The ‘mental load’

[Cachall]

Does anyone else cringe when they read this term on here?

If we did "LTB" over this, would that actually reduce the mental load that falls to us?
Everything child related would still need to be done, for example.

You see, in that case, as a tool to communicate within the household and being proactive, I understand how useful it can be.

I'm a single parent, and the mental load is real, otherwise, when I shrugged some of it off, ex wouldn't have become so indignant about having to do his own insurance renewal/MOT/cook the kids dinner without being told what to cook them would he?

And yes, I'm currently barely keeping my head above water, and the only way I am managing is because I have various strategies to deal with mental load - eg. school uniform and PE kit *5 so I just have to get them all washed and put back together on a Sunday and not have to think about them all week. Having fixed days where we just get takeaway or have frozen dinners so I don't have to think about that either. Paying every bill/filling in every school request the moment it comes in so it's not hanging over me. Just accepting that I'll be screwed over a little in my insurance renewal, because my time is booked out 6am to 9pm every single day but Sunday, and I literally don't have any headspace at the moment to do any more.

When your mental load is low, when there isn't too much going on, of course it feels trivial. When you're already at capacity, one more stupid thing can tip you over the edge.

I used to, until my oldest started school, and now I’m juggling school run / nursery run (packed lunches, PE kit, non uniform day, funky hair day, booking after school clubs, rearranging nursery days for unexpected meetings), birthday parties and the presents / childcare for the other child, working full time but flexi work so I’m also doing all dog walks & vet appts / doctor / dentist / HV for my youngest, hobbies. My OH works long shifts so naturally a lot falls to me. 6 months ago I cringed when people would use the phrase, but the addition of school and all the extra associated stuff means I’ve got about 50 tabs open in my brain at any one time 😅

Granted things like routine appointments are only a few times a year and scheduled well in advance, but I think it’s more that there’s always just something to remember!

Well at least you have one less person to micromanage. If only you can do things, you're not wondering whether your husband had thought about this and that.

I guess when your kids are getting older you start having expectations again though...

I think this is one of those "it depends" things. I've been a lone parent where 100% of the mental load has been on me. Yes, that was absolutely more work than if I was in a functional relationship. Being the only person dealing with correspondence from schools, making sure the DCs have what they need, putting together a menu plan and shopping list for the week ahead, maintaining social relationships for the children's benefit etc etc etc was unmistakably more work doing it alone than sharing it with someone else.

But, and this is a big "but", it wasn't an impossibly unmanageable amount of work. Becoming a lone parent undoubtedly harmed my career but I've accepted that. The alternatives were way worse.

I do think that some people exaggerate just how much work all that really is. I did all that as a lone parent for two DCs plus holding down a full-time job. I also had enough free time to do a Masters in the evenings when they were a bit older. If you're a lone parent of a really tiny child then it's different but even then it's not mental load, it's more the necessity of working around their awake/sleep/illness cycle.

I've seen some of the messages here where people are bemoaning being a SAHP for school-aged DCs and absent of special needs I have to admit that I wonder what the actual fuck they do all day.

And how does writing your Christmas cards take five minutes

I didn’t say Christmas cards, I said birthday cards. That really does take five minutes. Write it out, stick a stamp on it, stick it in the postbox next time you’re passing. But since you asked: who still sends a load of Christmas cards? I can’t remember the last time I sent one.

And if renewing your car insurance takes you hours you’re doing it wrong.

It’s not just renewing the home insurance. It’s all the financial stuff plus (etc)

Which is why I said it depends what people are counting as mental load. Often in posts about division of labour the one who isn’t pulling their weight will bolster their list with the tiniest little two minute once a year jobs to make it look like they have as much on their to do list, while the other is doing the lions share of running the home. It’s a thing.

Plus you lose the HUGE weight of resentment. When it's all down to you you find your own systems and ways of coping, but when you're dragging another adult along who doesn't even bother to TRY to help, or who pretends to forget which day is bin day every fucking week, forgets the kids' birthdays, just breezes along in his own little space because, despite your asking, and begging, he refuses to do so much as a postcard on holiday to help - it's not so much the load that kills you. It's the fact that there's another sentient being who is adding to it and pretending that it's no big deal.

That is why sometimes being a single parent is easier.

Nope- it's a good description of being responsible for other people.

People are happy for managers to get paid more not because they work harder but because of the increased responsibility, the 'buck stopping with them' etc.

The whole point of the term was to explain that it's not just the stuff you do (life admin as one example) it's being the one to remember it all often for a load of other people. A bit like the 'I don't understand my wife complaining I don't do chores: if she asks me to help with something I will'. It's managing people who don't ever need to take the iniative themselves, and recognising that takes energy.

Amen to that last sentence in particular.

If I were single I would just get on with life, challenges and all without thinking too much about the mental load however that’s not the case for me or many others which is why ‘the mental load’ is such an issue. It’s the generally hidden element of yes, granted everyday tasks but when one party is expected to carry a much greater share it gets mentioned.

Why is it okay for one person to breeze through never remembering or writing down for themselves if remembering is an issue, when the children last went to the dentist or what their favourite x,y,z is and continually asking the other person. Showboating 10% of a task and leaving the other 90% to someone else with generally no acknowledgement that they have only done a tiny part of a task is not okay and generally why the mental load is brought up.

If the ‘mental load’ is so light I don’t really understand why so many men find it so difficult to carry their half of it.

It's the expectation. Somebody has mentioned birthday cards. Yes, it takes two minutes to write them. It's not the doing, it's having to be the one who does the remembering.

I haven't really got a big mental load as I don't have children and I am not married to the sort of man who thinks it's my responsibility to book him in at the dentists, or send his family cards.

It's a bloody good job because I'm not great at remembering birthdays, or remembering to look at the book I wrote them down in.

I used to get a lot of grief from my father when I forgot a family member's birthday. How awfully selfish I was, etc.

He shut up about it when I pointed out that I had NEVER received a birthday card in his handwriting. He was there when I was born, yet he delegates the task of sending a card to his wife, who is not my mother. So I am selfish and indolent for not sending cards, but he's never done it. Because he has a wife.

And that, to me, is the problem in a nutshell. It's not the tasks, it's the expectation, and where the blame falls when it isn't done.

If you have kids, if they don't get to appointments, if they don't have clean PE kits, etc, who is still seen as responsible?

I think it depends on the context. For some people with perhaps SEN children, multiple children, single parents it can be useful to describe how they are feeling and what they are coping with.

But I do cringe seeing it in relation to every day tasks. I remember one of the numerous sahm vs working mum threads that a poster with older children said she couldn't possibly work due to "mental load" and "life admin" of what transpired were very mundane tasks. One example she gave of that it took her all morning to hoover her house and detailed the very steps she took such as hoovering skirting boards, emptying Chambers of the hoover etc.

How much of the 'mental load' is essential and how much do people put on themselves 'i need to do x because society forces me to/I will be judged,/I need to interfere because I have decided to ingrain myself in something that is nothing to do with me etc.'

It depends who is saying it. SAHM or someone working very P/T gets an eyeroll - that's a job.

Someone working full time and picking up all the family life admin and chores too, its fully justified.

That somehow always fall disproportionately on women in a relationship though

What are they ‘helping out’ with? Their own life presumably?
This is the attitude that causes the issue.

We all carry a mental load. Stress, worries, thinking about work, worrying about Grandma's health. It's normal. Some have a heavier load than others due to illness, circumstances whatever.

Bleating on about "the mental load" of having to write the shopping list and remember the Christmas cards and other mundane tasks just makes people look silly. That's just daily life, it's normal to do those tasks, everyone has to go food shopping. Christmas cards are optional as are a lot of the things people put on their "mental load" list to make them look totally overwhelmed. Most of the time the unbearable mental load that posters like to moan about on her is 50% daily life tasks everyone does and 50% pointless shit that they only do because they think it's important but if they stopped no one would notice or care.

It's similarly cringe when posters go on about "life admin" being like a part time job. Yes of course sorting out the bills and booking events is boring, but you can do it sitting on the sofa whilst watching Netflix, it's hardly a burden. It's just adult life.

It’s often also because one partner has significantly higher expectations about certain things (whether justified or not), which can frequently lead to frustration.

I just watched a true crime short about a kid that went missing while on a camping trip with their dad, eventually they found a sock, which was later identified by his mother as belonging to him. Imagine being in that situation and having to tell your wife your child is missing and then having to be like 'hey honey, what kind of socks did you pack for him?'.

I think this half the problem. We need to stop saying husbands/partners are "helping" and actually expect them to take responsibility and be active and equal participants in family life. By saying they are "helping" it delegates them to some sort of assistant role to the wife to whom everything is ultimately her responsibility.

Reading through these comments I do think women need to do far less; if these things are really so trivial it won’t matter if they don’t get done.

Yes.

Much of it isn’t trivial though. Its not just the “tidying the sock drawer and dusting ornaments” things.

It’s the things that keep the household ticking over:

• Knowing when parents evening is and booking time off work for it
• Knowing when kids activities are and what they need for them
• Knowing when guests are coming and planning for their arrival
• Knowing when medical and dental appointments are for the family, informing school of absence and booking time off work
• Planning and booking holidays and booking the necessary leave
• Keeping on top of homework and checking it is done
• Knowing what PE kit is needed for certain days of the week and making sure it is washed, dried and packed
• Flagging social clashes and making sure they are added to the calendar
• Financial planning snd budgeting
• Managing bills and direct debits
• Animal and vet related issues

None of these individual tasks is overly burdensome on its own and any adult with capacity should be able to manage them.

The point is that very often all of this falls to one of the two adults in the family while the other is blissfully unaware and fails to factor it into their own plans.