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Original poster

To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

557 replies

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 20/10/2025 19:39

@Teenpromdrama your daughter sounds great, she knows her own mind and that is a huge thing in your teenage years. I'd cut the MIL off completely. As you said your husband can do what he likes. Don't waste a moment's sleep over it. You are openly communicating with SIL and niece and that is the important part of the family. Your daughter does not need to see that toxic woman any more.

Tdcp · 20/10/2025 19:39

Your husband can see his mother if he wants to, you do not have to and I would be making a point of never talking to her again if it was me. Your dd is 15, old enough to know her own mind and old enough to never have a relationship with that vile idiot ever again. To berate someone so much that her cousin started crying is mental. Your poor dd.

CatchTheWind1920 · 20/10/2025 19:41

Your DH should be putting his daughter before his sister

Mogwais · 20/10/2025 19:42

Stick with what your dd wants, & fully support her decision vocally, I'm speaking from experience because my dd is similar she is an introvert, academic and not one to be interested in fitting in with what other deem she should be like, she has had to put up with comments about the way she is, but like your dd she's happy with who she is and she's growing up to be an amazing young adult who just chooses her own way to be happy. I am quiet the introvert too and have always tried to keep everyone happy, but when it comes to my dc I will fight their corner no matter who I upset. Her gm treated your dd in a disgusting way, in my view an unforgivable way & if I was you I would be demanding an apology from the mil and even if she apologised I would support my dds decision to never speak to her again.

LittleMyLabyrinth · 20/10/2025 19:42

Team DD. We shouldn't be teaching our daughters that they have to apologise to bullies and misogynists.

Howwilliknow122 · 20/10/2025 19:48

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

Hes not stuck. Hes a weak father if he can't even support his own child against bullying. His daughter comes first not his sister or his mum!

WhereAreWeNow · 20/10/2025 19:49

100% right to stand with your DD on this one. My DD is similar and didn't want to do prom. I would have been furious if anyone had said the things your MIL said to her.

Starlight7080 · 20/10/2025 19:52

I personally would not have anything to do with her again. You have to put the mental health and wellbeing of your dd above anyone else.
Im shocked your DH didnt say something to his mother in support of his dd.
Is he worried about inheritance?

JustSawJohnny · 20/10/2025 19:52

Suddenly he’s getting messages and calls where he would rather not be dragged into it.

He won't want to hear it but honestly, that's his tough shit to bare!

If he can't stand up when someone has been so horrifically unkind to his child then he never will.

Time to parent.

Chicaontour · 20/10/2025 19:58

Stand up for your daughter! Under no circumstance allow her to be bullied by this nasty woman. I understand that you froze however don't let there be a next time. Ps ask your husband which he is more comfortable with, having a quiet life and allowing your daughter to be bullied or actively standing up for her. Granny needs to be told not to contact the family without an apology. Please tell your daughter how proud you are of her. She is perfect exactly as she is.

OceanSounds123 · 20/10/2025 19:59

It should be their choice if they want to go the prom or not.
My son didn’t go to the main prom but went to the after party in the evening instead.

Gagaandgag · 20/10/2025 19:59

100% with you and your daughter! Step away

WilfredsPies · 20/10/2025 20:03

I think your DD sounds fantastic, as does her cousin. I’m glad they have a close relationship and are supporting each other.

I think I would tell your DD that I was very proud of her and that she never has to spend time with MiL ever again. I’d contact SiL and, in front of your DH, tell her that you appreciate the situation she and your DH find themselves and that you won’t expect DH to go nc with MiL, but MiL is no longer welcome in your home and that you have forbidden DD from even thinking about apologising to her. Tell her that you understand why she wants to smooth things over and you don’t want to fall out with her, but you will not let MiL anywhere near your DD. Tell DH that if he doesn’t respect this, or tries to involve his mum in any aspect of your family life, then you will put your DD first and you will leave him. He can go and live with her and let him see what side his bread is buttered then.

I’d also be inclined to text MiL telling her that you will not allow DD to apologise to her, even if she wanted to, and that DH and SiL might feel obligated to continue to have contact with her, but you do not. Then block her.

Also, if DH is putting his mum before his DD and his wife, then he either has serious issues and needs counselling or he is a pathetic excuse for a man.

DreamTheMoors · 20/10/2025 20:06

My father’s mother started on me early - I can remember back as far as age 2&1/2, 3, when she started being overly critical.
What granny is critical of a baby that age? Mine.
By age 8, I had learned to keep away from her.

And when she died, not a single, solitary one of her 12 grandchildren attended her funeral.

You reap what you sow, @Teenpromdrama and I’d advise keeping your girl far away from this toxic woman.

She won’t miss a thing growing up with one less granny.
Nope.

MyDeftDuck · 20/10/2025 20:06

What a strong and assertive young lady you have in your DD and well done to her for speaking up for herself. She knows her own mind and her GM does sound like a self opinionated evil old bag!

phoenixrosehere · 20/10/2025 20:06

She likes weird Japanese music and maths, reading and gaming. She has a few close friends, male and female, who I guess would also be considered eccentric in their style, but they are all brilliant kids.

Your DD sounds like my friends in secondary.
We were into such things, definitely gaming and Japanese anime. They were some of the best part of my teen years and made them bearable.

I didn’t want to go to prom either and my mother (who sounds similar to your MIL) wouldn’t shut up about it so I was made to go. My mother was one of those popular girls in school and I didn’t give a f-k, had good grades and couldn’t wait to graduate and head off to uni.

Your daughter is better off having MIL gone from her life. No one should have to put up with someone like that in their lives.

If your DH doesn’t stand by his daughter, she will not forget this.

Branleuse · 20/10/2025 20:08

MinnieMountain · 20/10/2025 15:34

That’s interesting @Branleuse . My dad did that, but with me. He doesn’t get to see DS(11) now because we live 7 hours away and DH and I agreed that we’re not risking him doing the same to DS.

He did the same to me plenty. We also live a fair distance away. I thought he was nicer as he got older, but seems not. Its bad enough doing it to me, but my children, i just wont have it.

Ellie56 · 20/10/2025 20:09

Good on your daughter for standing up to the horrible old witch. Why should she apologise for speaking the truth?

I wouldn't be seeing her again either. And your DH needs to stop wimping out and back his daughter.

Emptyandsad · 20/10/2025 20:09

Your dd sounds lovely: interesting and creative and with a real strength of character. You must be so proud of her. And your backing her unambiguously over this will show her that she can rely on you to have her back

strawgoh · 20/10/2025 20:14

WilfredsPies · 20/10/2025 20:03

I think your DD sounds fantastic, as does her cousin. I’m glad they have a close relationship and are supporting each other.

I think I would tell your DD that I was very proud of her and that she never has to spend time with MiL ever again. I’d contact SiL and, in front of your DH, tell her that you appreciate the situation she and your DH find themselves and that you won’t expect DH to go nc with MiL, but MiL is no longer welcome in your home and that you have forbidden DD from even thinking about apologising to her. Tell her that you understand why she wants to smooth things over and you don’t want to fall out with her, but you will not let MiL anywhere near your DD. Tell DH that if he doesn’t respect this, or tries to involve his mum in any aspect of your family life, then you will put your DD first and you will leave him. He can go and live with her and let him see what side his bread is buttered then.

I’d also be inclined to text MiL telling her that you will not allow DD to apologise to her, even if she wanted to, and that DH and SiL might feel obligated to continue to have contact with her, but you do not. Then block her.

Also, if DH is putting his mum before his DD and his wife, then he either has serious issues and needs counselling or he is a pathetic excuse for a man.

Edited

Brilliant post.

Original poster
Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 20:17

I’ve had a chat with dd this evening while dh was out with the younger ds’s. I apologised that I froze and didn’t tell mil how out of line she was, and that dd absolutely is right to feel the way she does about it all. She doesn’t have to apologise or see her again and that I’m more than happy to keep her away from mil. Dd, ever the cool customer, said it was ok, she was glad to have the chance to speak up, and did I really think I could ever make her do anything she didn’t want to anyway!

I asked if she had spoken to Dniece and she started laughing, apparently older niece has got her nose pierced and dyed the front of her hair blue, they are all of the opinion nana will blow a fuse over her spoiling her beautiful face and blonde hair. So I’m confident the girls will all be fine.

I will speak to dh properly once the dc are all in bed, I have no idea what may have been said today (probably nothing) but at least I can say where I stand on it all, and that dd will not be in contact with mil. They aren’t a family who message each other or see each other a lot, don’t live nearby, day to day it really doesn’t change anything so that’s what I meant by burying his head in the sand. If he ignores it all, it might go away. He wasn’t there at the weekend and I’m not sure if he’s even aware of all the digs and comments over the last few years either. I had no idea it would blow up like this.

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 20/10/2025 20:18

Iloveacurry · 20/10/2025 18:22

I think your MIL has probably ruined her relationships with all her granddaughters. I would assume your niece will tell her older sister what has happened and what your MIL said. There’s no coming back from what she said to your DD. She really showed her true colours.

Sadly I doubt it. You will be surprised what people let go just to keep the peace. My mother is a nasty narcissist, what this mil has said to her granddaughter is nothing compared to the things that have come out of my mothers mouth, but everyone lets it go to keep the peace or just because “it’s the way she is”. Golden children and grandchildren especially will let things slide because they are not the targets and they are quick to forget especially if it keeps them in the golden spot.

shuggles · 20/10/2025 20:20

@Teenpromdrama saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did.

Judging from what I've seen and heard, women aren't really too bothered about men, so I'm not sure why this is an issue.

Sharptonguedwoman · 20/10/2025 20:21

TheNightingalesStarling · 20/10/2025 14:37

I'd be congratulating your DD for standing up for herself.

I take it SIL is her daughter... shes going to be a lot more conflicted.

SIL needs to grow a spine. If that had been my mother I would have told her exactly where she could get off. Sometimes, if people are terribly rude, it's hard to react fast but the lines are very clear here. Keep your poor DD away from this vile woman. If SIL tries to excuse her mother, then honestly I'd back away from her too. The girls can meet up somewhere else entirely.

Thisismynewname23 · 20/10/2025 20:21

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

Absolutely with your daughter what a nasty witch, I would never speak to her again and 100% back up my daughter in doing the same, how dare she! I would not budge on this even an apology from mil would not change this for me it’s a character assault how dare she! What a brilliant daughter you have to stand up for herself and show others what she won’t accept x