’t have the financial capital or the solid middle class background to carry me through difficulties. I didn’t have a father that encouraged me to do anything. He never achieved anything in his life except to be on benefits.
So, in my experience, it is better to be financially well off and to pursue his interests in his free time. When you are stuck in a low paying job for a whole decade, it stunts your development. It’s hard to meet your future wife and start a family. Ordinary things like that start becoming a luxury.

I had similar with my son. Very good brain could’ve done anything. Wanted to pursue the world of his hobby that he was obsessed with.. I figured if he’s happy he’ll likely achieve more than if he’s not happy no matter what he does. I wanted him waking up every morning looking forward to the day.

I understand how you feel and it’s really hard.. but they have to make their own choices and you don’t want him resenting you in the future.

I agree with @Bushmillsbabe’s comment: Its his life, and ultimately he will be the one to live the consequences of his actions, not you. He is old enough to understand his choices, please let him make them.

What you can do is share what @Overtheatlantic has said- advise him to have a backup plan in case things don’t work out. Being flat broke when you’re 20 can be fun, but it’s not so much fun at 30!

I would let him follow his dream. My dad pushed me into a science degree (it was that or being kicked out of home, as my option). I wanted to study social work. He shouted at the top of his lungs, that is silly, dumb and is a wishy washy career. He said that no good will come of it. He said I have no choice.

I really resent him for this. I ended up being mediocre at uni (no motivation and felt depressed). I changed degrees and graduated average in another field. My dad didn’t congratulate me. Where was my mum? Meekly standing to the side, didn’t want to get involved. No congratulations from her either.

Don’t put guilt and pressure on your kid to study something they are not into.

My DD is still small but she 100% will be free to choose her career path and I will be cheerleading her all the way.

He sounds like a brilliant son! Bright, ambitious with a real passion for something - you should be 100% behind him. I was a straight A student a long time ago but always had my heart set on being a fashion designer - and I pursued my dream and never regretted it - i earn 6 figures and love my job!
Encourage your son to explore his passions, get as much work experience as possible probably not just in theatre but also in finance - only way he's going to work out what he wants. I know plenty of friends who went to uni and studied medicine, dentistry, law and all hated their jobs - only worked for 2 to 3 years after graduating. One now works as an artist, other one as a textiles artist and published her own book, and the other runs her own craft business. Yes they earn less money but they are so much happier. I also went to school with a girl who was very bright and chose to be an actress then moved into script writing and has had some fantastic jobs. It sounds as though your son is very talented and driven, who's to say he can't be the person that does make it in his chosen profession.

@cupfinalchaos As long as he’s not expecting you to bankroll him indefinitely, that would be too much to ask.

That’s the last thing he wants, he’s ambitious and wants to do well in his field.. but we will be helping our kids hopefully with buying their first home as they all need help.

You’re being terribly unreasonable. My dad really wanted me to pursue maths and science but I was heavily into the arts. It was clear he would have preferred otherwise but he never ever pushed me or made me feel dumb about it. I did pursue the arts and have made a great career from it which I adore. My dad has passed now and I am thankful to him every day that he allowed me to be me.

Your son is a person. Not an extension of you.

This is what I had too and the list of subjects that were vetoed was extensive - anything ending in "ology", classical civilisation, any humanities... Basically wanted me to do PPE when I was rubbish at maths and didn't give a toss about politics at the time. I'd been through more trauma than he ever did so I possibly would have enjoyed Philosophy but I wasn't allowed to do psychology which was where my heart was. I ended up going straight in to work and not going to Uni, which was silly as that was back when it was free. I still resent him for that.

Watch dead poets society

The more you push the more he’ll push away. Let him live his life and his dreams.

Entirely agree with this. Forcing a reluctant young person to do law in the expectation that it will lead to a nice well-paid career is nuts in this day and age. The sector is at a major inflection point and the demand for junior lawyers is decreasing sharply. The ones who succeed will need to be very bright and tech-savvy but more importantly very determined and committed.

I think you should butt out. But if you want to give him some useful career advice then I would do some research on the careers that are most likely to be AI-proof (healthcare, trades etc).

So, you’d rather him be miserable then?

@LeanToWhatToDo My FIL told his children that they all had to study Engineering (he was an engineer, of course). My DH had the guts to ignore him! Not saying that it’s not a good base degree, it is, but what’s the point if you’re not interested.

We are both pushing him to apply for internships in banks/consultancies/law firms

Please don't. Not everyone is motivated by greed money. Of course everyone wants to be sufficiently remunerated for their career choices, but money alone is not enough of a motivator for many people.

IMO a career in banking/law/finance sounds excruciatingly dull.

So reading contracts all day or advising corporate clients on intellectual property rights is more tangible than theatre production. Probably better paid but definitely not more tangible. And it it does it get you into a world of high pay and high living cost and burn out.

Your son has been funnelled down the educational pipeline for at least 13 years. He has played the game.
Now it is time for him to exercise HIS choices and for you to let him be.
You may think you have his happiness at heart but maybe you do not. You want him to keep playing the game... your game, not his.
He is an intelligent adult, young but still adult, and has the brain to understand the implications of what he is doing.
The idea of funnelling this creative person into some grim banking/legal internship makes me feel quite unwell.