AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

[Northcoastmama]

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

Nothing you have said sounds concerning at all. We all have differences and that's what makes us interesting.

If there's not a problem, then there's not a problem.

Nothing will be diagnosed unless there is evidence of impairment. It's totally possible to be quirky or have traits associated with neurodivergent conditions without there actually being any diagnosis there.

Sounds like he's doing great and you are also doing great so I don't see that gaining information would help you support him - you're already supporting him perfectly well!

Just keep loving him as you always have. I would recommend the book "The Gardener and the Carpenter".

This. ^

@Cloudyberries it was incredibly unprofessional and upsetting as we had never left him so it was hard enough without feeling that he was immediately seen as a problem to her. We did complain but in her defence she owned her mistake and was nothing but wonderful with him for the rest of the year

Thank you @BertieBotts for such a kind message and I will have a look for the book. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses, it’s made me feel a bit silly but he had such a hard start with his allergies and he is so different to the boisterous little boys in his class, I just want him to be happy

I have an ASD DC and we didn't suspect it and actually only got the diagnosis when exploring sensory issues with CAMHS. Do you have any particular issues with your DC? At the moment it is a few specific struggles for us and low demand parenting is working well. If there is a particular issue then nothing wrong with exploring parenting approaches that are effective for ND children but from your post I can't see that there is anything actually causing him (or you) any problems in his day to day life

Of course you haven't broken him. You did what was best at the time. He has grown up in quite a unique situation, most children are left with other people before 3. That period of adjusting to being cared for by others, and accepting other people around is going to take time.

I think you need to relax and appreciate him for who he is, not expecting him to be a boisterous boy.

He sounds quite typical to me, nothing you've described would have me worrying at all.

Is he generally a happy little boy?

One of the worst modern features of parenting is this worry that their kids are 'normal' and are almost looking for labels for their behaviours. The whole system (while not perfect) is designed to pick things up as kids go through it.

Worrying about how 'normal' they are can be so damaging.

He sounds a lot like our eldest DC (now 9). He was also an only until he was 5. He's a great kid and we have no concerns - and he continues to be a lively, kind and sensitive boy who is thriving. Honestly I wouldn't worry.

Hmmm.... well I have just been diagnosed with ADHD and I didn't recognize the diagnostic criteria in myself. I found an online screener questionnaire and the results of that pointed strongly to ADHD. My psychiatrist said it was "very obvious" to her that I had it. I can see it now though.

My DC2 has dyslexia, autism and ADHD - all diagnosed after completing A-Levels, between the ages of 18 and 20. DC2 seemed perfectly normal in primary school. From about the age of 12 onwards, they started having a lot of trouble with anxiety. It was really bad in the 6th form.

DC2 was a B student at school. Now with the diagnoses, ADHD medication and a few strategies, they are hitting a 1st in uni.

There are some other common signs you can look for OP. For example a lot of ND people are hypermobile. This is not part of the diagnostic criiteria and you can be hypermobile without being ND. Other things of this ilk are poor coordination, bad handwriting, allergies, gastrointestinal issues (eg. Constipation), picky eater, very sensitive to loud noises, loves certain textures.

Keep a close eye. It's a serious disadvantage to go all through school without an ND diagnosis if you are ND. Make life much more difficult.

@Mandylovescandy i can’t actually think of any issues day to day no. I think it’s more me comparing so if the other boys are running around and shouting and he’s sat with a book or playing houses with the girls. Or turning off the tv at a certain part of an episode because someone is upset and he feels really sad for them. It all sounds a bit silly now I suppose, he just seems really different to his peers

My son is 9.
. He is very like your son. I say he’s lived on this planet before. He’s so clever, bright, holds very complex conversations and also has niche likes such as archeology and Greek gods. He also plays sports, and plays out in the street with his friends!

I think there is a major problem with people trying to diagnose or worry when their child doesn’t fit the “norm” not every one has to be the same the world would be a boring place if it was. Just because your child doesn’t behave they the way the world believes is right doesn’t mean anything. He might just be quirky and that’s ok

He sounds great OP. If he is getting on well in school, making friends, behaving well, just leave him find his way.
The teacher who said "he definitely had ASD and ADHD" sounds unprofessional. It takes ages for psychological professionals to make a firm diagnosis, not just a snapshot in a. classroom.
I don't see an issue with the word 'normal' neither.

@Peridoteage when he’s not feeling sad for fictitious characters in books or the tv he’s very happy and outgoing yes

I really understand and appreciate people saying don’t go looking for a label and that’s absolutely not what I’m doing but on the flip side you have people who say they weren’t diagnosed and then they really struggled.
I think I’ve probably just read too much into his being different to the other boys and seeming so sensitive. It’s really not coming from a place of wanting to label him with anything but just wanting to protect him I guess

Sounds like a little gent.

How old is he now?

Why do you think a child would spontaneously write a Christmas list or birthday present list? That behaviour is taught to them, it's not in their DNA.

You could teach a 3 year old to write a letter to the Easter bunny and they would.

All kids are unique but some are just a rarer breed. Usually those kids are gems and their differences should be celebrated and not worry about conforming to an imaginary "normal".

Just try and remember that we are trying to raise a good adult, not a good child. The child bit is temporary and passing. So don't try and get your child to be like other children, because children are generally twats.

I recognise my own DS in a lot of what you say - he’s now 6 and I’m pretty confident, as are his teachers, that he’s NT. There are some red flags that my DS has that yours doesn’t (and vice versa!) but my DS is absolutely thriving at school and seems extremely happy with life and so, even if there are some ND traits there, they’re not impacting him so that a diagnosis would be of any benefit. We just support his interests/obsessions, try to ensure he has opportunities to work on social skills which are a bit weaker and just have a great time with him. I will also add that I was worried about jumping/hopping etc but as time as time on, I think he just takes after me and is not at all sporty so can’t be bothered!

@Naanspiration this did make me laugh. I have another little boy who despite only being one already conforms to every boy and child stereotype with tantrums and trucks galore. This probably has made me more aware of how different our eldest (he’s five) is but you are right he is special and very polite and kind, just very different but going off these replies that’s something I should probably stop worrying about

Having read the detailed ASD diagnostic criteria, there is one important factor often overlooked when there are concerns about ND; trauma can present with similar symptoms, so ASD shouldn't be diagnosed in people where there is known trauma.

Intending this to be reassuring rather than a criticism, noone puts a child through medical intervention without good cause

You could ask about seeing a pyschologist (rule in / out) or wait and see.

Sounds perfectly normal to me, as a step parent and grandmother ( oldest grandchild coming 20 youngest is 4 so seen and gone through a lot )

We could perhaps say that DGS ( 19 ) is ND, or we could say - was it really a great Idea to give him a Nintendo aged 4 ( not us - his mother ) and now wonder why hes always locked away in his room attached to his X box and only converses with complete strangers online?

We could say DGD ( 12) IS ND because she's very picky with foods, or we could say she was fine until step dad came along who she's very attached too, who is a fussy eater and now the foods that she loved are now off the menu because she's following "daddy"

We could say the youngest - 4 - is also ND, because he at this moment in time is totaly obsessed with trucks ( the 12 YO was dinos that his age and the eldest Thomas the tank )

Kids are Kids, they are learning. Ive a step daughter and son. She is the eldest and the youngest followed her lead. Only she's a natural left hander, hes right handed, and he was making a right hash of eating and writing while she was the one person he trusted in his life . She was the leader, he the follower - until he decided to spread his wings - now he flies the world in BC, had three homes in Australia - including a riverside apartment in Sydney over looking the opera house and could buy and sell us

@Wowwee1234 this is what his paediatric team said. He has had so many horrific interventions after anaphylactic reactions and was often held down for bloods and cannulas while he screamed. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do. He was also only ever with me until he started pre pre because his reactions were so unpredictable and we did not feel safe with him in nursery settings which were not able to ban his allergens from the premises. I feel these experiences must have left their mark on him

@Northcoastmama things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad

Sorry... having empathy and compassion is considered ND now?

He sounds like a nice child.

I think you should trust your gut, you know your son and if you feel that he would benefit from assessment then I would pursue it. At least then you will know either way. The waiting lists are usually very long so by the time you get to the top of the list your son will be older and if there is something then these things tend to become more obvious as they get older. If there are ultimately no issues then you've lost nothing.

He sounds lovely OP. My youngest is similar in some ways. Very empathetic. He says things you wouldn't expect a 5 year old to say. He likes a lot of the gentler, quieter activities. He is very appreciative of the things people do for him and is vocal about it. Stuff that other kids would take for granted. It is so sweet and I wouldn't change him for the world. He is a little ray of sunshine.
Just enjoy him while he's young and stop worrying.