AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

[Northcoastmama]

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

Our autistic DS has been making Christmas lists since August, he loves lists 😂 has a special interest, it's hard to distract him and he's not interested in much other than 3 things.
Sensory issues
Food is fine other than slow when weaning onto food
Sleep is fine
Had no tantrums until 3 (at all, was very passive) then began extreme ones.
Asks for things all the time in shops, gets very attached to things easily
Doesn't flap arms, does tiptoe walk and hop up and down.
At age 9 he's still not settled at school

Your DS could be ND, its impossible to tell online, but it's not striking me as an obvious one, and the medical trauma could explain a lot.

Honestly my son is 6 and this is him ... other than the obsession is trains! He is extremely emotional. Cannot regulate this at all. He is so affectionate and cuddly and can make eye contact. So grown up conversationally but there is something there that makes me think he just is isnt 'normal'. His teachers know this too and acknowledge he 'has his quirks'. But he is just gorgeous. Everyone loves him for him, including his classmates. Dont worry until you need to. Xx
Edited to say my son has son many quirks that his siblings don't have at all but he's just fine and bloody lovely!

He sounds perfectly fine to me. The borderline obsession with xx (in his case, dinosaurs) is really common (hence the availability of so much merch). My DS was completely obsessed with superheroes and wore a costume every single day (often more than one) until he had to wear a school uniform, and even then the would come home and change into his Batman suit. He’s 16 now and would probably still wear one if he thought he could get away with it!

The next stage ND appears is puberty ime.

Running around flapping is an odd response to stress if he isn't ND. Obsession with dinosaurs is an ND trait. Seeking adults is a strong ND trait too.

It's no biggie if he is ND. Why are you focused on it?

He doesn't sound at all like my ND kids, I have one of each ADHD and one ASD and it was being picked up from age 2 in both.
Things do present differently for different people and sometimes not picked up until later but from my experience he doesnt fit the bill for either.
People can be eccentric or quirky without being ND, which is wonderful. And i think there is a rush to try and label people that have differences to the 'norm' as ND.
My kids are quirky, but many of their excentricities are not to do with their
SEND diagnosis, they are personality traits and individual preferences. The ND parts of them are obvious actual issues they have with certain tasks, situations and social interactions.
Your son sounds wonderful, just a unique soul.

I work with 4 yr olds and so many have quirks, and some are completely bonkers but all within the range of normal. One constantly talks to herself in the mirror and has imaginary pets and friends, one follows me around like a puppy making up random questions that he already knows the answer to, just for attention. A few refuse to speak to me but chat to their friends, one tells lies all the time, another blurts out random sentences out of context which make no sense. But 90% of the time they are regular happy kids. Your kid sounds like he just has a few little issues but is fine.

It feel like you’re trying to stick a label on him because of your expectations of what children should be like.

Just enjoy him for who he is. He doesn’t sound ND in the slightest.

He sounds lovely, and happy. Some of the characteristics you've described would be fairly typical of a child who has spent more time with adults, and especially one-on-one with primary caregivers. There are fairly adult references to feelings and emotions, and there some things he's come to late that he might normally have learned from or with other children.

Most children I've known have had an obsession or two at this age - dinosaurs are a quite common one.

Honestly he sounds like a delightful little boy with his own quirks which make him who he is.

He's an empath. Prob NT.

The lead article on TES this week.
medium

Book a private occupational therapy assessment, they can give you a good insight into development.
He could be just a cautious sensitive boy, he sounds lovely.

Sorry not sure that link copied across
https://www.tes.com/magazine/teaching-learning/general/sami-timimi-interview-problems-with-send-diagnosis-adhd-autism?utm_campaign=2146756_20251015%20Tes%20Daily%20-%20Wednesday&utm_medium=email&utm_source=dotdigital&utm_content=2146756_20251015%20Tes%20Daily%20-%20Wednesday&dm_i=5NNY,1A0G4,1PI34D,5XH0F,1

Is there a family history of ND? This is one thing you don’t mention in your posts. If there is then yes it’s possible he is. If there isn’t then it’s much less likely.

Is this some kind of humble brag?

There's fuck all wrong with your kid, what are you on about?

Basically the article says
Sami Timimi: Why ‘invented’ SEND labels are disabling pupilsDiagnostic labels are medicalising young people for behaviours once considered ordinary and are contributing to unsustainable workload in schools, argues psychiatrist Sami Timimi
TES is the Times Educational Supplement. The main source of educational research and pedagogy for teachers.

He sounds perfect to me. A 'normal' 5 year old.

You sound like quite an intense parent but I do get it, as you’ve all had a tough time

There's a fine line between resisting overthinking and just blaming parents for everything.

I have 2 ND children, or if you ask my parents, zero ND children and I'm just a terrible parent, so perhaps you hit a nerve.

Sounds like a HSCA Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) is one who processes sensory input, emotions, and social cues more deeply than most children. The term comes from Dr. Elaine Aron’s research on Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) — a normal, heritable personality trait found in about 15–20% of children.

A highly sensitive child tends to feel things deeply, notice subtle details, and become easily overwhelmed by noise, change, or strong emotions. They’re often very empathetic, thoughtful, and creative but may struggle with overstimulation or criticism. These children thrive best in calm, supportive environments with gentle guidance and plenty of downtime to recharge.

I worked with young children for many years. Crying and failing to settle for a week or more is totally normal for a child who has spent very little time away from his parents. 3 year olds often take some time to settle and nursery staff need to support them and be patient.
Being obsessed with dinosaurs etc is completely normal at 5 especially with boys, who from my observation often have a particular interest.
Your son sounds like he has a lovely kind thoughtful personality,and as long as his school are not concerned about his development I don't think you need to be worried.

Sounds like he's probably highly intelligent and that can appear as 'unusual/abnormal' when comparing to other children of the same age.

Well my kids from teenagers down to the 2 year old twins must be very abnormal because never done Xmas lists, only 1 out of the 7 has ever had bad tantrums our 3 year old can ride a bike never had stabilisers yet the 5 Yr old still struggles, hey all say please,thank you, love you mummy,your the best etc etc because I assume they are surrounded by a lot of love and very communicative parents. Our 4 year old can read by himself and astounded the nursery teacher and one of the twins is not going to be far behind she loves words and books but her sister prefers drawings...All kids are different and nothing says yours isn't doing great to. Oh and 2 of my boys will cuddle all day while the other 2 aren't so bothered. All different don't worry sounds like yours is a wonderful little lad and you're doing a great job

Normal is a perfectly good, descriptive word. It means pertaining to the norm - ie like most other people. Your child shows very few abnormal traits and I would be surprised if he tested as atypical in any assessment.
Stop worrying and enjoy your child.

Do you have any reason to think he might be unusually bright? I say this as a parent of a gifted child - DD always seemed unusual but didn't tick any neurodiverse boxes really consistently. We had a neuropsych evaluation because she was having some problems at preschool and they agreed she didn't have any behavioral disorders like autisum, ADHD etc but strongly urged us to get her tested for giftedness. She tested as highly gifted and has a lot of similar characteristics to your son that are very common in gifted kids.

We didn't really know different because she was also our first but her language skills were off the charts - like we could converse with her at 18 months. She also was interested in subject matter way beyond her years - she really loved listening to the Laura Ingalls Wilder books when she was barely 4, she was very interested in science and would ask to experiments and had a genuine grasp on concepts way beyond what you would expect of her age.

You get a lot of shade from people if you say your kid is gifted, especially from people who have kids who are regular-level bright; the gap between the 90th percentile and upwards of 99.5 is very significant. I think unless you have actually tried to parent a kid like this, it's easy to write it off as them just being bright. It is a significant neuro difference - a psychologist put it to me that a kid with an IQ of 150 is the same standard deviation from the mean as a kid with an IQ of 50. No one thinks the kid with an IQ of 50 doesn't have significantly different needs from a kid at the mean!

All that to say, worth reading up on common traits in gifted kids to see if that feels like it fits and maybe would answer why something feels off to you.