AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

[Northcoastmama]

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

He sounds fine to me. A great little chap!

A mixture of traits like all children - and indeed adults.

Please don’t use the terms normal and abnormal. It’s highly offensive and you know about NT and ND so there is no need.

For now I would just be aware and keep and note of any concerns. It’s after the jump to year 1 when concerns often increase or more ‘behaviours’ can be observed.

Kids only make Christmas and birthday lists if you ask them. At 11 I have to badger!

He just sounds totally…normal…

How old is he now @Northcoastmama ?

@Anditstartedagain im really sorry I don’t mean to offend at all. When I refer to normal in my post I don’t mean regarding whether he is NT or not more could it be something else like trauma or another type of condition if that makes sense

@Norry he is five and in reception

Other than showing a lot of empathy your description would have fitted my DS17 at that age - he does not have ASD or ADHD.

Ooh mine have never really asked for much for Xmas etc. I have just been grateful of this so far!

He sounds like a really smart lovely little boy. I dont think you need to be worried about him

NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

Plenty of ND children don’t have any of these traits either.

He’s at school so ask the SENCO to observe and see their view. He sounds as if he could be progressing as expected for a NT child of his age. However, if not the SENCO can monitor and discuss with you if they do have concerns.

He sounds like my son- Im guessing he is an only child! I now have another and can see how that had changed him slightly but I also see how he is so much like my brother- a lovely, kind sensitive soul!! He is completely ‘normal’- he is a reflection of his upbringing- he sounds happy and content and gorgeous! Dont panic! Soon he will be a grumpy teenager and you will long for that sweet little boy again lol x

Back to your actual point though. He’s still very little and as long as he’s happy then why not just wait and see how things pan out. If he’s ND then it should become more obvious with time.

Wouldn't surprise me if it was attachment related if he literally wasn't away from you for 3 years.

He is just sensitive but clearly NT

@amber763 thank you, we think so but we are biased

He might be unusual, but it doesn’t read as though he fits a diagnostic standard.

@Becausemymumtoldmeso he was an only for almost four years and I did wonder if this might play a part, thank you for the reassurance ❤️

@Hercisback1 this is what worries me tbh. Have we damaged him and can we fix it. Is if something he would grow out of or would he maybe need therapy or some sort

It's not offensive - normal is a term referring to standard expectations. If it did not exist no-one would know if their child had a problem because everything would be normal. And there are plenty of deviations from the norm other than neurodiversity - physical, psychological, endocrine etc. There is no need to assume that neurodiversity is the issue here.

If he is functioning well at home and school it really doesn't matter. He doesn't need a label. And he doesn't necessarily fit one either. I have a family member who is ND in the sense they are 'different'. Probably on the ASD spectrum. Other than the fact they are aware they are not like the majority, they manage life very well, so who cares?

@HoppityBun he does just seem quite unusual to us compared to his peers but as you say doesn’t seem to fit a criteria for any condition. I just want to make sure as far as I can that it’s just his personality and there are no underlying issues that we should be supporting with

@Onelifeonly yes we absolutely don’t care we just want the best for him but I don’t want to miss anything and feel like I’ve let him down

Abnormal means 'deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable or worrying'. So to suggest that ND people are not normal IS offensive, because of the negative connotations of the word abnormal.

Ok thanks. Sorry if I missed that in your OP.

He sounds like a bright and thoughtful little boy. Maybe he has learned that compliments are well received and get positive attention, e.g. Granny you're kind.

It's ok if he's not a typical silly, boisterous 5 year old. Not everyone is going to be the same and it sounds like he has a lot of strengths x

"the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD"

This would be a massively unprofessional thing for her to say. Plus teachers are not qualified to diagnose so however convinced she was, she should not be presenting her opinion as fact.

Screening tests are just that - no autistic person hits every indicator. So the fact he sleeps well is not evidence of being NT. But if you've looked at screenings and his scores are not coming out as concerning then I wouldn't worry.