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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Horrified by DD’s new boyfriend

114 replies

Rosesspring · 20/10/2025 10:55

I know this sounds terribly judgemental but I can’t help but feeling my DD can do so much better.

She has a new boyfriend - she has sent a photo of him (we haven’t met yet). Covered in tattoos - including his neck. He is currently out of work and lives with his parents on one of the local estates which has a dreadful reputation.

Do I just keep my mouth shut and hope it doesn’t go anywhere?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 20/10/2025 11:40

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:36

wow, talk about low expectations for your children, how low can the bar go 😂

The number of graduates currently unemployed or working in temporary, minimum wage roles whilst they search for professional roles is extremely high. Being unemployed is no indication of character.

AutumnCosy2025 · 20/10/2025 11:40

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:23

I agree that not encouraging your child to be with someone who is obviously wrong for them IS the job of a parent. But there are ways to do that!

They also need to get things out of their system, a few flings with a few of the local bad boys is part of life. You just have to make sure it doesn't get serious.

Someone unemployed with no ambition, no money and no interest in life tends to get boring very quickly thankfully!

No it's not. Who your adult child chooses to be with is their decision. You duty as a parent is to raise them well to knows their self worth & make good life decisions.

Someone unemployed with no ambition, no money and no interest in life

Wow that's a hell of a judgemental jump from a photo & knowing he's currently unemployed...like the vast majority of this years uni graduates & school leavers...

Serendipetty · 20/10/2025 11:42

Loveduppenguin · 20/10/2025 11:37

You know what’s really funny, I know of plenty of men with no tattoos, have good jobs, own their own homes and grew up in NAICE areas that are absolute ASSHOLES!…just saying…

Edited

Yes. My Dad always 'knew better'. Said if I ever brought home a guy who wasn't white he'd 'break his neck and then mine'.

Safe to say 'home' wasn't where I lived past the age of 15 and now we haven't' spoken properly in years and not at all for the past 2.

Jokes on him anyway as I'm gay so bringing any 'guy' (white or otherwise) 'home' didn't and shan't ever happen. My Dad is a very wealthy landlord who grew up in a very 'naice' area, no (cries) council estate in sight.

If I were the OP I'd want to know more about him. Is he unemployed due to looking for work and studying? Or is he sitting around smoking weed all day spouting conspiracy theories? Is his tattoo of a swastika (that's how you spell it, PP who hates their children being real people) or is it an abstract design and he wants to open his own studio?

Invite him over.

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:45

BnuchOfCnuts · 20/10/2025 11:38

Fuck me. Mumsnet is nuts. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

so you expect the OP to finance the boyfriend? Or the daughter?

No, do tell us. One is unemployed with no income, so WHO is going to pay for them? If it's so funny, go on.

Coffeeishot · 20/10/2025 11:47

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:36

wow, talk about low expectations for your children, how low can the bar go 😂

You don't know why someone is out of work, having a blanket "unemployment puts me off" just shows how rigid you are,

Fwiw my children are fine employed with employed spouses and their own homes and everything so my bar isn't that low.

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:50

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/10/2025 11:40

The number of graduates currently unemployed or working in temporary, minimum wage roles whilst they search for professional roles is extremely high. Being unemployed is no indication of character.

Funny that, all the refugiees that arrived in my neck of the world and whose kids are at school with mine ARE employed somehow, mums and dads.

I know, because we helped and still help to arrange the wraparound care/ school runs for the kids, parents can't be in 2 places at once, and none of them has a car (yet).

I don't know any graduates unemployed either - many are still looking for the job they want, but they don't stay at home doing nothing in the meantime.

But ok, if you say so, if you are happy with your kids staying with unemployed people 😂

HebeMumsnet · 20/10/2025 11:50

Morning, everyone. We're not entirely convinced by this thread. We're going to take it down shortly.

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:51

Coffeeishot · 20/10/2025 11:47

You don't know why someone is out of work, having a blanket "unemployment puts me off" just shows how rigid you are,

Fwiw my children are fine employed with employed spouses and their own homes and everything so my bar isn't that low.

I see, it would be wonderful if they were with unemployed boy/girlfriends but actually they all are employed. 😂

Coffeeishot · 20/10/2025 11:51

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:50

Funny that, all the refugiees that arrived in my neck of the world and whose kids are at school with mine ARE employed somehow, mums and dads.

I know, because we helped and still help to arrange the wraparound care/ school runs for the kids, parents can't be in 2 places at once, and none of them has a car (yet).

I don't know any graduates unemployed either - many are still looking for the job they want, but they don't stay at home doing nothing in the meantime.

But ok, if you say so, if you are happy with your kids staying with unemployed people 😂

My god!

Coffeeishot · 20/10/2025 11:52

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:51

I see, it would be wonderful if they were with unemployed boy/girlfriends but actually they all are employed. 😂

Ah i see you now !

HRchatter · 20/10/2025 11:52

JHound · 20/10/2025 11:38

Abusive parents often do bully their children into submission. That's true.

Abusive boyfriends make whole families lives hell
And if you’ve got the life experience to be able to spot these red flags before your daughter does you are failing in your duty if you’re not the one to pointed out

Jtfrtj · 20/10/2025 11:53

OP, the people who are giving you hell and calling you judgemental most likely mix with the same calibre of people in their social circle, and don’t see anything alarming or unusual in your description of him.

People having lower standards for their daughter’s potential partners doesn’t make you a snob, based on that alone anyway. They say you can’t judge a book by its a cover, which I’m not entirely disputing of course there are always exceptions, but they also say a picture paints a thousand words. Remember, we have not seen the photo, the OP has. Photos can also give insight to individuals based on their facial expressions, demeanour, and how they choose to dress themselves.

I live in London and encounter a diverse mix of people from all walks of life daily. Social and life experience has taught me to spot someone ‘rough’ or ‘trouble’ a mile off. Just like when police release mugshots of individuals who have committed crimes and it’ll generate hundreds of comments along the lines of “You can tell he’s guilty”. (And yes most of these individuals fall into the demographic of; unemployed, no fixed address still with mum, heavily tattooed)

Don’t pretend we don’t all recognise it, or that you’re so much more open minded and enlightened than us who don’t defy what we see before our own eyes.

All that being said, we can all be wrong. Invite him over for an informal drink or dinner, and access his attitude to life and towards your daughter. Your gut will confirm.

(Yes I’m a bit of a snob and I don’t care 🙂)

Loveduppenguin · 20/10/2025 11:54

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:45

so you expect the OP to finance the boyfriend? Or the daughter?

No, do tell us. One is unemployed with no income, so WHO is going to pay for them? If it's so funny, go on.

Maybe he has savings? Maybe he is getting some unemployment benefits? We don’t know the full story!

Jtfrtj · 20/10/2025 11:56

Loveduppenguin · 20/10/2025 11:54

Maybe he has savings? Maybe he is getting some unemployment benefits? We don’t know the full story!

Oh well if he has unemployment benefits then FANTASTIC, just what every mother wants her daughter to be supported by in life. Did you really try to use that as a positive in your argument 😂

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