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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBTA if I refuse to cater for my ‘vegan’ MIL?

469 replies

Veganornotvegan · 17/10/2025 21:15

My MIL recently announced that she is vegan. Great. Love that for her.

This obviously came with a request that whenever we cater for her (think Sunday lunch, dinner parties, events, etc.) we cater for her as a vegan. All good so far.

However, she says she’s vegan, but she’s not. Two recent examples when we’ve been out for dinner, she ordered a vegan chilli, but with a side of dairy sour cream (“to make it less spicy”), or a vegan roast dinner, with a side of normal Yorkshire puddings (because “there’s no vegan alternative”).

We are hosting a typical 3 / (4 with cheese course) course Christmas dinner for 14 adults and 4 children, no one else has any dietary restrictions or requirements, and my MIL wants me to make a separate vegan version of everything just for her (no duck fat potatoes, no honey roast parsnips, no meat dripping gravy, etc). WIBTA if I said no / she needs to bring her own?

OP posts:
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IamNotBeingUnreasonable · 18/10/2025 05:24

No way would I be pandering to this supposed vegan. Even if she was a "proper vegan" I still wouldn't.

Chocja · 18/10/2025 05:38

Could you experiment with using maple syrup instead of honey before hand? You could either buy special bits or possibly just do her dinner in an air fryer if you are struggling for room.

For dessert I would either buy a vegan one or make and freeze an extra fruit crumble next time you make one using flora for butter and then cook on the day with vegan cream. I think M and S did a vegan sides with a mixture of stuffing and pigs in blankets and some other bits.

If it’s likely to end in drama then I would find work arounds where reasonably possible and if she cheats then it’s on her.

Viviennemary · 18/10/2025 05:49

Negroany · 18/10/2025 01:43

I wasn't referring to Christmas dinner. I'm sorry that you can't read.

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I thought the thread was about CHRISTMAS dinner. Who can't read I wonder.

Poobs2022 · 18/10/2025 05:53

Veganornotvegan · 17/10/2025 22:05

I totally appreciate there’s lots of options. As I mentioned above, I’m a pretty good amateur cook, especially known for my roasts, and have hosted Christmas dinner several times. I think my other guests will still be expecting what they usually get.

For this number of people I would typically cook;

3 meats (turkey, gammon, beef)
roasts potatoes (in duck fat)
mash potatoes (with butter)
pigs in blankets
red cabbage
honey roast carrots and parsnips
sprouts (cooked with pancetta and chestnuts)
mashed swede (with butter)
cauliflower cheese
Yorkshire puddings
stuffing (not vegan)
gravy with meat juices

it’s only now I’m listing it out I’ve realised how much of my Christmas dinner isn’t vegan! I will accommodate my MIL, but I probably need to speak with her to understand exactly what she’s expecting / hoping for in terms of the side dishes so she’s not disappointed. I’d rather do something separate for her, instead of change my whole menu (and what the other guests are expecting) just for her.

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As a lifelong veggie with a husband who was fully vegan for the last 6 years (he introduced eggs back in this year), I look at this menu and think there are just minor tweaks you could make so you don't HAVE to do every single side as another option for her. The mash and the Swede you could use vegan butter. The flora block is quite good and everyone could eat it and probably wouldn't notice any difference. The sprouts just take some out for her before you add the pancetta (my sister does this for us). The carrots and parsnips you could just roast as they are and not do honey, they'll still taste good but you haven't had to do a separate lot. Someone above said they use a pinch of brown sugar. She can have the cabbage and whatever main you get her and yorkshires if she wants. I'd be really happy with all of that and my own little jug of bisto gravy. If the fat potato's are non negotiable then you'll have to do a separate tray but olive oil potatoes are delicious! But I think it's fairly easy for a veggie (coz she's not really vegan) to slot into your dinner with a couple of tweaks.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 18/10/2025 05:56

I’d say there’s every possibility she won’t be vegan by Christmas. Get her some Quorn sausages and let her make do with those and some veg.

Poobs2022 · 18/10/2025 05:58

WilfredsPies · 18/10/2025 03:02

We’ve got vegan family coming for dinner (they’re very strict, definitely no bending the rules). We are not vegan and I really don’t like many of the vegan alternatives, so we’re doing two separate dinners. I don’t mind going to a bit of effort for them, as it’s something that’s very important to them, I don’t use goose fat or honey and my SiL will bring her own vegan yorkies to heat up.

If she’s happy to munch on a yorkie when there’s no vegan alternative then I don’t think I’d go to a huge amount of extra work. Sainsbury’s do a vegan… thing with fake bacon on it, as well as vegan pigs and vegan stuffing balls. It looks disgusting, to be fair. You might be better off getting an individual nut roast or some no chicken Kievs if you like her. Paxo is also vegan if you don’t add butter. Buy some Birds Eye steamed fresh vegetables (two minutes in the microwave) or a posher version from M&S, some Bisto and some aunt Bessie’s (or posher version from Sainsbury’s) Sainsbury’s have also got a vegan chocolate torte thing in their Christmas food to order section and they do vegan whipped cream.

I made an amazing vegan trifle last year!

pinkbackground · 18/10/2025 06:02

I’d just be getting her a vegan ready meal. If she wants anything from the main meal to add to it then that’s up to her.

Bollihobs · 18/10/2025 06:11

samarrange · 17/10/2025 21:26

There are two ways to be vegan (or vegetarian, or religious for that matter).

One is to go all-in and ensure that you never, ever do anything that you aren't meant to, because then your conscience/Jesus/Allah/the bogeyman will punish you.

The other is to say that you are being, say, vegan because you want to be kinder to animals/lower your carbon footprint/whatever, but to accept that a 99% reduction in your use of animal products is an amazing achievement given the way society runs, and if you allow yourself the very occasional day off, your conscience/Jesus/Allah/the bogeyman will actually be just fine about it.

Clearly your MIL has made the latter choice, which is great (and, for me at least, would be probably the only way to go animal-product-free without going completely nuts). But that also means that she is accepting that very occasionally she might need to deal with situations where there is no vegan option (e.g., the Yorkshire puddings). Hence, you do not have to feel remotely had about making separate versions. (And maybe you can use a slightly less snarky version of the argument in the paragraph before this one as a way to tell her, gently, that you think what she's doing is great, but you hope she'll use one of her 1% days on this.)

Surely when there's "no vegan option" to a side or extra that just means you go without?? No? 🤔

You don't choose a non vegan component, such as yorkshires, "because there's no alternative"....you just accept you don't eat that bit.

5128gap · 18/10/2025 06:31

Becoming vegan is a big life change, and a lot of people get there in stages. Others who follow a vegan diet make the odd exception, eg, a product with milk powder bought in error, if the alternative would be food waste or if there's literally no option. They are still following a vegan diet, and feel 90% vegan is 'better' health, ethically and environmentally than not at all. It certainly doesn't mean that they would want to eat meat deliberately every Sunday or have gravy made with meat juices rather than bisto.
However, all that is a seperate point to whether you should cater for her or tell her to bring her own food. That to me is a matter of how much you would want to accommodate a guests preferences. Me, I'd serve or not serve a guests the food they wanted (within reason) regardless of the reason they want or don't want that food. But if you feel that's too much trouble, you can refuse. I don't think a judgement as to whether you'd MiL is vegan enough is necessary to decide how much trouble you'll go to.

5128gap · 18/10/2025 06:35

Bollihobs · 18/10/2025 06:11

Surely when there's "no vegan option" to a side or extra that just means you go without?? No? 🤔

You don't choose a non vegan component, such as yorkshires, "because there's no alternative"....you just accept you don't eat that bit.

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Mostly, yes, if course and she may well in time. But she's new to it and sometimes too much sacrifice and change all at once might make it unsustainable. If eating a YP when she's out means she doesn't feel so deprived she gives up, then, fair enough.

TheBlueHotel · 18/10/2025 06:39

The things you've said she's eaten alongside her vegan food are still vegetarian aren't they? So refusing to make potatoes and gravy that haven't got meat in them is churlish. Make the vegetarian gravy from granules, it takes minutes, and potatoes and parsnips can be pre roasted the day before in olive oil and microwaved. It's hardly a chore.

JustMyView13 · 18/10/2025 06:42

Starter: Heinz Vegan tomato soup with bread
Main: Nut roast (you mentioned being ok cooking that) M&S Roasted veg & vegan gravy. Pre-make a few roasties the day before, and stick them in the oven to re-heat. And vegan gravy (as already mentioned).
Desert: Vegan ice cream.
Job done.
If she complains it’s not fancy enough take it on the chin & pour yourself more bubbles.

Vanillazebra · 18/10/2025 06:51

Use maple syrup instead of honey, do a quorn roast and tell her to bring her own gravy

WilfredsPies · 18/10/2025 06:55

Poobs2022 · 18/10/2025 05:58

I made an amazing vegan trifle last year!

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I’m not exactly Nigella in the kitchen so can’t imagine how complicated that would have been! Was it worth the hard work that I know would have gone into it?

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 18/10/2025 07:03

Veganornotvegan · 17/10/2025 21:29

It’s not just the meat replacement though, it’s very easy to buy a nut roast and whack that in the oven. It’s that many of the trimmings will also not be vegan. The gravy won’t be vegan (will have meat juices in), the potatoes won’t be (cooked in duck fat), the roast carrots and parsnips won’t be (I typically use honey), the stuffing I make isn’t vegan, and all of these items for her will require their own tray and utensils to be truly vegan. Same with starters and desserts (I cook both from scratch). It’s a lot of work for someone who seemingly only commits to their veganism when it suits them. Interesting to see that the reaction so far is somewhat split though. I’ll likely accommodate her because who wants to rock the boat, just interested to see the general consensus.
thanks for your comment!

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Well quite, but she's not bothered by this when ordering meals so why pander? Is she going to quiz you on things?

MrsDoubtfire1 · 18/10/2025 07:05

When you have cooked the basic veg, why not just take a separate portion before roasting and give her the basics. Tell her to bring her own gravy, and main dish.

Thatsalineallright · 18/10/2025 07:10

I'd tell my DH to sort out food for his mum.

ACynicalDad · 18/10/2025 07:16

Let your partner sort their mum out

JMSA · 18/10/2025 07:20

YABU. It’s not up to you to police her diet. She has drastically reduced her consumption of animal products and sometimes that’s good enough.

LillyPJ · 18/10/2025 07:22

@Poobs2022 You made some good suggestions but I wonder what 'vegan butter' is made from? I try to avoid UPFs and usually eat butter. I think it's a bit unfair to subject everybody else to UPFS just because one person isn't keen on eating butter. I know that's only a tiny bit of the meal and most people wouldn't notice, but you could say the same to the vegan about a bit of butter in the mash!

Twilightstarbright · 18/10/2025 07:22

I’m gluten free and follow it strictly, but I don’t expect there to be an alternative to everything at a meal for me, on your menu I’d accept the cauliflower cheese was a no go but as long as I can have meat, veggies and roasties I would be fine!

Id get a nut roast at vegan friendly bung in the oven sides from M&S so they stay in their trays. Individual vegan Christmas pudding.

I get it though, I have a friend who reads the riot act to waiters about her dairy intolerance then orders ice cream…bet your MIL has a non vegan yorkie!

user1492757084 · 18/10/2025 07:23

Cook Christmas Dinner as you normally would.
Source a ready made vegan Christmas meal - fresh or frozen. (or have two available for her to choose from)
Make some vegan alternatives for dessert. Ask MIL for advice on her favourite vegan beverage and ask her to bring a plate of something that she would like to share, to eat with a cup of tea.

BunnyRuddington · 18/10/2025 07:28

Agree that as the host toh do have to cater for her, no matter how bonkers her request is.

Could you make the parsnips, gravy and roast potatoes for her the day before and just reheat them?

Agree it’s a faff and extra work for you but she is a guest.

holachicatita · 18/10/2025 07:33

Stacey is that you??

elfendom1 · 18/10/2025 07:34

JMSA · 18/10/2025 07:20

YABU. It’s not up to you to police her diet. She has drastically reduced her consumption of animal products and sometimes that’s good enough.

In practice that is not what it is though, is it? Good enough - yet still requiring vegan options as there is a life-threatening allergy, own utensils, own pots, pans, drinks, desserts ... all for something that is good enough but not all in.

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