Horrified by DD’s new boyfriend

[Rosesspring]

I know this sounds terribly judgemental but I can’t help but feeling my DD can do so much better.

She has a new boyfriend - she has sent a photo of him (we haven’t met yet). Covered in tattoos - including his neck. He is currently out of work and lives with his parents on one of the local estates which has a dreadful reputation.

Do I just keep my mouth shut and hope it doesn’t go anywhere?

Just search my comments it’s there. It was an extreme case, but I would say to anybody don’t think that you do not have an opinion or you have to welcome just anyone.
Me saying to her that I would cut her off would not have been enough
For her to think that she wouldn’t have support with her children would be sufficient and was sufficient to make her realise she was not gonna get the life she wanted with him

You've not said if hes a lovely person or not and how he treats your DD. I was brought up in an area that wasnt as posh as my exes and friends and brought up sorry by a single parent, the best parent in the world who found herself in a situation where she was single. I went to uni have a great job and I bloody tell you now am a better person than all those exes and people who looked down on us. Shame on them and shame on you.

I agree that not encouraging your child to be with someone who is obviously wrong for them IS the job of a parent. But there are ways to do that!

They also need to get things out of their system, a few flings with a few of the local bad boys is part of life. You just have to make sure it doesn't get serious.

Someone unemployed with no ambition, no money and no interest in life tends to get boring very quickly thankfully!

My late mil thought like you @HRchatter wasnt good enough the things she said about me and my family was horrific, she even said we were not married because our wedding wasn't in a church she.was batshit! i don't understand your way of thinking surely you could be civil to partners and allow them in your house ?

It also protects your daughters if you "accept" them you don't need to like them.

Maybe Google Dr Sarah Gray

My GP has sleeve tattoos and he is lovely! Tattoos don’t make people inept at jobs, nor should they be judged for them (unless they are vulgar or offensive) Attitudes towards tattoos are not the same as they once were. In every office I have worked in, no one bats an eyelid.

It's astonishing to me that you can be 'horrified' by someone you haven't met and about whom you know nothing.

His tattoos and his address are irrelevant. Being out of work is only a concern if it's a long-term lifestyle choice for him - but even then, it's not really any of your business, assuming your daughter is an adult.

If someone was 'horrified' by you based on a photo and your address, how would you feel? Presumably you can't possibly imagine anyone feeling that way, but I'm pretty sure plenty of people would be able to make some unpleasant judgements about you based on those things.

You can't say "council estate" on Mumsnet, the Surrey Massive will have conniptions.

But to make that judgement on the basis of 1 photo that they have "no ambition, no money and no interest in life" is just plain bigoted.

Give the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully OP has read replies, realised they are being precipitous and are embarrassed.

Sorry, is embarrassed.

@HRchatter it sounds like you felt deeply betrayed by people not intervening. But you have no idea what you would have done if you had received the type of approach you now advocate. Extremes of any sort are rarely beneficial in the long term.
Your attitude and approach are extreme. They may give the results you apparently desire in the short term, but show me any guidance supporting your approach other than within extremely controlling communities such as deeply religious societies.
You appear to have had a reactive response to your own experience and have opted to do the exact opposite. That's not a well informed basis for parenting.

OMG this is perfect! Nailed it!

I love this!!

Trust that you raised her well enough that she will see the light and dump him before tying herself to him permanently via marriage / kids.

I would not judge him based on where he lives there. He likely has little choice in that.

I also would advise if you do want to speak to your mind, at least meet him first. Judging him on the fact that he has tattoos and currently does not have a job (when you don't know the reasons) does seem more than a little shallow.

he's unemployed. I don't need a photo to make a judgement about THAT.

If she had ignored you what then? Would you have disowned her / your grandchildren?

Oh not unemployed the horror !

If someone was 'horrified' by you based on a photo and your address, how would you feel? Presumably you can't possibly imagine anyone feeling that way, but I'm pretty sure plenty of people would be able to make some unpleasant judgements about you based on those things.

My house has a number, not a name.

I know people already make judgements about that, that's life 😂

You’re uncertain of him so I would advise you to treat him as your future son in law and show him the love and courtesy you would show Prince Charming if DD brought him home - I say this in case your concerns are proven justified and he chooses to alienate your DD from her family. Don’t give him his lines “they never liked me” “they control you” etc etc. At least if you give him a fair chance and (within reason) the benefit of the doubt in future disagreements then your DD will be able to argue back with examples rather than doubting herself. I know someone who is now estranged from their family due to a manipulative DH but the difference is they presented as a Prince at first: clean cut, suited and booted - now she’s his slave.

wow, talk about low expectations for your children, how low can the bar go 😂

You know what’s really funny, I know of plenty of men with no tattoos, have good jobs, own their own homes and grew up in NAICE areas that are absolute ASSHOLES!…just saying…

Abusive parents often do bully their children into submission. That's true.

Fuck me. Mumsnet is nuts. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

And what do you honestly think saying anything would achieve?