To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

[Teenpromdrama]

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

I'd be fully behind your dd decision hope she can ignore it. Females are much more ygsn long hair skirts and make up.

I was 12 when my grandma really started on me and I snapped at 18 when she sent my mum a poison pen letter full of lies. I never spoke to her directly again I was 46 when she died. I decided to do my family tree, she had secrets that were uncovered she kept deliberately sending wrong info via my aunt hoping they wouldn't be uncovered.

A long one off a short pier.

I’m sorry you ended up with a horror of a MIL. She’s 100% wrong and does not deserve an apology. Here’s a trick I learned a long time ago - tell her to fuck off and to stay fucked off. Forever. This can be an opportunity for your daughter to learn that she never has to accept poor treatment from anyone. Even a blood relative. You’re doing the right thing sticking up for your daughter.

Your MIL needs to recognise the part she played in this and how horrible her criticism was. MIL started it so she needs to apologise before your dd does.

I'm with you and your DD on this. MIL verbally attacked your daughter and said unforgiveable things. There's no going back.

Absolutely agree

100% with your DD on that.

Give it some time. Keep language neutral, be polite, but don’t apologise. MIL needs to understand that people are different from each other, but all deserve respect. Clearly that hasn’t dawned on her yet.

I would support your DD. If she chooses to apologise at a later date (and I don’t think she should) that’s her decision, SIL should understand that any apology from DD should be only offered AFTER a thorough apology from MIL for the abhorrent character assassination she gave your daughter/

OP don’t make your DD apologise and I would respectfully ask your DH that if he wishes to see his mum that he a) does so without you, b) only does so in her home ie she is no longer welcome at your house and c) absolutely calls out his mum for what she said to your DD.

Not sure why this is even a question. She's a fucking bitch. However YABVU because you should have told her to fuck off as soon as she started and walked your daughter out of there chin held high. If you meet with her again you are condoning her behaviour and letting your daughter down.

It's all been said already OP but I'm team DD too. She sounds like a fab young woman as do your Dnieces.

Just to say, your DD sounds very much like my (much older,) DD. She's always had her own alternative style, took her a while to find her tribe while in school but she now has a huge group of very diverse friends, and a job that is perfect for her, and a great social life. She's fine, and your daughter will be too.

As for your MIL - she's just a very nasty person, stay well away from her. If SIL feels under pressure then it's up to her and your DH to sort something out between them. 💐

No, you're right. MIL should apologise (though obviously she won't). Give your DD lots of support in this.

No, you absolutely are not being unreasonable. If your daughter apologised then she would be accepting responsibility for being bullied, and if anyone apologised on her behalf they would be saying it was her fault she was verbally attacked. Your husband needs to be completely on his daughter's side and should have confronted his mother about the abuse she inflicted on her own grandchild. Do not see that woman again, either you or your daughter, unless SHE apologises and changes her behaviour.

On the date of the prom, plan a special day for your daughter and spoil her. Take her somewhere she really wants to go and let her do something she really wants to do. She deserves it. She shouldn't miss out on the chance of a memorable occasion just because her tastes are different. It should be an extra special treat to also try to console her over what she was put through. Invite her cousin too, and let them have a lovely time together.

I want to add that she sounds like exactly the sort of person I would have wanted to be friends with when I was her age. I admire her. To have the integrity to be true to herself instead of unwillingly being swept along by the crowd shows a rare strength of character. I hope you're proud of her for it, and for defending herself. I hope my son grows up to be like that.

Interested ito know where your DH stands on this.

@Teenpromdrama

I'm 100% with you & your poor daughter - MIL IS a nasty old witch!!

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing by backing your daughter up & letting her make this decision - you're teaching her to stand up for herself & be proud of who she is & that she's an individual who doesn't need to conform to somebody else's idea of 'acceptable' to be 'enough'.

Fuck MIL!

I guess your DH can do what he wants (although I'd expect him to equally support his child!) but I'd sure as shit never make my daughter ever have to see MIL again if she doesn't want to. If your DH wants to see his mum then he goes by himself. His choice. I'd make sure that you tell him he should absolutely NOT apologise to her on your daughter's behalf, too - in fact, at the very least, he should be demanding the opposite!!

Team daughter here ✊

There is not a chance that this old witch would be allowed anywhere near my daughter again. Well done to your DD for standing up for herself.

I would completely cut this disgusting person out of DD’s and your lives and never see or speak to her again. Well done your brilliant DD.

Oh god your DD sounds like me growing up, and her grandma sounds like mine. Your daughter has nothing to apologise for. Absolutely nothing. If she'd called her grandma a nasty witch completely out of the blue, then yes. But it's completely fair for a young teen to react emotionally to an adult's relentless and rude criticism. The grandma will predictably play martyr and play the respect etc card, fuck that.

I grew up an obsessive people pleaser, apologising to everyone basically fot hurting me, hoping that my politeness and maturity will improve relationships around me. All it did was make me anxious and depressed, and it made my relatives more entitled as they never experienced any resistance from me growing up. My surviving relatives today continuously pretend to be heartbroken because of me, because they were always used to me placating them.

Whoa I was really triggered there! 🤣🤣

Tl;dr grandma needs to apologise.

Oh god OP your MIL sounds awful and incredibly immature! Your DD should have snapped at her ages ago!

I was the same, academic, preferred trousers, not a fan of accessories etc, my grandparents used to call me "the trouser-wearer" instead of my actual name.

God some people are wankers 🤣

DD is right though handled things wrongly.

This wouldn't make it into the top 300 heated exchanges in my family as a kid, so naturally doesn't seem enough to burn bridges over.

Your daughter is absolutely right. What a cow your MIL is. Your daughter knows her own mind and if this crone doesn't like it, well tough. She's 15 and you can't make her see her gran. You've raised an independent young lady, don't make her back down and apologise.

Ffs people. “Old”, “crone”. Listen to yourselves. The mother in law is a nasty person. Her age is irrelevant.

Too many people on Mumsnet who are racist, or ageist , or prejudiced in another way!

Your daughter sounds amazing. I'm glad you have her back.