AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

[Northcoastmama]

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

i am AuDHD and so are my three children. Every single one of us has a different presentation.

Your son sounds like my first boy. He never asked for anything and if he did it would be like an orange for Xmas. He also doesn’t have as many sensory issues as the other two (it’s just noise for him).. but he’s the ‘most autistic’ if you like out of the three of them? He didn’t have tantrums either until he got to around 6 and the workload increased in Year 1. It was then full on meltdowns back to back.

It also sounds like he may have dyspraxia with the jumping/coordination stuff you’ve mentioned.

If I were you I’d continue to make notes as getting on the waiting list with school not seeing anything is not worth the stress. As soon as he turns 6 approach your GP for a right to choose referral. School will still need to be involved and support it. But if he is masking in that setting obviously they won’t be able to write much. But the GP can get you on the lists. If he is diagnosed, they’ll probably want him to be assessed by an Occupational Therapist for dyspraxia. Two of my children and myself have it. My daughter could never rollerblade, bike etc and she still struggles with her left and right. My son is so clumsy and is always full of bruises from bumping into tables at school.

I know it’s a whole daunting world to consider but just so you know - all of my children are unique and so so special. My daughter (16) has just been diagnosed ‘late’ - Autism a couple of months back and ADHD this week. She had a really hard time in school - especially high school.. that’s when she changed a lot and couldn’t handle the social demands. She barely speaks to us now as she’s so tired from masking every day. I’ve not had boyfriends to deal with, smoking, drinking etc. She is absolutely beautiful (I know I’m biased) but a really beautiful young lady - and a lot of the girls in high school were horrible to her. She’s really down to earth and doesn’t ‘get’ how pretty she is or why these girls made her life hell. So the end of high school was awful for her and she ended up not going in anymore. Even though she was struggling so bad with Autism, masking every day and unmedicated ADHD.. she got straight 7’s and 8’s. I’ve never been prouder. She’s fluent in 2 languages - thankyou Autism! - and she’s been accepted into a very prestigious and competitive Sixth Form. She’s clever, beautiful and humble. She goes without things (doesn’t tell me she needs them) to save my money. She may want something, but then decides against it as she doesn’t want me to spend money on it. She doesn’t give a lot of affection, but she makes up for it in lots of little ways.

My son (7), has a photographic memory. He has never got a word wrong on his spelling tests even though he doesn’t practise them. Same for his time tables. He is quiet and doesn’t have many friends but he is happy that way. He doesn’t really speak to us that much some days. His attention to detail is phenomenal - learning his whole class’ birthdays (29 children) in reception - nobody asked him to. He sees things other people don’t. His memory skills are remarkable. He needs more reassurance than most children, but with the right support and love I know he will go far without even having to try!

My last son (5) - the wild child - is the one I didn’t think I had to worry about. He slept great, ate great.. But then came the sensory issues - noise, clothes having to ‘fit’ (he wears a size too small as he doesn’t like anything too ‘big’), smelling everything, putting everything in his mouth.. the signs are all there. He is the most competent socially - but now looking back - he’s been inappropriate at times and too forward with people.. inviting strange men into our home etc.. asking a stranger for a sandwich. My other two will barely speak to an adult.
But! He has the biggest heart of anyone I know. A song will make him cry.. he wells up when I play Moonlight Sonata on the piano. He stims with singing and having never heard the song before he can sing the tune anyway (about to get him music lessons - I ain’t teaching him until his ADHD is treated 🤣)
He Loves so deep, he feels so deep.. he compliments me every single day. And he is the first one there - he’s the only one there - to wipe mummy’s tears. He is a hyper empath, like his Mummy!

I know it’s scary to realise your son may be different.. but I wouldn’t change any one of mine for the world. They have challenges, limitations - yes. But what they make up for it in? Priceless. They amaze me every day. Don’t lose heart, if you do find out he is ND - it’s not the end of the world - it’s the start of a wonderful new one ❤️ embrace your new ‘normal’, love and support him and see what amazing qualities he has to share with you and the world. I’m sure he will make you proud every day.

As hard as my life is with 3 SEN kids and being ND myself? You couldn’t pay me to be ‘normal’. Yuck 😝

I'm a tough old lady and I still feel sad for fictitious characters!

Haven't read the whole thread but I'd read about co-dependency and "fawn" as a trauma response. Also "parentification". He sounds too mature for his age. I'd expect more selfishness by 5.
But you sound like a very attuned parent, which is a big part of raising happy and functional people. I know it's impossible, but try not to worry too much

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

My nephew is an only child and he was like this until 7. He is still very empathetic but since he discovered Pokemon, his non-material streak is over. He is the sunniest child ever.

I'd say the conversational things are because he's spending time with much older people regularly. I wouldn't be concerned about him not jumping etc until he was 5, I was nearly double figures before I had my stabilisers taken off.
It sounds like he gets lots of attention and opportunity to be himself so try not to worry. Kids who experience ill health can often under react act to things other kids over react to because of the distress they've had and having to cope with it

Trauma changes the brain, I don't think it matters what type of trauma but it sounds like he's a child that is sensitive. He could be diagnosed as autistic but what's really interesting to me is that you mentioned trauma and then went on to describe someone very much like myself as a child. Empathy has always crippled me, it's like there was no wall between other people's pain and mine, perhaps that's the change they are researching now, how trauma impacts your emotional boundaries or something I don't know. But it's cool to think about i think and I think that we are definitely over diagnosing kids that are just a bit different as ASD or ADHD, I say that from experience because those meds are no joke. It's dangerous to put a kid through withdrawal when they don't understand what it is, they can't control that sort of emotion and I wonder if that's why there is so much violence from these kids sometimes?

He sounds absolutely fine to me, quite delightful in fact.

I never knew 'jumping' was a milestone :-). I cannot ever remember jumping very much.

My son was slightly eccentric when small. He's great.

Don't worry or take any notice of those wanting to add labels to normal children who may be a little different. Your boy is an individual, that's good.

Are you overly anxious OP? My child has severe allergies and v bad eczema & went to nursery the same as any other child. I’ve never heard of a child being kept at home for allergies.

The teacher is in no position to make a diagnosis on ADD and ADHD.

They can say his presentation is similar to children with those diagnosis, or that he shows traits, but saying DEFINITELY was wrong.

Your son comes across like a typical child his age.

@Northcoastmama

You've mentioned your child has been in a hospital setting & has experienced trauma there. You and your husband have been his only carers for more than half his life.

I have a similar experience- a child with a congenital issue from birth - long hospitalisations. She is empathetic, emotionally attuned to others and will compliment me like your son does you. She does better with adults. She has been in intense situations needing a lot of reassurance after painful surgeries or medical interventions. She has been in spaces where difficult things are being talked about in front of her or hard conversations with her consent about her health. It’s hard that she’s experienced a different version of the world.

If anything Id say this is to do with early illness or risk to life and the dynamics will have impacted you, your husband and your child.

He won’t be like your child who doesn’t have health concerns. Please stop comparing them even if only mentally to yourself. No one needs their sibling to be the normal one and them the deviation from the norm.

I don’t really see why you’re concerned & suspect you’re overthinking.
I did giggle at you mentioning he likes dinosaurs but has other interests. He’s a small boy op. I think ‘dinos + other interests’ is pretty much universal!!!!
Id just let him be himself and be as nurturing as you can whilst laying down some boundaries and teaching him independence.

the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD This is extremely unprofessional.

You seem overly anxious that you've done or not done something that would impact his development, have you considered talking to someone about that aspect?

verycloakanddaggers · Today 07:05

the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD This is extremely unprofessional.
........
I agree.

OP, at your son's age children show all sorts of traits. They should not be so easily labelled, that is unfair.

In a year he could be quite different.

Mine too was obsessed with different things at times - so was I and so are many children. Some turn into a lifelong interest, others fall by the wayside. What's more they are all annoying at times and can be overly excited. It's normal.

Enjoy him, he sounds lovely.

OP those early years sound very upsetting but in the context I think you did absolutely the right thing for your child by being his ever-reliable constant. It he sounds like an absolutely wonderful and actually very securely attached little boy! If you’re reading a lot about attachment theory, including a lot of the academic research, you might want to step away as it’s often about very disturbed children, which your son clearly isn’t! I went through a very dark time when I was studying this area as it made me paranoid I’d damaged my children. It’s good to be broadly aware of this stuff but don’t get lost in it. FWIW I worried about random stuff for my older child at this age - eg he didn’t have a ‘best friend’ like lots of the other children. He’s now years older and has loads of friends. Please don’t worry you’ve damaged your child. Some of this will be leftover anxiety from the very upsetting events of the early years. You had to be on high alert for him then and you’re probably maintaining that extra-vigilance now. He sounds absolutely lovely and you sound like a brilliant mum

Our ds now 25 was almost exactly the same and we were a little concerned to be honest! He's grown up to be a lovely, kind thoughtful man. He does present with perfectionism and anxiety but dh is very similar so all we can do is be there for him..
Maybe there is a touch of nd in both of them but there has never been, I felt, need for a lengthy diagnosis. DS also had his obsessions when he was small - lining up.his cars, being distraught when we left him, being more worried for others than himself...it's made him a caring and ovely adult with an amazing partner and lots of lovely friends.
He struggled a bit at university but swapped places and courses after his first year which was the making of him.
I'd advise just being there for your ds and seeing how he grows

Thank you so much for all the messages of reassurance, particularly @Anotherdayanotherpound and others who mentioned in a very kind way that it’s probably more of a me issue. I am hyper vigilant with my son, I had a lot of residual anxiety and trauma from his early years and this probably is impacting my ability to judge properly. I think from reading the responses there are a few which think he may be ND but consensus seems to be normal five year old/ just a bit different/ possibly some trauma from medical interventions. I think based on this feedback I’m going to explore therapy for both of us and try to step away from my own armchair diagnosing. I really appreciate all the replies and everyone’s kindness about my little boy

Does he have ND relatives - many of these things are inheritable.
I remember a friend who had an Asperger's diagnosed DD (in the day) and also had an uncle who sat in the corner of the room and didn't speak (though held down a job etc)

@YouCantProveIt thank you for this and I’m sorry about your daughter, I really hope she is doing well now. I think there is something there about them being more mature in some ways as they have experienced things other children haven’t but more immature in others as they have often been overprotected by parents who understandably have a lot of anxiety

@Daisymay8 no ND relatives but my brother is very similar to him in a lot of ways and my mum is incredibly sensitive in the same way he is, almost too empathetic to others, she has used this to her advantage in a way - she’s a psychologist

Op i think the obsession with neurodiversity has led to losing sight of what quirkiness is !

And I am speaking as the parent of an autistic child..who had to overcome misunderstanding of how it can present so yes I do understand your child might be ND

However. Children are all different. We can say oh that kid is like a mini adult..or he is a funny quirky little lad.

Children and adults dont need to fit in neat boxes. He sounds like he may have classic only child traits of being old for his years.

No doubt your son has been shaped by his difficult early years. It sounds like he is very empathetic, so just keep an eye that he isn’t taking on other people’s problems to his own detriment. Otherwise he sounds lovely & if he’s happy, don’t worry!

You say he is no longer an only, I suspect you are now experiencing having a baby that doesn’t have severe allergies. This is bringing home to you how different life can be if your life isn’t controlled by your medical condition. Also don’t minimise the trauma that you have been through yourself, this will also affect your behaviour & thinking. If his allergies are now less severe, be careful you are not transferring that anxiety to something else. Relax & breathe!

He sounds like a lovely little boy. Very emotionally mature.

An old head on young shoulders.

I think he just sounds like a beautiful sensitive little chap. Nothing to be concerned about I’d say op. Think of the nice gentle adult men you meet. He’ll probably end up being like that.

he doesn’t sound like he has ASD to me, but I’m no expert. My now 2 yo wasn’t meeting a lot of markers at 1 and I knew he was unique and possible ASD. Could jump before walking. Delayed speech. Flapping hands, screaming etc.walking on tip toes.

When you first described him, sounded exactly like my boy. But yours has grown out of it, mine never has. He’s 2 soon to be 3, been like it for as long as I can remember.

i know every single ASD person is different but to me it doesn’t sound like he has any of the nuisances. My LO ticks every box. He sounds like an interesting and clever little boy.