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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

557 replies

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

OP posts:
WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 21/10/2025 08:09

I'm somebody who considers herself to be a Witch. I'm Pagan. We do such dangerous things as celebrating turning points in the year that you might know as Christmas and Easter, amongst others. They were Pagan festivals long before Christianity existed, and when the Christian church was formed they found people were so unwilling to stop marking those festivals they had to lay theirs over the top of the existing ones to get people to comply with theirs. Other such dangerous activities that we do include meditating and making healing balms out of herbs. Witchcraft is duller than you think, and not evil. Again, it was in the interests of the founders of Christianity to label our religious practices as evil, because they were having a hard time getting people to convert.

I don't take issue with the OP's daughter, but just because it's being discussed here on this thread, I do cringe when I hear the word being used as an insult, and I wish that people would stop using it as such. The word has an incredibly loaded and troublesome past, having been used as an accusation that a person - usually a woman, who behaved in any way that men decided wasn't what they thought women should be doing, was inherently evil and used to excuse the torture and femicide of many women.

It's not pleasant to see the term thrown around as a casual insult, from the point of view of my identity and religion, and from a feminist perspective. I wish people would be more mindful of the loaded connotations of the word and stop using it as an insult.

I don't blame OP's daughter for not knowing this, and given the context I REALLY would NOT like her to feel the need to apologise, but it would be nice if a few mumsnetters reading this thread were a bit more mindful about appropriate use of the term in the future.

Autumn38 · 21/10/2025 08:24

TheNightingalesStarling · 20/10/2025 14:37

I'd be congratulating your DD for standing up for herself.

I take it SIL is her daughter... shes going to be a lot more conflicted.

Yeah I thought this. I am totally with you on this but I think I’d also reach out to SIL and be supportive to her.

she must be totally gutted her own DD’s special day out was also ruined

Ratafia · 21/10/2025 08:48

I don't really understand why SIL is so anxious for it all to blow over, given that she seems to have been as appalled by her mother's behaviour as you were. I think she and your husband need to present a united front, i.e. tell your mother that the only person who needs to apologise is her and that they are both team DD. If she won't accept that, she will have to accept the consequences.

Timeforabitofpeace · 21/10/2025 09:18

TheaBrandt1 · 20/10/2025 15:11

Back your Dd. How rude and cruel the older woman is. Dreadful.

We had a minor version MiL twittering on about how much then 14 year old dd ate at Christmas dinner. Eventually Dd asked “are you trying to fat shame me granny?”. Totally shut her down.

That isn’t true. We aren’t all right wing “anti woke”, anti feminist harridans, and some of us are even bright enough to recognise an insult and when what overstepping looks like!

sugarapplelane · 21/10/2025 09:49

Timeforabitofpeace · 21/10/2025 09:18

That isn’t true. We aren’t all right wing “anti woke”, anti feminist harridans, and some of us are even bright enough to recognise an insult and when what overstepping looks like!

Show quote history

What isn’t true?

I don’t think the poster you were replying to was directing her comment at all older women. She said “ the older woman” meaning the MIL

CarpetKnees · 21/10/2025 11:54

Ratafia · 21/10/2025 08:48

I don't really understand why SIL is so anxious for it all to blow over, given that she seems to have been as appalled by her mother's behaviour as you were. I think she and your husband need to present a united front, i.e. tell your mother that the only person who needs to apologise is her and that they are both team DD. If she won't accept that, she will have to accept the consequences.

Agree.

Isobel201 · 21/10/2025 12:16

I never did the prom, or end of year school disco whatever it was called when I was 16. I was just glad to get out of the school, and both grandmas never commented on it.
MIL was way out of order, and your daughter has no reason to apologise. It should be the other way around.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 21/10/2025 13:32

Agh how horrible. I’d defo be asking if MIL will be apologising!

Plinkyplankplonk · 21/10/2025 15:48

I was this daughter, liked what were termed boyish clothes by other family members, liked punky hair and things like that, hated makeup, total contrast to my very girlie girl cousins. My mam heard about it all the time and those family members then got a stern F you. Side with your daughter, she will remember forever that you backed her corner.

Holidaypumpkin · 21/10/2025 15:57

As a grandchild that went NC with my grandparents…
your daughter did the right thing. You don’t have to do anything other than decide if you also want to go NC which I’m guessing your daughter doesn’t expect you to.

my parent continued to see their parents until a few years after when they realised quite how awful they were.

20yrs on… none of us speak to them. Grandparent (GF) tried to be quite forceful with a “right let’s get this sorted” to my parents (at a funeral) but they just said absolutely not and left.
there will be no reconciliation on my part and likely not on my parents part either.

I’m all for a peaceful life!

Ps. Also experienced the favouritism with grandchildren… 4 of which are thieves/drug users/been in prison etc - still not worked out why they’re better than me 😉

hypnovic · 21/10/2025 15:58

you respect your daughters wishes 100% this is foul behaviour she is a nasty witch

ARichtGoodDram · 21/10/2025 16:05

Ratafia · 21/10/2025 08:48

I don't really understand why SIL is so anxious for it all to blow over, given that she seems to have been as appalled by her mother's behaviour as you were. I think she and your husband need to present a united front, i.e. tell your mother that the only person who needs to apologise is her and that they are both team DD. If she won't accept that, she will have to accept the consequences.

She'll want to (possibly without realising) want it to blow over so her mother isn't getting wound up and angry with the risk of that being aimed at her or her child.

nicepotoftea · 21/10/2025 16:08

Your daughter and her cousins are now old enough to decide themselves which family members they want to see, so your MIL will just have to live with the consequences of her rude behaviour.

Boymummy2015 · 21/10/2025 16:09

YANBU & neither is your DD.

I do hope your dd is ok, the mil sounds like a horrible nasty piece of work and someone you and your DD are better off well away from.

Citrusbergamia · 21/10/2025 16:11

When you speak to your DH...if he utters words like 'it'll blow over' / 'it's not that bad' / 'don't make a big deal out of it' (I.e. minimising), show him this thread to educate him on how your DD feels and how he needs to back her to the hilt.

MIL is nothing but a toxic bully and needs to be taught a lesson. What awful behaviour!

Christ, if my MIL had spoken about our DD like that, he'd have gone berserk at her. your DD needs to know she has his support as well as yours.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2025 16:14

She was horrible and I don't blame your DD for not wanting to see her again. She shouldn't be forced to.

Don17 · 21/10/2025 16:15

I don’t know why we don’t normalise cutting off toxic family members. I’m with you and your daughter. Your DH needs to be on your side too

Kd96 · 21/10/2025 16:15

Speaking as a granddaughter who has relentlessly endured this behaviour her entire life and had a mother who also agreed with everything my grandmother said and thought. Stand by your child and protect her at all costs!

DangerousAlchemy · 21/10/2025 16:15

Moveoverdarlin · 20/10/2025 20:50

I wish she called her a bitch instead of witch.

She sounds vile. Support your DD.

True but I was just thinking we don't hear the word 'witch' much these days. I like it. I may start using it. I'm team DD all the way. What an awful cow the MIL sounds!

Boymummy2015 · 21/10/2025 16:16

My DH cut off from his Nana when he was around 16 due to similar circumstances, it did make things difficult for his mum but she managed to navigate around it and had a relationship with both my DH and her mum. my FIL backed DH to the hilt and also never spoke to the Nana again.

She passed away 6 years ago now and my DH didn't even go to her funeral.

CelestialCandyfloss · 21/10/2025 16:18

Glad you are backing your daughter. If this was me I'd never have anything to do with this spiteful woman again.

Octoberfest · 21/10/2025 16:20

I'm 100% behind your daughter. It would be utterly hypocritical for her to apologise when she has been cruelly attacked and denigrated.

FWIW my daugther had no interest in going to her prom, and has absolulety no interest in fashion or make up. My neice, on the other hand, is totally into those things and went OTT for her prom. My (wonderful) MIL loves and appreciates them both for the individuals that they are.

Poppyfun1 · 21/10/2025 16:24

Back your daughter. She sounds like a lovely mature and well mannered girl. Your mil sounds vile

elliegirl · 21/10/2025 16:25

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

No judgment of you in any way, but how did you react when your mil was ripping into your dd? Under no circumstances should your dd apologise and I would be praising her for standing up for herself. Your dh should tell his mum that her behaviour is unacceptable and that no apology from dd will be forthcoming. Your sil can suck it up, frankly.

Figgly · 21/10/2025 16:34

I haven’t read all 17 pages but I agree with the majority here. It doesn’t even matter what this was about. MIL had launched a prolonged and highly personal attack on your child’s character and appearance, in front of family. It’s vindictive and utterly unacceptable behaviour from anyone, never mind a grandparent. Your DD has nothing to apologise for and if your husband and SIL expect this to blow over then they are part of the problem. Imagine the longer term impact this could have on your DD. Poor girl. I’d be absolutely livid and MIL wouldn’t set foot near me or my kids again unless a full apology was given. I’m not even sure an apology would even work. You have seen what she really thinks of your DD now. Awful.