To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

[Teenpromdrama]

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

A lot of the time on here I think that people ought to compromise and be a bit more understanding in the interests of family amity.

However here it’s very important for the girl’s future well being that she knows that her parents 1) love her unconditionally and have her back and 2) that she is entitled to fight back when attacked. Please don’t make her apologise for retaliating when attacked by a more powerful adversary.

That’s interesting @Branleuse . My dad did that, but with me. He doesn’t get to see DS(11) now because we live 7 hours away and DH and I agreed that we’re not risking him doing the same to DS.

I agree. I'm very mild mannered and tolerant, but I'd have lost my shit at that behaviour towards my child and walked out at the first nasty comment (after giving it back with both barrels). There's not a chance I'd ever have anything to do with her ever again, let alone apologise. Life is far too short to put up with people like that.

Why would she apologise? She snapped under pressure and won’t be wanting to see mil again.

What 'does' that mean?

What everybody else said.

Tell SIL that whilst you understand why she is trying to be a peacemaker, Nana has burned her bridges and Dd and you want nothing more to do with her. Nana made her feelings about dd very clear, and there is nothing more to be said.

Your dd sounds very like mine. My own DDad has started making comments (to me) about dd ‘looking butch’ and I’ve had to be pretty sharp with him. If he dared say anything like that to her face, it would be game over and I would be making that crystal clear to him.

I hope your dd and your dniece are ok.

Bitch is more the word. Nana can go fuck her self with a cactus before I'd make my d see her again, even I would cut her dead out of my life.

Your DD is a superstar for calling her out. Both you and your DH should be unequivocally backing her against your MIL and flying monkey SIL. If your DD doesn't want to be in the same room as her grandmother ever again, so be it. Under no circumstances force her to play happy families or your DD will never forgive you.

This is a win win situation. You never have to see her again.

Tell SIL the relationship is over as far as you and dd are concerned and you don't want to hear any more about it.

That's disgusting.
Your MIL needs to apologise to your DD and your DH needs to communicate that to his mother very clearly.

Your DHs first priority is his daughter. Not his sister or mother

100% back your poor DD on this one. What a dreadful thing to happen - your MIL certainly seems like a truly evil excuse for a human being.

My DS did not want to do prom either. He had the choice, but it really isn't his thing. We gave him money instead, equivalent to what we would have spent if he had attended prom.

And well done to your wonderful DD for standing up to this evil witch.

Adult v Child here. MIL needs to show maturity and apologise. I don't see why DD should apologise when defending herself from abuse by an Adult.

for me there’s two things here

1. mil - horrible, wouldn’t want her near my dd ever again. Completely unacceptable and abusive. she’s a bully! And a nasty witch.
2. dd reaction - it wasn’t polite. Let’s just be frank. But she’s human and a teen, so I totally understand her.

I don’t think I would make dd apologise. It’s a shame she reacted with name calling a grandparent, but I really don’t blame her. What else could she have done to defend the abuse that just wasn’t stopping?!
i think your job right now is to support dd and not subject her to a relationship in which she is being bullied.

There should be no apology from DD at all, whether the MIL does or not.
She did nothing to deserve that behaviour from her gran. I would usually be one to say let things go for the sake of family but a child shouldn't be made to apologise for standing up against a bully just because they're related.

There is no way she she apologise unless MIL comes forward with a very very sincere and heartfelt apology and assurance she understands her behaviour has been appalling and it won't happen again. Then daughter could say, if she wants to, that she is sorry for the words she used but she did so because she was so hurt by this barrage of criticism.

If no apologies from her side are forthcoming then NC is fine.

My mother has been like this with my middle child who is now a young adult. I back them 100% ironically it's my husband that has a problem with it saying that there is a responsibility to see grandparents.

I've supported mine completely and will never force them into contact that does them harm.

Well done to your daughter, it sounds like it was a long time coming.

Don't make your daughter apologise or see her again.
Saying all that to her granddaughter was foul and doesn't deserve forgiveness

Not polite?! Of course it wasn’t polite. How do you ‘politely’ respond to being attacked? She’s a 15 year old, the MIL is an adult and knows better. No wonder the daughter snapped. Who cares that she name called her grandparent?! You don’t automatically respect your elders simply because they’re older.

Keep your child safe... your mum sounds horrid.

I don't even think about apology from the old cow will cut it. She's said far too much, and shown what she really thinks.

I'd do Christmas at yours, invite SIL and cousin and leave MIL to stew in her own misery.

Absolutely do not apologise or make your DD apologise. Cut her out of your lives. She is a horrible person and I can't believe that a grandmother would say such dreadful things to her own grandaughter.

Your SIL may want it all to be forgiven and forgotten, but don't go along with it. Keep sticking up for your daughter, who sounds great by the way. I'm sure she's got a bright future ahead.

What language? Seriously asking.

God all mighty, what have I read?
Your MIL has had access you your child for years to abuse her verbally and emotionally and has escalated to a horrific verbal attack of her?

And your husband feels in the middle?

Your poor daughter, utterly failed by her parents that it would ever get to this stage.

She will rightly look back on this time and judge you all very harshly.

That poor poor child.

No she should not apologise.
She should never be near that woman again.
That woman should never be allowed visit or see any of your children again.
Your husband is a disgrace that he feels any conflict.
You need to give your head a wobble and tell your husband to tell his mother to never come near any of you again.

Your SIL is no better.
What a shower.
Such appalling low class behaviour in front of children.

What a cow! I’m with your DD.
My DD sounds scarily similar to yours and if ever anyone was to criticise her the way your MIL criticised your Dad there would be hell to pay.
Your SIL was there so saw and heard everything her Mother said and still wants to clear the air? It beggars belief, it really does.

#teamDD