To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

[Teenpromdrama]

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

From your updates I'm happy to see you are leaning heavily towards not getting DD to apologise but wanted to add my support to that decision. Please don't ask your DD to apologise and make peace unless MIL apologises first and then only if DD chooses to, all our DC girls and boys (but honestly more girls let's face it) need to be taught not to take being treated like this quietly and not to call out despicable behaviour regardless of who it is, family friend stranger.

Absolutely talk to her about ways to call people out where she can have the moral high ground free and clear (even though I agree she is a horrible nasty witch!) And teach her not to be a walk over or people pleaser. I think you should also talk to her and explain that you had a freeze reaction (which is valid) and how you would have liked to have reacted.

As for your SIL I understand its not as simple as shes had years of this behaviour and has been conditioned to a learned response of trying to make peace, that however is her decision to make and all you can do is support her, you are not responsible for her choices, only your own and to give guidance on how DD should make her choices. DH needs to either deal with it or walk away but he should not be pressuring you or DD to take any actions that don't sit right with you both

Team daughter all the way 💪

Yes, the aunt spoke up at the time but this pressure to let it go is not ok!

OP is right in backing DD's request to go NC after that vicious attack. The MIL is the last person who should be pandered to at this point.

There is no reason why the girls can't still have a relationship with each other independent of their GM.

Your husband is choosing to put himself in the middle. This is one where he has to choose a side. There is no coming back from that kind of a tirade. She dislikes your daughter intensely and bullies her in a terrible way. I wonder if this has been going on when you're not in the room in a milder form.

SIL doesn't have to deal with her either. She chooses to. There's no peace to be kept with an old woman who bullies and tries to tear down a teen. Your MIL wants her to feel bad. Let your husband and SIL digest that.

Your husband and SIL have enabled this nastiness over the years for an easy life and look what it's gotten them. Your daughter having to endure a tirade about how awful she is, wtf. Your daughter should never have to be in her presence or speak to her again.

Just arrange to meet sil and niece away from mil, you dont need to cut them off surely

Your MIL needs to apologise and promise she will never be so vile to your daughter again.

I was/ am the same as your daughter. hair makeup academic etc etc etc. I’d be enormously proud if I had a daughter that stuck to her principles and didn’t just follow the crowd.

If your MIL can’t support and celebrate what all her gcs are and want she’s not worth the time and space

Your DH needs to stand up to his vile mother, this will stay with your DD forever and she will remember who stood up for her and who didn't.

If your DH doesn't fully take your DD's side then let him know not to be surprised if your DD loses respect for him and limit contact with him down the line.

SIL has a choice if she wants to continue putting up with MIL's vile behaviour. Maybe if SIL and your DH cut out contact with her the vile cow might reign it in but I doubt it.

Do not sacrifice your DD or yourself at the altar of appeasing MIL or helping SIL with her own mother and/or avoiding conflict. Only one person caused conflict and that was your MIL - she should be the only one suffering for it. It's SUCH an important lesson for young (and old!) girls to learn. They don't owe anyone appeasement or a smooth ride when they've been on the receiving end.

Your DD showed guts in calling out MIL for what she is. Your SIL and DH can learn from her and do the same.

@Teenpromdrama I suppose I’m conflicted because sil is now the one having to deal with mil

That’s not your problem. She isn’t your mother. You don’t need to deal with her at all. Your SIL doesn’t even need to deal with her. She can choose to not engage with her abusive mother.

Tell your daughter from me she’s fabulous just as she is.
You should be well proud she told the old witch a few homes truths.
Can’t understand why you are not raging against the nasty old bag and are wondering what to do.
I and my daughter would have nothing to do with her going forward.

If your husband tries to stay on the fence, you're going to have to be blunt with him.

If he stays on the fence, he's letting you and his daughter know he's ok with his mother verbally and emotionally abusing his daughter simply because of who she is.

I think your MIL has probably ruined her relationships with all her granddaughters. I would assume your niece will tell her older sister what has happened and what your MIL said. There’s no coming back from what she said to your DD. She really showed her true colours.

I agree. What the MIL said to her own grandchild was unforgivable. No apology on earth could repair that damage.

As for the DD saying 'witch' - I expect that the word on her lips was 'bitch' but she refrained from swearing, which shows admirable restraint if you ask me.

I'd be ringing the MIL up and telling her if she thought an apology from DD was going to be forthcoming then she had another think coming, because I would never force any child of mine to apologise for telling the truth.

MIL was wrong - even leaving aside the aspect that this is a mature adult bullying a teen. MIL probably never WILL apologise, although she may come around to minimising the situation and backing down on not wanting to see DD, but don't engage with ANY talk of DD apologising.

Also, I think it's probably really important to insist that her dad back her up on this. He doesn't have to fall out with anyone, but she's not apologising because she did nothing wrong. It's pretty basic! If she's being pressured by SIL for a fake apology to smooth things over or preserve family unity, it's still a firm "no"; MIL is in the wrong and is perfectly free to apologise (and please don't ask again).

Holy fuck what an awful situation. Of course your DD should not apologise. If you suggest she should, let alone ask her to, then you’re teaching her that she deserves to be treated like this and she absolutely doesn’t. You need to show her that you are on her side.

Ignore your SIL in this. She is an adult. She doesn’t have to deal with your MIL - she can choose to walk away too. Or she can stick around. But she can’t expect your DD to be the brunt of her verbal and emotional abuse just so SIL has moral support.

In your shoes I’d write to your MIL and tell her you regard her behaviour to DD as unacceptable (abusive, if you wish) and that you are proud of her for sticking up for herself. Say DD will not apologise and that if MIL wishes to apologise she will consider it but there is no guarantee an apology will ever repair the damage done.

If your DH feels caught in the middle here he needs to grow a back bone and stop acting like a door mat. It’s not about taking sides it’s about sticking up for what’s right.

Your DD sounds awesome by the way. I’ll be really proud if mine grow up the same.

Well I would hope your daughter has more backbone than to allow you or anyone to "make" her apologise when she's done nothing wrong (she hasn't). But no, of course you shouldn't try. And if MIL works out for herself that she needs to apologise and does so, obviously it's totally DD's choice whether she wants to accept and see her again.

Would DD apologise if MIL apologised first?

Your DD stood up to her abuser, and she should be proud of that.

No apology from the MIL could ever go far enough to make up for that total character assassination.

The DD should absolutely NOT apologise. Not in any way, shape or form.

I am with your daughter. What she said could do a huge amount of damage to your daughter. It is one thing to encourage her to go to the prom but another to say such horrible things to a young girl.

OP's daughter does not need to apologize.
And Jesus f-ing Christ why isn't the dad supporting his own daughter??? He should be telling his mum off for how she treated his child.

I think DD is great! She knows what she likes and is an individual. As for MIL she needs to be the one making apologies. She is an evil old witch and well done to your daughter for speaking the truth, and well done to you for defending your daughter!

Fully agree with this.

Your DH has to realise that there is no way back. His DM has nothing but contempt for your DD. There is no love there, and she enjoys picking DD apart and belittling her. Any apologies on either side will never change that dynamic. MIL does not like DD. DH needs to face this fact and protect his daughter.

MIL will never agree to apologise so she's the one left looking bad. DD has taken the high road.

Why should the victim of an abusive tirade, that would be the daughter, apologize to her abuser?

Please, tell me why?

MIL is old enough to know better. She knowingly targeted the daughter when her mom was out of the room and it was bad enough that SIL was shouting at her to stop. But she didn't.

There's no rugsweeping abuse. That's what OP's husband and her SIL want to do. The hell with that.