To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

[Teenpromdrama]

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

If anyone needs to apologise its your MIL. Vile wretch

Hi Op, did you speak with your DH about this?
I hope you get a good resolution to this ( where your MIL apologises to your DD and your SIL starts standing up for your DD).

@Teenpromdrama im interested to see how your DH has handled this.

Yep, back your daughter. If anyone should apologise its MiL. She is your husband's responsibility, if he wants to maintain a relationship he can (I'd be very cool/cold if someone spoke to my daughter like that even if they were my mum). Your daughter is nearly an adult, she can decide what/if she has a relationship with this woman and how that works. It sounds like you and dh love her for herself no matter what she wants to wear/do which is lovely, those who don't feel like that can jog on

Am absolutely on the side of your daughter, who sounds like an intelligent individual very solid in what she wants, with a lovely mum who backs her up and supports her choices. She absolutely should not have to apologise to this unpleasant woman. Hopefully fate will drop a house on this evil witch of an MiL or have her attacked by her own flying monkeys. If your foolish SiL needs to pander to her behaviour then that is her choice - frankly when her own daughter has been caught in the crossfire she should be wading in on her behalf, if not on your daughter's.

This. With bells on!!

This. SiL needs to establish her boundaries. If she doesn’t want to, that’s up to her, same for dh, but you and dd can, and absolutely should stick by your guns!

just to add..

You don’t need to necessarily distance from Sil, as long as she respects you having your boundary.

And your DH needs to get his head out of the sand, accept his mum is a potentially a narc, and at least abusive! He needs to protect his family from her toxic influence!

Too many thoroughly unpleasant MILs too, judging by remarks on some threads.

I’m with your daughter. Wouldn’t want myself or my children being around someone who thought that of my kids anyway!

Once I finally got the chance to speak to dh, it was actually no issue at all. He had been blindsided by mil phoning him to rant about dd before we had even got home, so had no idea what was going on, and admitted he was wrong to immediately think the worst of dd. Then sil messaging him about apologising and moving on. He didn’t know the whole story then. When you’ve got multiple kids and activities and work to deal with it’s no wonder he was happy to push it all aside for a few days to make sense of it all.

We ended up writing a message together (dh sent it) based on many of the great comments here. Firstly to sil, stating that dd would not be apologising, as she was verbally attacked by an adult who should care for her, and that actually she was quite restrained. That we would not be seeing mil until dd received an apology, and if that meant mil missed out then so be it. That we appreciated sil trying to protect dd at the time and that her and her girls are very special to us, but that we could not have mil anywhere near our kids, and actually concerned about her impact on the nieces too. Sil replied ‘I know, they’ve already said they don’t want Xmas there’. So that is going to be a work in progress, I will happily host them for Xmas if they want, or go to sil.

Mil got a message that was much shorter, saying she attacked dd, that was absolutely not acceptable, and as a result we no longer wished to see her or have any contact with her. Short and to the point. Dh then muted her messages and put the phone number straight to voicemail. I was intending to block completely but he wanted her to still be able to make contact, just in case an apology is forthcoming. I’m not holding my breath but I can see his point. So far he’s received nothing back.

What happens next is up to her now. I don’t honestly care. Even if she apologised I don’t think dd would accept it, and actually the weight I have felt for years around seeing her has also lifted. She has never been an easy person to be around. Nothing I would say or do was ever right. It was always a dig here, a sneer there. So why bother? It was always us visiting her, she’s never been to our house having moved here 7 years ago, she isn’t an active part of any of my kids lives. Dh always kept her at arms length. It was always sil who wanted to arrange things and put in the effort.

In answer to a few questions, yes dh and sil are full siblings, sil is 2 years older. Fil died about 12 years ago. No other family in the area. Mil lives about 90 minutes drive from us, sil is closer but not in the same town. Dh and I have dd, then ds12 and ds10, all full siblings. Mil has never been at all interested in the boys. Sil is married and has the two girls. I believe mil has been more involved with them but not to the extent of childcare or regular visits.

I don’t doubt that for a minute, @strawgoh. That doesn’t excuse ageism, ever.

Sounds like the perfect response from you and DH. Your DD will know you both have her back. Aside from mil you all sound lovely. You're better off without her.

Brilliant update, I expect radio silence

@Teenpromdrama excellent response. Doubt she'll be in touch. She isn't in the wrong in her eyes.

Completely agree with both those messages. But from the sounds of it, she is the type that would send the flying monkeys in.

Great response to both SIL and MIL.

Well done @Teenpromdrama You've done the right thing. My life got so much better after we went NC with my MIL. This was the straw that broke the camel's back moment for you & your DD. I wouldn't blame DD if she didn't accept MIL's apology - but I doubt she'll ever even give one.

Well done, both of you. I'm glad that you thanked SIL and expressed concern for her daughters. I think you'll need to continue to work on keeping your relationships with her as positive and warm as you can. She's probably going to be the one who has to deal with MIL's wrath now, and it's going to be painful. She needs to know that she has your support.

Having been the daughter who was scared to ever cross her mum (I was in my 60s before I finally lost it with her, and even then, if she hadn't been physically disabled at that point, I probably still wouldn't have dared) I can totally see why SIL is not as confident about stepping back from her mum, and she's going to find this really hard.

I’m so glad DH has backed you both. Honestly the relief one feels when finally calling out a narcissist (which mil sounds like) is amazing.

Thanks for the update @Teenpromdrama

They sound like excellent messages.
So glad your dh has been able to break out of his dm's control and stand by his dd.
What a lovely message to his sister too. I hope you (as a family) can continue to have a warm relationship with her and her family too.

As 'isms' go, there's worse. And I say that as someone of - erm - mature years.

About to say the same re flying monkeys.

So glad DH, having been told the full story, has supported DD, and you.

Enjoy the peace and quiet OP!

That old witch would never be around my child again. This isn’t an “argument”, or a “falling out”, it’s an adult BULLYING a child. Protect your daughter.

Did someone copy my post in error earlier up the thread? I posted a similar albeit milder anecdote and someone reposted going on about woke harridans or something ?! I didn’t say anything about witches / woke or politics just an example of my mil putting her foot in it!