WIBTA if I refuse to cater for my ‘vegan’ MIL?

[Veganornotvegan]

My MIL recently announced that she is vegan. Great. Love that for her.

This obviously came with a request that whenever we cater for her (think Sunday lunch, dinner parties, events, etc.) we cater for her as a vegan. All good so far.

However, she says she’s vegan, but she’s not. Two recent examples when we’ve been out for dinner, she ordered a vegan chilli, but with a side of dairy sour cream (“to make it less spicy”), or a vegan roast dinner, with a side of normal Yorkshire puddings (because “there’s no vegan alternative”).

We are hosting a typical 3 / (4 with cheese course) course Christmas dinner for 14 adults and 4 children, no one else has any dietary restrictions or requirements, and my MIL wants me to make a separate vegan version of everything just for her (no duck fat potatoes, no honey roast parsnips, no meat dripping gravy, etc). WIBTA if I said no / she needs to bring her own?

@SprayWhiteDung

yes plenty of people do. Unnecessary calories are unnecessary calories. Not everyone wants to binge on Christmas Day and take in ten thousand calories!

Yes this MIL is probably going to load up her plate with pigs in blankets anyway. I wouldn't go to any extra effort other than a vegan microwave meal.

This obviously came with a request that whenever we cater for her (think Sunday lunch, dinner parties, events, etc.) we cater for her as a vegan. All good so far

I love that you've clarified what catering means. We wouldn't have known otherwise.

I go all out at Christmas with 3 meats, 2 stuffings, 8 veg sides, multiple starters and puddings, homemade centrepieces etc. I also do a vegan option for my Dad and separate sides. It all gets prepped on the 24th and I borrow an air fryer from him to avoid cross-contamination of a couple of things. It's very little extra work to peel some veg in readiness and make some microwaveable gravy on the day.

You'll manage fine and it's part of playing host.

How does it harm you to eat a meal that doesn't contain any animal products? It's just food. Plenty of us who do eat meat try not to have too much of it for health reasons.

Fair enough for them, then - but presumably they'll be acutely aware of it anyway and not need reminding by people who take a more relaxed approach.

For many of us, it's about balance: the same as it'd be absolutely mad and almost certainly unsustainable if you paid mortgage/rent for a house and left it empty for the whole year whilst you lived somewhere else; BUT doing that for a week or two a year for a holiday is well within the spread-out annual budget for most people.

The articles I've seen always take every conceivable option of calorific food and drink that people as a whole often consume on Christmas Day and then assume that everybody will be having every single one of those options, which of course people couldn't usually physically do, even if they wanted to.

I dare say M&S now does a vegan ready-meal Christmas dinner. Thats what I’d be looking for. A trad Christmas dinner is quite enough faff without having to prep all sorts separately.

Because you presumably love your dad and respect his choices and want him to enjoy his food. The responses on this thread will be influenced in no small part by the fact the person wanting vegan food is a MiL. If OP had substituted DD for MIL, I'm sure there would have been more advice on (obvious and easy) ways to accommodate her, and less petty PA suggestions on how to thwart her. Vegans get people worked up for sure. But a vegan MiL is a red rag to a lot of bulls.

We tend to 'take the path of least harm' as much as is possible. We probably stand on insects while walking down the street..we might buy something that has an animal material in it. But if we have a practicable choice, we would choose not to. E.g with the car example, if there was one car with leather seats one without, Id take the latter but if I were skint and someone offered me their second hand car with leather seats and I needed a car to get to work, I would take it as the choice is removed and it would be of too much detriment to not take the car, I'd not be able to afford to feed myself plus I rescue and help with rehousing animals and I cant do that without a car.

Nobody is saying that it will harm anybody to not have meat, but it's a very standard part of what many omnivores enjoy as part of a balanced meal.

You could take it the other way when people on here are saying to specifically use olive oil instead of animal fat, and not to mix the sprouts in with bacon, so they aren't off-limits to a vegetarian/vegan guest and widen their options: they won't be harmed if they can't have any of the roast potatoes or sprouts, it won't kill them to go without potatoes or certain veg for just one meal etc.

I don't drink alcohol and can't really see the sense of it personally, but I wouldn't organise an evening event where most of the people attending would traditionally expect to enjoy some alcohol along with their meal, and deliberately choose a place/mechanism whereby no alcohol was available - saying "Well it won't harm you to go without alcohol, will it?"

Similar conversation (well, similar may be a stretch...) I had with someone yesterday. Dh was already vegetarian when we bought both our cars (a few years apart) and we chose non-leather seats on purpose. The dealers were surprised by that.

When his dad died we inherited a case containing Victorian era taxidermied birds. We sold it and sent the money to the RPSB. As for the friend I was speaking with yesterday, she is vegetarian and has inherited a number of vintage mink coats from her mother. She was all for destroying them- but we persuaded her that this was not going to give the animals back their pelts so maybe sell and donate the money.

So there are some things that are currently unavoidable- animal products in cars. trains. buses etc. But minimising harm is an important principle. You can't be 'perfect' all the time. But you can do your best.

In terms of food- well, DH is vegetarian of many years. i am a recent vegetarian. Ds1 has anaphylactic allergies. Catering to all is my normal- but that said I have never catered for 14 people over Christmas with all the additional time, money and stress that brings!!

When one of my teens was briefly vegan, they were more concerned with the trimmings than the meat substitute! So I prepped and froze non goose fat roast potatoes(I added a smear of marmite in the oil to make them tastier), in a foil tray, some vegan pigs in blankets, stuffing balls, and some Yorkshires made with almond milk. Then you serve everything everyone else is eating, bar the meat, and some instant gravy(just checked ours in the cupboard, labelled BEEF and even that is vegan).
Admittedly this is easier if you have lots of oven space and an air fryer.

You can use vegetable oxo granules for the gravy. Do you have an air fryer so you can cook her veg in that with olive oil?

I’d also buy a vegan dessert so you don’t have to make one.

I think it can work if you keep it simple.

The “use olive oil not duck fat” etc advice is also to minimise work/oven space for OP. She has quite a high number of sides with meat/dairy in, so it’s not the case that the carrots are fine for vegans, just skip the sprouts etc.

I grew up with a Bestie allergic to milk and eggs and I have a vegetarian SIL. I usually buy a vegan thing or I've also done a mushroom with a topping. It sounds evil but the secret is to pre-cook their food and then microwave it. So roast potatoes, carrots and parsnips in olive oil in the oven whenever and then microwave them before serving. The vegan thing usually doesn't require gravy as it's in a sauce or something.

Do melon with ham for a starter or a soup.
For pudding, you can sometimes get vegan individual Christmas puddings. Or buy sorbet.

I mentioned the Yorkshire puddings only because the OP mentioned them. Your quite right shop bought Yorkshires are not dripping in animal fat as a rule but you can get them. But some restaurants they are. Which was also my impression when op said that they were the only option available.

Just because you dislike Yorkshire puddings on your Christmas dinner its a little presumptuous that others don't like it because "you" don't.

Yorkshire puddings in beef dripping are getting more and more popular and, imho, are much tastier than standard ones, which is why I deliberately choose to buy those ones whenever there's a choice as I'm too lazy to make my own.

Most omnivores eat meat and animal products because they like the taste and texture of them, not just because we assume that they're obligatory; and thus many of us will seek to expand the flavour and appeal of our foods by mixing and matching different tastes - just like vegetarians and vegans will also do, but obviously within the confines of available food items in their own chosen acceptable repertoire.

ETA: I quoted you, Janic, but not all of that was specifically addressed to/debating with you personally!

Yes that's the sort of thing I mean.

A dear family friend died a few years ago and his wife donated my dad a brand new belt..leather of his. It doesnt fit my dad so he gave it to me..it would do no good whatsoever for any animal if I simply chucked it away. I kept it. I wear it but if I ever happen to be wearing it and it becomes relevant to a conversation for me to mention my veganism, I tell the story behind it. Vegans dont use leather, I dont buy second hand leather even but I have this one as it would go in the bin otherwise. I did consider donating it to an 'animal' charity shop but ultimately I think family friend would have wanted me to have it and I like that I have something of his. It already existed.

I was also someone who inherited fur coat! I donated them to a wildlife reacue for cosy beds. I couldn't bear to own fur no matter the reason, I didnt know their origin and the majority of fur is unfathomably cruel.

It's easy to cook vegan roasted veg, just put them in a separate roasting dish and use suitable oil etc.
If making a main course is difficult ask her to bring something with her, my sister does this when she visits, not a problem.
Vegan desserts shouldn't be too difficult.
Don't make more of this than you need to. It's not worth it.

As you say you’re making desserts from scratch, you can easily make Christmas puddings vegan and buy dairy free cream or custard.

This is called family politics! It's your MIL. I would find the fact that she has non vegan food occasionally quite funny actually!! Just go along with it. It's a pain I FULLY understand but is a plate of food really worth falling out for!! Try to see it from that point of view. A MIL quirk as it were. Trust me many MIL have worse!!!!

I never understand the 'go along with it for family politics'... why does the give always have to be one way?!

Here you go @Veganornotvegan full vegan dinner and all on one tray!

Hardly a full dinner with no veg. But an easy starting point.

I understand your point of view. But generally speaking, even now, that's the way it goes . Its really old fashioned. The having to acquiesce to the mother in law & bite your tongue. But some unwritten rules where families are concerned, are almost set in stone. They are not going to change for generations to come, because they never have. Put your frustrations aside & maybe buy a cheap tiered steamer and cook everything for your MIL in that separately & in one go. Her meal won't be as yummy as everyone else's and that is something she will have to forgo. Swings both ways. Just tell her you will do your best to accommodate her vegan diet. She can't ask for more.

My MIL is gluten and dairy free by choice (not vegan though), she always brings her own alternative meal when there's a family get together at ours. No fuss at all.