Horrified by DD’s new boyfriend

[Rosesspring]

I know this sounds terribly judgemental but I can’t help but feeling my DD can do so much better.

She has a new boyfriend - she has sent a photo of him (we haven’t met yet). Covered in tattoos - including his neck. He is currently out of work and lives with his parents on one of the local estates which has a dreadful reputation.

Do I just keep my mouth shut and hope it doesn’t go anywhere?

As my gran used to say - you are a member of the welcoming party, not the selection committee.

Unfortunately I think you do have to keep your mouth shut. I can understand why you would want to say something though.

I just think it’s always best not to get involved in your kids relationships.

Yes. Stay stum and hope it will end naturally. If you say anything then you risk her not talking to you about him and loosing contact.

How old is she? You’re right, it does sound terribly judgemental. Tattoos don’t equate to terrible person and neither does being out of work at present. I grew up in a housing association street, I’m sure people like you would have looked down on me but I’ve turned out pretty well.

Of course keep yourself quiet. You can’t judge someone from a picture, where he lives and the fact he has tattoo’s is irrelevant and doesn’t mean he is a bad person. It would be better that he has a job but you don’t know the circumstances around it.

why not meet him before you decide he's no good for her?

I actually completely disagree with the same nothing brigade
I made it very clear to one of my daughters that her boyfriend would never be welcome in our family and if she had children with him they would never be welcome and funnily enough her relationship with me was more important than the potential relationship with him so she got rid.
We aren’t there to be our Children’s friends, we know better and they need to know that we know better

Sage and excellent advice.

Why doesn’t he work?

But she hasn’t even met him she’s seen a photo. Presuming her daughter is an adult she has no right to dictate who she can and cannot date

Oh no not a neck tattoo 😱 this is surely a sign that he worships the devil.

As long as he treats her right I wouldn’t care less if he’s got tattoos or comes from a council estate with a dreadful reputation. She could be with a bloke who has no tattoos and comes from an affluent area who abuses her, appearance doesn’t define peoples character.

Wow.

This sort of behaviour will backfire on you one day. So controlling.

I know plenty of very successful people who are covered in tattoos. I also know plenty of successful people who grew up on council estates, and whom have had periods of unemployment for one reason or another. It’s quite possible that some people will be perfectly lovely with all three attributes. Do all three together make me somewhat wary? Possibly. But I’d wait to actually find out more before writing him off.

No, it makes my children make better choices
Because I can’t lose that situation either they make better choices
Or I don’t have to watch the carnage
But the number of people who sat back and said nothing while I was in a horrific relationship and then afterwards said yes never liked him was criminal

I mean, let’s be real here: the neck tattoos show he has zero judgment skills about how the world works. His employability has tanked because of them. So, I would feel the same as you, OP.

That said, you can’t go in all guns blazing because then you make him the forbidden fruit and you’ll have a Romeo and Juliet drama on your hands.

How old is your DD?

I'd be asking about how they met, what they've been doing, take an interest. As long as they aren't planning a pregnancy, there's no need to panic.

Covered in tattoos - including his neck. He is currently out of work and lives with his parents on one of the local estates which has a dreadful reputation.

Absolutely NONE of those points make me think he is a bad person. He could be lovely. Tattoos ≠bad person
no job (assuming he is between jobs and has held down jobs before) ≠ that he is lazy
lives with his parents (isn’t it lovely he has a supportive family) ≠ he is a bad person either
local estate with bad rep…brush…tar…

I'm amazed you still have a relationship

If he's good to her, treats her well and is respectful - he's a good guy. If he doesn't, then I hope she's empowered enough to give him the elbow without your need for interference.

Is your DD happy? Has she given you any indication that he is treating her badly?

If you have really made this judgement based on the information you have given, maybe think about how your DD would feel knowing that's what you think of someone she cares about.

My DS has a lot of tattoos and lived at home until recently. He is a lovely human being and treats his GF with love and respect. I'd hate to think someone judges his suitability as a partner for their DD based on some tattoos.

my god. You’re lucky to even have a relationship with her after that. How horrendous.

I know plenty of people with tattoos who have jobs, including neck tattoos, I’ve also worked withe people who have pink hair doesn’t affect them doing their job one bit.

If you actually felt there was a problem and not being as judgmental as it comes across, i would be become his best friend, she cant blame you for not being nice to him and the attraction will more than likely wear off if you become his bestie or he will run away screaming

No she’s lucky to have a relationship with me. It works both ways. We’re not there to be punch bags for our children to deal with all the shit they sent to us via unsuitable boyfriends that have never been part of the family and never should be.