AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

[Northcoastmama]

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

You aren't being in any way unreasonable but I voted that you are because your little boy sounds delightful and you really don't need to worry about him. Your reasonable to worry about him but your worth sounds unwarranted. You're a lovely parent.

As an aside, I am ND and I don't find the terms normal and not normal offensive in the slightest. If my behaviour was the norm the world would be in utter chaos!
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He sounds like my eldest, very sociable but very sensitive and intuitive, easily upset (mine does have epic tantrums unlike yours!) but also experiences a lot of joy/fun in life. No concerns from preschool or doctors so I'm not reall concerned about him - he's an absolute delight to be around and has loads of friends. We have autism in the family on my DH's side though so I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some traits emerge, but at the end of the day he's just who he is and it's my job to help him get along in the world whatever his personality is like. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it!

My husband and I and our children are not neurotypical - that's the woke way of saying not " normal". My son who is ADHD and ASD is actually quite quiet and never ran around flapping though as a toddler he was obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog. None of us have any trouble sleeping. My husband and I have had successful professional careers. My children are still students and I hope they have successful lives too. My oldest son is extremely gifted, very social, very charming. As I like to say nobody got a Nobel Prize for being normal - if you're like everybody else you'll never be exceptional.

You read as quite anxious about your child: I'd it possible that you have residual issues from the worry of bringing up a child with severe allergies?

You child sounds similar to mind. She us unusually empathetic (Ascribed feelings to teddies very young, looks after other children, is very distressed if anyone else is. The "mature" things you say your son says at 5, she is doing at 2.5!) She hates new staff turning up at her room at nursery, and will ignore or scream at them. During room changes, she suffers a lot if distress and cries and tries to go back to the previous one.

I don't think she has neurodiversity that will need "adjustments" or SENCO involvement. However we'll see how things go.

• He prefers adult company because that’s all he had until he was 3
• He has good language skills because he has spent a lot of time with adults who talk to him
• Most little boys go through dinosaur phase
• He is a kind and empathetic boy - what’s wrong with that?

Please please please stop looking for things that aren’t there. It’s so so harmful.

There's not really much difference beteeen normal/abnormal and typical/divergent in my view. Both are trying to capture the same thing, although i do see that abnormal has become a pejorative term. But generally, as a pp says, if there is no normal/typical, then how do we know when there is a difference that may need attention or support? This was all the OP was trying to capture.

He sounds very similar to one of mine at that age and we we're both working parents so he was used to daycare!

Honestly, it just sounds like he has...a personality. And a lovely one, at that. The 'abnormalities' you list just sound like a happy, well-adjusted child. What's wrong with us that we now pathologise sweet, well-behaved children and worry that they're not selfish, demanding and thoughtless?!

@Esthery yes the empathy started very early, we couldn’t listen to the five little ducks from about 16 months because he was sad about the mother duck being left alone! Your little girl sounds lovely, I think possibly there is a gender element to it, there’s an expectation that boys won’t be sensitive and empathetic in the same way perhaps so I’m possibly internalising that

For those asking about his allergies, they are hugely improved in the sense that he is no longer reacting to the saliva of other children who have consumed his allergens but he is entitled to funding from the LA for someone to discreetly observe him at break and lunch to ensure nothing is accidently ingested. Considering the complete lack of state funding atm this shows how severe his allergies still are but we have come so far and hope they will continue to improve

I teach reception (and I have a son who is ND).

From what you’ve said your son sounds like a lovely little boy who is sensitive and emotionally aware. I have a boy like him in my class. It’s sometimes societal perceptions of how a boy ‘should’ behave that can cause people to worry, but there’s no typical at that age really. If you are worried chat to his teacher and ask them to pass on your concerns to the SENDCO.

I’d agree 200%. It gives some insight into how you are viewing your son, OP.

These experiences will have left there mark on him, they can't not. But that will be in both ways that will feel hard and ways that will be wonderful. Maybe he is empathetic because he understands in his core what it is to be scared and he knows what it is to have someone loving (you) next to him to help. What an amazing young boy he is to know this and for his experience to not be turned in towards bitterness but out towards compassion.
His experiences are his experiences, you can't change that, but you can help him make sense of them in a way that benefits him.

But also you went through this trauma with him. You also hold it in you and I wonder if it is your own trauma lens which is panicking about what you are seeing in your son.

have you had support with your trauma? That might be worth doing and then through your own understanding of trauma you might understand your son better?

Wishing you all the best.

The use of normal and abnormal is actually so offensive.

Kindly, I think he needs a bit of acceptance from you in all honesty. He is who he is and you need to stop looking for problems that are not there.

He sounds like a delightful child. I'm childless by choice and was glad I had a niece but I imagine he would be lovely company and a pleasure to be around.

I'm sure if Argos still did a catalogue he would happily make a Christmas list.

He doesn’t sound like he has any problems. There’s no one cooker cutter person that represents normality.

Is he an only? Get him out there trying all sorts of things, swimming, football, art, music, karate etc. See what is his 'thing'. He may be an artist in the making. He sounds to me like a typical only child with very strong arty tendencies. They don't seem to fit into this modern labelling because they are individuals. They are the poets of the future. Sadly, our modern society has our kids jumping through allotted hoops before they can walk. I know a child who was a complete enigma at school who turned into the most beautiful and successful person who is now heading a leading government department with all sorts of high academic successes and has turned into the most amazing adult way ahead of their peers from school who have already bungled their lives through stupid choices. Stick with him, encourage him, and stop comparing him to his peers. A child does not really emerge much before 7 when their abstract thinking starts. Fill the next three years with as many 'safe' experiences as you can and you will be doing him the best favour. Be his champion, stand up for him in every circumstances. The rest of the world is not right, you are right doing what is right by him.

"Neurotypical" is just a scientific Greek way of saying "has a normal brain". Terms don't magically change how offensive they are because you've translated them into another language!

very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs

Never known a child that wasn't.

@Molko1503 the way you describe your children is beautiful. I can hear the pride and they sound like a joy.

It touched me because my LO is ASD, there’s so many things he does. He’s finally getting referred because he’s just about to turn 3. He’s been rejected purely because of age, sadly, when it’s evident he’s on the spectrum.

He also does a number of things your children do. I’m convinced he has a photographic memory, he knows the route to anywhere. If I say we are going to soft play, or the park, or the zoo, but deviate in any way (eg to get petrol) he gets upset and I have to explain we are just going x first.

He also gets really emotional around melancholic music. He almost cried at Adele (don’t blame him). He’s non verbal but expresses himself in so many other ways.

I just wanted to say it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job mama.

That's your choice to be offended. The term is not inherently offensive and as an ND person I'm not remotely offended by it.

My daughter has developmental trauma. She displays to anyone who doesn't know about trauma as if she has ADHD with autistic traits.

I don't think your son sounds particularly traumatised now, but that's not to say he wasn't when he was 3 or that something might not trigger symptoms in the future.

I would recommend a course of (private) play therapy and see what the therapist says. Going to therapy can be helpful in general as it gives children a safe space to explore and express emotions and things going on in their life at school and home etc.

Lots of posts responding to this but I don’t see this addressed so I will ask, have you raised the issue of his teacher stating he ‘definitely has adhd and asd’ after a week of him being there because that really, really shouldn’t have happened, for many reasons.

@GottaBeStrong thank you for this, I’ve done some reading and can see that the emotional side can be attributed to trauma, will definitely look into play therapy
@GloriousRain so this was his first ever experience of being with other adults at three in a pre pre setting so not a class teacher more of a room leader/early years leader I guess. She was very overwrought when she spoke to me and was almost aggressive in her assertion that he definitely had adhd and autism. It was horrrendous because I was already struggling so much to let someone else take care of him so to hear this which we really didn’t think was the case and so early on was really shocking. We complained and she apologised but then after he (quite quickly) settled she really turned it around and was so lovely with him and by the end of year was singing his praises so we did kind of let it go though I still feel quite angry

It sounds like you may have an INFJ personality child. Speaking as an adult INFJ 😊