To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

[Teenpromdrama]

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

The only one that let dd down was MIL.

Sil is lovely and I think both she and dh have put up with a lot. Fil died some years back now. I suspect sil can see that if we cut ties, she will be stuck with the baggage now. Dh is stuck wanting to protect everyone.

You and dd shouldn't be stuck with any of the baggage. Let SIL and DH deal with MIL, you and dd owe MIL nothing.

Who is making you feel that you should be sharing this burden?

I don’t agree. Of course the grandma let her down massively and was bang out of order but the two other adults there, especially her own mother, should have had her back before it got to her screaming.

DD has nothing to apologise for. Good on her for sticking up for herself

Team DD!! What that woman said to her was despicable. Reprehensible that an older woman would behave that way with a young woman. Absolutely disgusting.

i Wish you’d show her these posts so that she could see what we all think of her.

Please will you read my comment at 8.09am this morning before adopting the word witch as an insult?

100% back your daughter - I wouldn’t be making her apologise or spend any more time with that woman after such abuse. She needs to feel that you have her back in this.
I understand you hubby will feel conflicted, it’s his mum. If he still feels the need to see her after the appalling way she treated his daughter, he can can do it on his own.

The really insulting behaviour to the DD took place while the OP was not in the room, and was called out by SiL. The escalation from the MiL had happened by the time OP came back into the room and immediately removed her DD. The MiL followed them into the hall and continued the insults, and it was then that the DD snapped and shouted back at her.

This was stated by OP in her post on 20th October at 16:06:

"The character attack came when I was out of the room, I came back from the bathroom and sil was telling mil to stop, I don’t know exactly what had been said before but mil carried on with comments that dd should be more like her cousin, that she would just sit and look miserable like she always does, that she was boring and always wearing black. I will admit I froze, sil was shouting that was enough, I then said to dd ‘we’re going’ and went to the hall where the shoes were.
Dd was putting her boots on, lots of laces so it wasn’t quick. Mil came after us and was ranting the woke stuff. I was shaking with anger but didn’t want to lose it, I’ve spent 20 plus years treading on eggshells around this woman. I am ashamed that it wasn’t me that spoke up. I am so proud of my dd that she did."

We're always told it's younger women who over prioritise looks/material things/one fairytale day etc, and that a generation ago, women were fighting their way into the workplace and insisting on being valued for their brains.

Not necessarily true. Women aren't always nice to other women/girls, regardless of age.

How awful, poor girl. No one should have to listen to that, especially from a family member. Of course she hit back, sounds like she took a lot more than she gave out. I wouldn't take her anywhere near the grandma again. Grandma should definitely be told she was way out of line.

I would stick by my child’s decision with anyone adult/child who criticised her like this. I have a critical parent who still behaves this way but seems oblivious to it. I’m sure sil has been on the receiving end but has always forgiven. Dd doesn’t have to.

What a horrible opiniated woman!!!

Keep your DD at all cost away from that horrible woman!

Wow that is really really vile. No your dd was so right she is a witch. I would never see her again. I would be having a word with sil too if she thinks it's OK for her mum to speak to her niece like that and think it will be brushed under the carpet I wouldn't be impressed with her either. Your niece sounds the most sensible as she was upset aswell on behalf of your child. I think my partner would disown his mum if she spoke to our child like that. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Both girls sound very sensible and grown-up! As well as being nasty and damaging to your DD, the horrible women spoiled your DNiece’s special day choosing her dress with her mum, cousin and family. How horrible all round your MIL is — she’s behaved horrendously to both girls.

where is the aibu vote? I am team daughter , mil is evil and spiteful :( x

Nasty bitch I'm with DD

Are you ok?

Wow, what a nasty piece of work. I hope your daughter stands by her promise to never see that woman again. In no way shape or form should your daughter apologise.

Omg, just read the OP and I’m in full Mumma Bear mode! @Teenpromdrama im definitely team DD (and you!)

Off to read rest of the thread now 🤣

MIL sounds like a nasty old cow! Good for DD for sticking up for herself.

I had a similar situation with my DD DF Stepmum, I wasn't there as I don't get on with his/my ex side of the family but from what DD told me she was being very personal about her weight(DD is a normal healthy size)and was comparing her to a female cousin, then she pinched DD tummy and said she needs to exercise. DD was upset but as she doesn't like to cause problems with DF side of the family said nothing. When she got home she told me what had happened and that her DF hasn't addressed it, so I lost my temper and called him, gave him a bollocking for not standing up for our DD and told him to tell his SMUM to ring and apologise to DD. When she rang I asked for the phone and gave the STEPMUM a huge piece of my mind.

I was furious so I completely understand.

Another team DD here. It's nice that her cousin supports her. Also DH and SIL need to have a word with MIL and lay down the law, she sounds thoroughly toxic.

The idea of Proms seems to be transported from the USA a number of years ago. Along with Baby Showers and Dress down Friday. To part of the crowd.

People, unfortunately can't seem to think for themselves and just jump of the latest trend bandwagon.

Just another racket for a few people to make good money. Also parents on.less modest incomes have problems forking out for dressy up clothes.

I also think you should have a choice on if you actually want to attend and wear want you want.

I think your DD should take the moral high ground by apologising for the misogynistic, ageist name-calling (“nasty old witch”) and any aggressive behaviour, e.g. shouting, in her grandmother’s home. As she rightly says, at 15 you can’t ‘make’ her do anything. But that’s what I’d advise her to do.

I’d also encourage her to not be bothered by other people’s opinions, especially about how girls and women should dress and behave. And to understand the context of how some women are stuck in what they perceive as societal expectations, which is a shame. And (if she wants to) she should make a reasoned argument in response about why she disagrees with those opinions and passing judgement on others. But without resorting to losing her temper, name-calling etc. My DC often disagree with their GPs, as do I, but not via heated arguments. If it starts to get heated, we agree to park it.

However, how you and DH interact with MIL going forward is entirely up to DH. I’d advise you all consider seeing her sparingly (as you do anyway) but on the basis she keeps her judgement of others to herself, as you keep your opinions of her to yourselves.

Family rifts can sour relations in the wider family. Focus on not letting MIL undermine your good relationship with SIL and the nieces.

100% with daughter on this one
MiL is a poisonous witch and I would go no contact over this if it was my child.
If anyone needs to apologise it is your MIL

Your DH is a spineless coward. In a million years I can’t imagine my DH subjecting our DD to that kind of behaviour from his mother. He should be ashamed of himself.