To not clean up DH’s sick

[Dollyflip]

DH went out for ‘a few drinks’ last night and rolled in at 1.15am. Our bedroom is downstairs and it’s all open plan downstairs. 11DD slept with me as we are up early for football. DD woke as dog was barking when he got back. Anyway he threw up all over himself on the couch it’s EVERYWHERE. DD was scared and upset as she could hear him just being sick. I went out saying ‘what the heck!!’ And left him to deal with it but he hasn’t. And he just sat saying to me stop being a fuckin prick and sorry. Now he’s fast asleep upstairs with all the sick left everywhere and I have to get up with my DD for football. Should I have cleaned it all up?? Or am I right leaving him to deal with it? I’m going upto him now and telling him he needs to sort it out. I’m so repulsed by him. We are going on holiday weds too but the way I feel now I hate his guts. He hasn’t been sick like this for a long time but has had incidents when hes been drunk which has lead to us nearly splitting up numerous times. I feel to blame as if I had split last time this wouldn’t of happened and my DD wouldn’t be upset!

Yes sadly at OP's children's ages they likely already are.
But better late than never.
I think it's so sad he threw up over her homework...poor girl....hope she tells the teacher what an idiot her dad is and doesn't get told off for not doing it.

The sad thing about this is they choose alcohol every time. because there are 3 of you in this marriage and the alcohol takes priority every time.

I mean I’ll be honest - I don’t drink. But if I did and I was that drunk I was throwing up all over myself, I would hope that the person who said they loved me would help me?!

Only the first time!

I'm astounded by that too. Everyone knows that's what the eventual outcome will be if they overdo it, so why have more than 2 or 3 drinks?! That's plenty to have a good time without poisoning yourself.

Nope. Even if you are drunk you can find the loo, a bin/bucket/bowl or go outside!

Zero sympathy from me and especially a grown adult with kids. This wasn't a 17 year old and even 17 year olds can find the loo if they feel sick.

He destroyed her homework! My father never managed that one.

Well he wont mind your DDs teacher knowing that he got so pissed and threw up over her homework then will he. You know as its overeacting right?

@Havinganosy

What a weird take on this.

A 51 year old man with family responsibilities and children at home drinks to the extent that he vomits all over the communal family area - including a child’s homework - and you think that he needs help with the clean up?

It is ABSOLUTELY a choice to not exceed your drinking limit and respect your wife, children and home.

Out of interest, what do you propose the DC tells her teacher tomorrow about the ruined homework?

”Daddy vomited all over my homework because he couldnt control his drinking but it wasnt his choice”?

Be for real. Your post has annoyed me so much. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and adults DO have choices. Kids don’t.

I can’t believe your post TBH.

Absolutely do not clean it up as it’s lesson for him to do it again and you’ll clean up. He needs to never do this again

You say you’re unhappy and he earns x 12 what you do.
He repulses you!
The example he’s setting your daughters will stay with them for life.
Would you want a similar partnership for them or alternatively one of respect.
What advice would you give them?
Teach them to have standards

He would have had just one warning from me had he shown me such disrespect. Don’t put up with crap from no one.

Book a professional deep clean for the home, he can afford it!
That will make the message crystal clear.

Get copies of all the financials. Access all/ any bank accounts / pensions and take records. Given he’s a high earner you sould be in a better position than many.

Go on holiday, play it cool and PLAN then take the disrespectful gaslighting bastard to the cleaners with the best lawyer you can find.

I have not. I have been in an abusive relationship without alcohol playing a part though, so I can empathise a lot and that must have been awful for you.

The OP didn’t say her husband had alcohol or anger issues though, just that he had took it too far on a night out, so my response was aimed at that and not meant to be a reflection of what I might think about an abusive relationship.

You said: ‘No reasonable person…’

Exactly. The OP’s husband IS NOT a reasonable person. He’s an absolute arsehole.

Imagine reaching retirement with this utter prick and having to spend an even greater part of your life with him. Ugh.

He should clean it up himself obviously, but I might have done it straight after it happened because sick can be so hard to remove after it's dried, and of course it will smell. What an idiot.

So it was because a) he had a bug and b) he'd been fasting and c) you go on at him all the time, so he was driven to it.

Nope. Him coming home drunk/not knowing his limits is one thing - we all have different tolerance levels for that. But the fact that he has done this repeatedly, ruining furniture and furnishings (not to mention his daughter's homework!), AND was nasty about it - I don't know many women who'd put up with that.

You and your DDs matter too - not just his ego. Tricky to know what to do about the holiday, but I'd want him to guarantee he wouldn't be drinking on the trip. If he can't last a week without drinking, he can stay home and think about his priorities, and face the consequences of his choice when you return.

I have kids and responsibilities and I have 100% been sick after drinking (though I do rarely drink)
That doesn’t mean I have no respect for the house I own or for my children. Admittedly I have never been sick on myself (with the exception of when I was in labour and we didn’t get a bowl fast enough!) but even still…

I think you are naturally looking at this from an perspective of alcoholism and the issues you may have faced with it in the past, and I can understand that, but I am specifically talking about this one situation where someone has said their husband went out and had a few too many - not any other situation.

I think we need to be careful about the word choice and what we are inferring here. Obviously he chose to drink, and probably got carried away. To make the leap to that he made a choice to purposefully be sick on his daughter’s homework is a massive stretch.

People are human and we all make mistakes or do things we regret - or at least everyone I know has - particularly when drinking. I would like in those situations for people to treat me with kindness, as I would them. Maybe you are an exception and a perfect person though!

@Havinganosy

I am far from a perfect person. Far far from
it, believe me.

However if you read OPs posts this is NOT a one off - this man has wee’d in cupboards and wet the bed before.

I find it hard when I see you trying to minimise this sort of behaviour. It is not normal at all. It really isnt and we shouldnt normalise it.

You didnt answer me - what do you think the DC should say at school about the ruined homework?

I was responding to OPs original statement, and In isolation, I don’t think him being sick after drinking on a single occasion warrants not helping him. And let’s be honest, if he’s in that state he’s not going to be capable of cleaning it up is he?! And the last thing you want is to leave sick for hours!

Is that what he is seriously claiming to have drunk but that “isn’t that much”?

What was the point of fasting? Normally it is to lose weight but that doesn’t make sense if he then has a shit load of liquid calories.

What positives are there be being in this relationship?

Me too . . .

I haven’t red that yet, as I had only reason the original post when I left my first comment.

I’m not trying to minimise alcoholism or abuse - I was responding simply to the original question about helping clean up sick after someone who took it too far one night.

Honestly, I think they can tell the truth - right?! What else can you do? In all honesty, if I had been sick on my child’s homework they wouldn’t have any problems with either me or them telling the school that I had ruined it - they would not be scarred for life or anything.
However, if this isn’t a one off and they are constantly having to go to school to explain missing homework or other issues that could have been avoided by better care from the dad, then I can see that that would be really difficult, but I ultimately think telling the school could help.

I think context is everything, I just don’t think even a grown adult should be hung out to dry for taking it too far on a night out, personally. (Again, I’m not talking about alcoholism)

This is my plan. After the last time we nearly split I did speak with a solicitor but decided in January to make things work one last time & he did seem to make an effort but come March he was letting things slip again and fell back into doing nothing around the house again. I have made sure I’ve got a full time job now so I have some of my own money and feel more confident that I could manage financially without him.
He went to a festival in July and missed most of the acts as was drunk. What a waste of money that was. I always know he will be drunk if I hear nothing and get no reply to messages. So I was expecting this after not hearing anything back. This year he hasn’t had any other sick / loss incidents but not a full year goes by without one sadly.

This and in his defence, he probably feels vile and realises he is in the wrong.
I would suggest that alot of people have drunk too much and been sick in the past.
OP's husband owes an apology to dd and herself

It's not going to be much of a holiday if DH spends it getting pissed, as he probably will.

Without trying to sound like I’m defending him, which I’m not, he’s usually not too bad on holidays.

I’m going for a walk with the dog as he’s watching football. He always shouts and bellows at it which again gives me serious ick I just can’t bare to be around him sometimes.