AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

Oh wow, sorry, I can she has them every other weekend. Yes, that’s a tad different but perhaps still good practice to discuss.

OP, just let people be. As a child who lived with a step mum for the most significant years of my life and let's not just talk about it.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness, step mums often get the bad rep anyways. No matter what you do or do not do😹
So just move on.
But I do not think you're been unreasonable, you did well. You gave according to your capacity, what is peanuts to you is "a taboo" to some people.
Discuss with their dad, then discuss with the mum.

As long as you're sure in your mind that you're not trying to curry favour.
And what's wrong with trying to be likable? Especially with children you'll eventually live with. What's the evil in it? You should come mean and act like a witch? So they can know you're real?

You cannot please people. So

My boyfriend already thinks I’m
a catch.

You’re not their step mum and you’ve known them for four months. You’re teaching all your kids terrible boundaries by acting like this regardless of what you hope the future holds

It’s wrong because teaching children about money is a parental decision and you are not theirs. Some people choose to give a smaller amount as pocket money than you. It’s not necessarily because they earn less than you. If a girlfriend of your ex gave your 10 year old £50 a week would you condone it?

You just met your BF 18 months ago.

You just met his kids 4 months ago. His kids are not your step kids. You barely know them.

You're starting conflict with their mom over giving them money without even running it by her first or even telling her. Why did your BF not approach her about this and let it go on in secret? Now it looks like you're doing things behind the mother's back after 4 months. And you may not think so, but it does look like you're trying to buy their affection.

Back off.

it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest!

Hmmm ok then

Of course he does, you fund his children and possibly him.

You denigrate their mother, (and is
his take on it actually accurate), and are trying to buy their love to overtake her. It's not a good look.

Because it's a ridiculous amount of money for that age group. It doesn't teach them the value of money, especially if they fritter it away on Roblox.

Denigrate? Explain.

Why do you think I fund him? Who told you that?

Dad's wishes and opinions as primary parent should take priority. But this post suggests you think yours should come second and their actual mum's third.
'Other than not abiding by the mums wishes' is a big other than. She doesn't sound like a great parent but she is their parent and you are someone who's known them for 4 months.

The problem on here is that posters tend to identify with one particular character in a given narrative and then can’t see any other PoV.

For some reason everyone is identifying with the coke addict ex who prioritises her dependency over her kids (as long as any parent is using that is what they are doing) - and is not the resident parent.

But if posters put themselves in the position of being the DP with a couple of kids and a wealthy partner who believes that the children should be treated equally - they may take a different perspective.

It can be very hard when an ex spouse moves on with someone who is wealthy - if’s not only painful to see children with someone else, but also being treated to things they would like to do themselves with their kids but can’t afford it. But that doesn’t mean anyone is doing anything wrong.

What next a ban on taking the girls on holiday with them on the basis that mum couldn’t afford to?

If mum doesn’t like it she can get off Charlie and take more responsibility for her kids.

Well you're calling her a cokehead, do you have evidence? And you are funding the pocket money he can't give so yes, you are funding him. And probably to trips out etc, although you haven't said that.

In that case, it's undermining her. Not only this, but it's creating a clear divide between the children's two homes. This makes it distasteful, as well as ridiculous in terms of the amount.

You know. I actually feel sorry for the mum. A former addict myself , I know how hard it is too come off the stuff. I believe she loved the girls but she’s just stuck in addiction - it’s sad. She’s not a bad person she’s just in a bad place

£20 a week is a lot, especially for a ten year old.

The problem with it is that it can make young people lose sight of the value of money, if they constantly have access to a lot of cash. They can get quite spoiled, never have to accept not having something they want. It can lead some teens to an attitude of entitlement to a rather affluent lifestyle.

Actually, you did. You literally said that he can't afford to give his kids pocket money.

Yep. Lots of evidence.

That’s not funding him. He pays his way. He’s a great dad and partner.

Christ! You sound like my kids, with your constant cry of Why?? 😩

Of course it is funding him! He doesn't have to give his kids pocket money because you do it for him!

Yeah, but WHHHHYYYYYY?

Dsd’s mum never complained about anything I did for, or with dsd. I was quite young when I became her stepmother (more than 30 years ago) and we did a lot of fun things together and not having children yet myself, a lot of my spare money was spent on her. Looking back, I'm sure there were times when her mum could have seen me far enough but although we weren’t really each others sort of person, I have the utmost respect for her willingness to put her DD first and realise that my great relationship with her dd didn’t take anything away from her.

Perhaps their dad could open an account for them to put the money in and they could just have £5 or so to spend each week and ask their dad if they want to use more. You sound like you will be a lovely step mum to the girls. It’s not an easy role. My dsd was a wiiillld teenager but she is a lovely responsible adult and mother to my little grandson. I’m sure it will all work out fine.