AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

yeah I enjoy spoiling people that I care about. I guess it’s my love language

Exactly.... but if you spoil people all the time they can become...spoilt.

Maybe mum does not really want her dc spoilt! I had a kindly neighbour who was always offering my dc sweets. Once or twice its nice, but too much of a good thing can have a bad effect on children.

I would have suggested it to your partner (as I’m sure you did) before you started giving them the same pocket money as your kids, but I would have asked him to check his ex was ok with it first. You didn’t say whether you all live together, and I think that’s an important aspect. I can understand you not wanting his kids to feel hard done by if you all share a house (although you still should have got your partner to check with her) but if you don’t live with them then it might feel from her perspective more of an ostentatious gesture and if she also earns a lot less than you (you didn’t say) she might already have feelings about not being able to give them as much as she’d like. That being said, I would want a partner who had kids to take an active role in making sure that me and his ex knew each other’s boundaries and your question was silent on that point. It’s a lovely thing for you to do, but I can understand her sensitivity (and I agree it’s a lot of money for a 10 year
old) and the only person in the situation who knows you both well is your partner. So in summary, it’s tricky to say whether or not you’re being unreasonable without knowing his role. From the gut, though, I wouldn’t be thrilled to find out my partner’s new partner was giving my kids pocket money and I hadn’t been consulted about it beforehand.

They’re just not spoilt though! They are lovely, kind kids. All 4 of them. I would address it if they started to behave entitled or spoilt

I think your stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you reduced your boys pocket money they would resent the girls, if you gave the girls less than your boys, they would feel resentful, particularly now they are used to having it. It's very kind of you to treat all the children the same. I think if you had mentioned the access arrangements in your op, you wouldn't have received as much stick as you have. Imo the girls are old enough for dp to explain to them that their dm is worried about how much pocket money they have, and he would like them to save half, they will still be getting the same as your boys. You have to respect mums feelings even if you don't agree with them, but a happy balance at home takes precedence in my opinion.

They’re just not spoilt though! They are lovely, kind kids. All 4 of them. I would address it if they started to behave entitled or spoilt

Thats your perspective. She is their mum, and she may not want them having flashy amounts of cash. She's perfectly entitled to prefer a more modest lifestyle for them that teaches them to value money & not expect it to grow on trees be handed out willy nilly in large sums every week

I suppose it depends on your income. If it’s something you can afford why not. If you work hard and it gives you joy go for it. Each to their own.

Personally if you were my children step parent I would appreciate you treating them as your own. So many step parent bashing threads.

However you maybe should have discussed with mum and dad that this was ok. Being open and honest. Sometimes communication goes a long way.

Modest lifestyle? She’s a drug addict!!

The ‘addict ex’ was a major drip feed and I’d say, based on this, these kids have clearly been through an immense amount. If I was their dad’s ’just introduced to them’ girlfriend I’d be treading extremely lightly so as not to put them in a conflicting or temporary situation again. I’d likely not be posting on Mumsnet about their mother, her addiction and arguing with people about the pocket money situation and telling people they’re just jealous about my money situation. Maybe that’s just me though.

Me and their dad discussed it .. he was ok with it. He might not have any spare cash but he does so much for me and add so much value to my life that I’m happy to treat his daughters this way

You. You said he can’t afford to give his own kids pocket money, therefore you are funding him to the tune of £40 a week. You are providing something for his kids that he can’t afford. If he could afford it, would you also be giving them £20 a week each? No.

Please, for how many of the 16 weeks that you have known them have you been giving them money?

I appreciate that what you are doing could be coming from a place of kindness. But ultimately I would have waited until you properly blended families and finances so that there wasn’t this huge discrepancy in income between the two of you and pocket money came from you both as a parental unit. If you don’t have any intention of doing that then I don’t think you should be providing for his kids in this way.

As an aside, my early teen DC get £5 a week basic pocket money and can earn more for chores. That way they always have some spends but they are learning to work for money at the same time.

The thread is anonymised. This is what Mumsnet chat is for, no?

And I’m happy to do so.

It’s definitely not just you.

The girls’ mother is threatened by your generosity. I’d buy them decent Christmas and birthday gifts instead, and slip them the odd fiver/tenner now and again

You sound great! 💐

It’s not the anonymity, it’s the intention. You know, you put in your OP that you’re ’genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not.’ But you sound very sure of yourself in every reply. Genuinely wish the best of luck to you and those girls.

I wouldn't want a stranger giving my child £20 a week to fritter away. That's a ridiculous amount of pocket money at their age and they don't even know you. So strange.

Because no one has really said anything that’s made me think i’m doing anything wrong. I don’t use Mumsnet often and I wasn’t aware of the blatant stepmum hatred! Thanks to all
of the people who can see that I’m just trying to be kind to these girls. Their mum chooses gear over them and while I don’t blame the mum for her addiction- the end result is the same and if I can treat these girls then why the hell not. As one of the other posters have said- mum can have a say when she chooses the girls over drugs.

I wouldn’t want a stranger giving my kids money either. A brilliant point, very well made.

There’s lots of stepmums on here but honestly, you’re just their dad’s new girlfriend at this point. You are in a very complex situation and it’s going to be hard to be involved in their lives when they presumably have been through trauma. Even without the trauma, you are very, very new within their lives.

Obviously, I hope it works out well for you all. Perhaps if you’re really set on this, you could give their dad the money to give to them. Kindness doesn’t have to mean money, it can just be being a reliable presence in their lives.

£20 is a lot for their age
She can’t give them that so she’s jealous
Can’t you see why that might piss get off?!

Course I can! She gets pissed off about a lot of things though- does that mean I have to do what she says every time she gets pissed off? She was pissed off that her daughter has gone vegan and we are supporting her and providing vegan food, she was pissed off because we called the police when we found bag remnants between the pages of a book her daughter brought to my house.

While it’s admirable you’ve got clean, it’s a bit concerning that he’s gone from being with an addict and presumably seeing the damage they cause to their nearest and dearest (in his case two vulnerable children who have had a very confusing few years due to their mum being an addict, moving in with him full time etc) to being with an ex addict.

It doesn’t seem like a very wise decision due to the risk of relapse - I’m not saying in any way that I think you’ll be one of the ex addicts who returns to drugs at some point but due to the relapse rate being high, you’d think after everything his kids have been through with their mum he would have been extra cautious, even more so than most people.

I really hope you can all keep things calm now for a good long while and not introduce any more big changes like moving in together for a few years. They deserve to have a calm, stable home with their dad so he can fully focus on them (as their mum hasn’t done so) rather than having to also adjust to being part of a blended family when they’ve finally settled down as a three with their dad.

My addiction was over 20 years ago - I can’t imagine anything worse than using again. I mentioned it as I empathise with her. She’s well into her 40s and only started using a few years ago. It’s really sad

Mumsnet hates step parents or anyone in that role OP. The replies on this thread are a joke .

Any idea why she starting taking drugs?