AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

I wouldn’t have a problem with this. I would feel worse if my DCs came home and told me that the other kids were getting money and none were given to my DCs. So I think it’s a kind gesture. Maybe lower it to 10 a week. Or maybe treat them to something every week that’s around 10-20.

It seems there’s a lot more going on here in these kids lives than just pocket money. Hopefully this situation remains stable for them.

maybe just say it come from dad. Since you’re doing it as you’re a couple then it might as well be from him.

It’s completely healthy to ‘treat them differently’ from your own children when you’ve only been in their lives for a few months.

It’s unhealthy to act as if they are your step children already when they are your boyfriend’s kids.

You keep asking ‘why’. Because you aren’t yet their step mum, you haven’t built up a healthy and sensible dynamic with them yet so it’s an overstep to be giving them a large amount of pocket money (something that parents do) as it feels like you’re trying to force the dynamic with them or make everyone feel as if you’re more involved than you actually are or need to be.

Think of things like parents evenings - would you go to those with them with your partner? Of course not (presumably) because you aren’t yet in a step parent role so it would be an overstep and inappropriate.

It feels as if you’re desperate to make the relationship seem more long term than it is so far. It’s only been 18 months. 4 since they’ve been involved.

Chill! Respect their mum’s wishes and if dozens of people all say that they instinctively feel you’ve overstepped, consider whether they may have a point instead of being defensive.

Came here to say this! If the relationship works out long term, OP would be savaged for not treating them the same.

You’re not all living together already surely? And not planning to do so any time soon?

Not yet but I do want that eventually

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, bu I can see why mum is threatened by this. If you stop now I'm not sure how you'd do it without making her look like the bad guy.
What does dad think? I'd say it's his call really as it's their contact time with him.

They don’t get anything from their mum. Dad pays for everything- he can’t afford to give them regular pocket money

I'm just not even indulging that with a response.

Especially as you haven't reflected on the main feedback.

Possibly it’d be nice to give them ways to spend this money, for example a monthly shopping trip. Encourage them to save for bigger items and stick some in long term savings. Good budgeting experience.

TBH if this was a dad who was addicted to drugs, paid no maintenance he wouldn’t be entitled to an opinion. Maybe give it to the Dad so it technically comes from him?

I think it's both creepy and kind of pathetic tbh

want to expand on that a bit?

This seems quite important. EOW parents have a bit of cheek laying down the law.

But they are her DP's children. So, their non-custodial mother gets more of a say than the custodial father in your book?

Imagine if the genders were reversed here!

Buying kids affection with money is both those things.

Genuinely don’t understand why people are being pissy. If you was spending time with them and your kids were spending their pocket money or you were spending your hard earned money on your own kids and ignoring his then people would be annoyed about that.

You asked their parent if it was ok and he said yes, I don’t know why you’d need to speak to the birth giver too.

It’s just jealousy because she’s choosing to not spend her money on her children.

good luck, you sound great and a good role model for the girls.

I don’t think it’s too much… my 12yr old gets £30+ as he she pays for travel and lunch when out with friends and a subway can cost up to £12. You are not trying to buy their love but you are being fair.
Mum is upset and maybe a little jealous that your money was used for the gift.
I think it’s best to stop though as it will just cause issues. Christmas will be a challenge so get Dad to pre arrange what is being purchased in your household and only buy what Mum agrees, same for birthdays.
The people can’t tell you why is outrageous or why they would be livid because they are don’t like anyone with saving goals or disposable income!

Are you not also doing it to proof to your boyfriend that you’re a catch?
If my partner gave my DD £20 a week I’d think it’s odd and OTT. He buys her a bar of chocolate every now and again and she’s more than pleased with that.

It's a bit early to be declaring that you're a family, and while I get that you want to be fair, just slow it down a touch.

If you end up moving in together then that would be the time to think about making sure the children are treated equally in terms of pocket money etc.

While their mum may have challenges she is still their mum, and her feelings shouldn't be discounted.

For me it’s not the amount, it’s the decision / discussion around pocket money that should have happened in the first instance. Perhaps you could apologise saying you hadn’t thought about it since you give your own children money and ask her if she would have a chat about it with their dad. Money management is such an important life skill.

I cannot understand the replies on here. The girls live with their dad. Their mum is on drugs and contributes nothing financially and barely anything practically. Op treats them to £20 per week, as she does her own two, and from that these lovely girls living in a shitty situation are learning to spend some, save enough to buy their mum a decent present, and donate to charity.

They are learning financial responsibility. Op can do it without stretching herself and is fine with it. These girls might just break the cycle. People should wind their necks in.

Yeah but… i’m not doing that?

If the father genuinely believes his children should have £20 a week pocket money he should be making this payment himself, and committing to it for the long term, not relying on a girlfriend - with whom he neither lives nor shares finances- to do so. I would also expect him to notify their mother of this (all parents need to know about their kids’ financial position) and to consider seriously any concerns she expressed about him paying pocket money at this unusually high level.

OP is intrusive, disrespectful, and her comments about bring a ‘happy family’ after 4 months are frankly weird. I don’t think this bodes well for her influence in this man’s family.

And as for the comments about jealousy! Just nutty.