To not clean up DH’s sick

[Dollyflip]

DH went out for ‘a few drinks’ last night and rolled in at 1.15am. Our bedroom is downstairs and it’s all open plan downstairs. 11DD slept with me as we are up early for football. DD woke as dog was barking when he got back. Anyway he threw up all over himself on the couch it’s EVERYWHERE. DD was scared and upset as she could hear him just being sick. I went out saying ‘what the heck!!’ And left him to deal with it but he hasn’t. And he just sat saying to me stop being a fuckin prick and sorry. Now he’s fast asleep upstairs with all the sick left everywhere and I have to get up with my DD for football. Should I have cleaned it all up?? Or am I right leaving him to deal with it? I’m going upto him now and telling him he needs to sort it out. I’m so repulsed by him. We are going on holiday weds too but the way I feel now I hate his guts. He hasn’t been sick like this for a long time but has had incidents when hes been drunk which has lead to us nearly splitting up numerous times. I feel to blame as if I had split last time this wouldn’t of happened and my DD wouldn’t be upset!

As per pp he has a drink problem and a respect problem, and his attitude does not suggest he has the slightest interest in fixing either.

The way he has treated your daughter her is absolutely awful. She must feel sick herself (As a teen my parents subjected me to drama like this and I can't tell you how much I hated it. I didn't say anything though.) I really feel sorry for your dd here.

I couldn't leave home quickly enough and had a distant relationship with both parents for the next several years. It got better when they had sorted some of their shit out, but at the time I hated hated hated it all , and despised both of them
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Did he phone the school and explain what happened with the book or did you?

With every post he just gets worse and worse.

Please please do not continue to expose your DD to her alcoholic father.

Sounds like his mother couldnt wait to get rid of him. Small bladder my arse.

Dhar mann has some videos on alcoholic husbands. What can happen and the effect it has on the family. They are not too long, very simply played out and the message is easily understood. It could get him thinking. You could set It up to come on when he's in the living room

Leave NOW. What a thoroughly depressing situation OP

Serious talk when back from holiday

it won’t make any diff

he says sorry. You forgive. Till happen again. And repeat

you don’t love him. He doesn’t respect you or dd

why stay together

as I replied above I get it’s hard leaving dh.

Easy for people to type ltb but it’s not their life being torn apart

do you want this happening every year @Dollyflip

splitting up and divorce is the only way things will get better

I know. I’ve been where you are now

If I were you I’d be packing his bag tonight OP, and telling him to get the fuck out of my house

You'll be needing some holiday reading material for the plane and the beach. Here's a start:

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/children-of-alcohol-abusing-parents-the-legacy-finding-healing

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/evaluation-of-the-children-of-alcohol-dependent-parents-programme-innovation-fund/evaluation-of-the-children-of-alcohol-dependent-parents-programme-innovation-fund-executive-summary

https://duckduckgo.com/?t=fpas&q=children+of+alcoholic+parents&ia=web

So would I.

I bet he used to have a great time when he worked away.

I see a lot of people have mentioned about him having a alcohol problem and being a alcoholic but he doesn’t often drink and can sometimes go a while without drinking, it’s when he does and goes out with his mates that he has ended up in these states. He did a few times in lockdown. We did have marriage counselling a few years ago and he swore never to get in a state again yet here we are down the line.
People mention me leaving him but if I leave the family home won’t that looo bad for me in a divorce?
When we nearly split last year he didn’t leave and stayed upstairs so he won’t leave either I don’t think!

He is definitely a problematic binge drinker and trust me when I say, people who drink like that can never truly moderate (i know because I used to do it too). The way alcohol affects our brains means as soon as we have that first one, we are fighting a losing battle. Stopping drinking completely really is the only way of guaranteeing it wont happen again - would he entertain that idea?

You apply for divorce. Legally if both names on mortgage you can’t kick him out. Same as he can’t with you.

but you set the wheels in motion

either house gets sold and divide or you will live there till kids are 18/out of education (if the main carer) and then sell and dh will find a small place

He has stopped drinking a few weeks at a time and a few months at a time but never completely for good. After these episodes he’s always disappointed in himself and says ‘I didn’t even enjoy it’ bla bla bla I’ve hear it all before. He has a binging problem in general and I’ve said to him before about eating disorders as he has an obsession with his weight. He’s recently been fasting for 2/3 days at a time but then at weekend eat loads of biscuits, crisps etc so what’s the point!!

It honestly sounds like he has an addictive personality.

What if it is just in your name? What happens in that scenario?

People mention me leaving him but if I leave the family home won’t that looo bad for me in a divorce?
When we nearly split last year he didn’t leave and stayed upstairs so he won’t leave either I don’t think!

People also mentioned talking to a solicitor - which is what you should do. Don't look for legal advice on here!

My (not professional in any way) view is that simply walking out of the family home would be problematic in all sorts of ways. In addition to bearing all the costs of finding accommodation for yourself and your DC you could still be liable to continue paying the mortgage. (And, as seen on a previous thread here, getting UC is problematic too, as, on paper at least, you have a huge financial asset in the house you jointly own!)

And, as you already know, it's not that easy to force him to leave.

However you can tell him that you want a divorce and get the wheels in motion.

On the alcohol front, someone who binges like that just can't stop once they get started. Maybe you could persuade him to stay somewhere else overnight if/when he goes out drinking with his mates? (Or just lock / barricade the doors)

Coming home out of his head, nasty, and throwing up everywhere, including on his childs school work, is domestic abuse and grounds to flee the home.
You need to talk to Women's aid and get legal advice.
You may be entitled to legal aid for domestic abuse.
I certainly would class what he has done as domestic abuse.
Have you helped yourself by telling the school?

It's his house/home, too. Best move would be to get on with it, sell up and split the proceeds so you can both have your own space and live your own lives.

When people here are saying you need to leave him, what they actually mean is you need to make plans to divorce and decide where you will be living after separation. You don’t need to just walk out unless you believe you are in immediate danger. You need to speak to a solicitor who is clued up about addiction and domestic abuse.

@Dollyflip can I ask op. You say you spoke to a solicitor before . You say you are done .
He gives you the ick and that in January you gave it “one last change “
So after the holiday you plan a serious talk , what will the talk be about? Are you looking for more words from him which will only bring short term or no actions.
Or do you mean a serious talk to tell him it’s over? If the later I’d be all organised before you have that talk .

I mean to tell him it’s over but I want to have the talk when we are not in the midst of a blip so it can be more amicable and not fuelled by anger.
I read through a similar thread earlier with a situation very similar and the op said ‘it’s not like this all the time. Most of the time it’s good and these are just blips’. Which is why I think I’ve just tried to keep going. But when the blips happen every year and you’ve been together 19 years that’s a lot of blips and I’ve built up a resentment over time. When I was younger I put up with so much more worse things and I was so naive and stayed with him.
I know I’ve checked out because back in June, on a weekend away, I got chatting to another man and there was a lot of chemistry and I found myself flirting back. Had I not been away with my Mum I was very tempted to do something! Which in itself made me think if I was so happy I would not feel like that, and also there are other men out there who potentially wouldn’t behave that way!

Then legally you can kick him out

same as I could as house was in my name and owned by me before we met

Sadly @Dollyflip it won’t be amicable

he will say he’s sorry. He loves you. He will stop drinking

you either forgive again and resent and then write another thread in 2/4/6mths or you say enough is enough and divorce

I wish dh changed. I truely do. That we could have salvaged our marriage - But he didn’t and still drinks now so I know I made the right decision

but yes it’s hard. I said before. No one wants to be a single parent and yes it’s tiring but dd and I are happier.

No more walking on eggshells and tbh I didn’t reliese how much I did - til I didn’t

It doesn’t matter if you are married as in-law you both own 50/50 whether there’s 1 or 2 names on the deeds