The ‘mental load’

[Cachall]

Does anyone else cringe when they read this term on here?

Most of that is covered by a shared Google calendar. We have apps galore than sync with your bank for financial planning, direct debits look after themselves, your children should be managing their own homework or else you'll end up being one of those parents who has to spoon feed their children through exams.

I just don't know how people make such a meal of it all.

Yes, that was my point (I should have flagged the sarcasm, that’s on me!). The fact is that if women (and it is usually women doing them, let’s be honest—if it were typically men’s work it wouldn’t be undervalued) stopped doing all of these ‘trivial’ things the rest of their family would notice pretty soon.

Some people have far more self-sufficient and proactive partners than others, too, I suppose. If you’re carrying a grown-ass man’s deadweight you’re likely to feel entitled to a bit more of a moan than your friend whose partner gets things done. This has always been a line for me and my partner. I’m not prepared to run myself ragged for an able-bodied man. I think I’d struggle to stay attracted to someone who needed mothering.

@Sunflower459

That only works with non essential stuff though. Leave the ironing? Fine, no harm done.

But a parent who doesn’t take their child to necessary medical appointments or who forgets to inform school that their child is attending one or who doesn’t bother turning up to parents evening? You’re shading into neglect here. If one person washes their hands of this, it takes a very brave partner to say: “screw it I am not going to bother.”

Because at this point its well beyond not having ironed shirts or a healthy packed lunch. Very few mothers will be happy to engage in this kind of brinkmanship.

Yes, this — plus the fact, which I don’t think anyone’s mentioned so far in the thread, that even if one’s male partner actively wanted to do all these things, schools and the NHS will still contact the mother first above all.

At DD’s school many working mothers complained that even if their husband’s contact details were down first as main parent the school would still email/phone the mum first for everything from “your kid had a head bump today” calls, to pickups to illness to school trip money and lost PE kit, and it was a huge effort to get them not to in itself.

Yes I remember that post! 😆

I agree with this.

Being a SEN parent with multiple children, it is difficult and there is a mental load, but despite some things said by a few posters, many of us just get on with it quietly and likely don’t talk about the mental load until when we’re exhausted or on the verge of burnout.

Personally, I don’t find my mental load heavy, exhausting yes, more that it means my brain rarely gets to shut off and I’m often in a perpetual stage of alertness whether I want to be or not but it doesn’t mean that it is filled with trivial things.

I manage DH, DC1, DC2 (all ND with different needs and levels of explanation needed and children going to separate schools 30 minutes away from each other) and an active, clever, climbing toddler on a daily basis. I’d be a bit annoyed if someone thought I meant remembering to clean, secretary work for DH, and planning the occasional holiday with kids.

Yes, I see that, and I agree. Ergo perhaps we collectively need to stop tolerating male weaponised incompetence and instead call it what it is: neglect.

Beautifully put.

They're presumably not complaining about have to take on the entire mental load then, so not the people that PP was referring to.

But this is just Being A Grown Up. We all have to do it.

How do you think single people manage? Do you think we’re all sitting here bleating that nobody is sharing the “mental load”?!

Having a partner who doesn’t pull their weight is frustrating, but these tasks aren’t some kind of mysterious thing that only people with useless partners have to do on their own. We all do! It’s just life.

Its a specifically the fact that all these everyday tasks are typically the responsibility of the female partner.
Its the fact that one person, usually the woman, has to do all the thinking and remembering and planning, and not just the tasks themselves.

Its not being dramatic to acknowedge that its a thing.
Its very dismissive to call it dramatic as if its not something that should be acknowledged so the situation can be improved

The whole point is not that we all have to do these things, but that in a family one adult might end up doing all of them for the whole family (and children don’t do their own “life admin”, someone else has to do it for them); — while another adult in the family does little or none of it.

If you don’t have children it’s hard to appreciate just how much “life admin” one or multiple children generate; and the issue with it is that it can’t just be left to drop, because it’s essential for your children’s health, education and overall life. Party planning isn’t on the surface of it as urgent as making sure your child gets all their vaccinations; but your child may well be pretty miserable if they never have a birthday party because mum asked dad to do it and he didn’t bother. So mums do it for their kids regardless.

It’s the imbalance in “project managing” the whole family that grates — a single parent doesn’t have the choice, but it’s fucking infuriating if you’re doing it all and another adult is just sitting blithely disregarding the fact that it’s a real thing that exists.

@TwinklyStork

But this is just Being A Grown Up. We all have to do it.
How do you think single people manage? Do you think we’re all sitting here bleating that nobody is sharing the “mental load”?!

Having a partner who doesn’t pull their weight is frustrating, but these tasks aren’t some kind of mysterious thing that only people with useless partners have to do on their own. We all do! It’s just life.

I know this: I was a single parent for eight years and I managed this fine. I wish people would stop parroting the “Being a Grownup” thing. It’s so simplistic.

The whole point of being in a partnership is that it’s meant to make things easier. If one of you is not a grownup, someone is doing all the grownup. Its really unbalanced and unfair and it will eventually kill the relationship.

Well youd expect it as a single person, but its extremely jarring and unfair if youre supposed to be in a partnership and yet you even have to organise their life for them and take their stuff into account but noone does it for you.
Its often something that creeps up on you, especially when children come along.

I think it is a good descriptor of all the stuff you’re juggling. When you’re in a routine and everything’s ok you maybe don’t see it.

our dog was critically ill a few weeks ago (in and out of specialists) in that week with all that extra worry, driving, managing the kids feelings etc… I missed booking a parents evening slot online, booked a shopping delivery for the wrong day with half of the stuff missing and the other half double, I had promised to make some food for a charity event and ended up turning up with a bag of Doritos and a bottle of pop, we ran out of toothpaste and daughters dance shoes were so much too small they were hurting her.

First world problems, but you sometimes only feel it when it all goes wrong, and you’re the one the family moan to when there’s no toothpaste or clean shirts.

(And my DH is really good on the whole)

This is exactly the point though! Single people manage because it is just them, they have to do it all. If I'm in a relationship with someone I expected us to be a team and share the load. That's what people are complaining about.

Also it's been at least a week since we had a thread moaning about the term 'mental load' so thanks for starting one OP.

And yet somehow we manage to do it without one of us starting a thread every week to bitch about it 😂

Agree.

Not sure why it is so hard to understand being single and being only responsible for yourself is different.

A single person who is a carer for a parent would get it without claiming it’s just being a grown up.

God yes. I've mentioned this on Mumsnet before but when DD was in primary school she injured herself and needed to be collected. Despite my name being listed as the primary contact, the school called her mum - my ex. DD was on the Child Protection Register at the time because of her mum's problems and DD lived with me full-time as a result. I know the school was aware of all this because the head teacher was one of the key people in the progress meetings and several of those meetings were held on school premises. But the admin person ignored all that and called my ex because she was the mum.

Luckily my ex was having a good day that day and she called me rather than going to collect DD herself. If she'd not been on good form, though, it could have gone very differently. I was gob-smacked.

This thread was started to complain about the term, not to complain about having to do the mental load. The person who started this thread is on your side, not mine.

Have you ever had to look after an elderly relative while you’ve got multiple kids, a crumbling old house to look after/try to sell for said elderly relative, an old pet who needs the vet, and a full time job? Or some other combination of very very task-heavy, responsibility-heavy things in your life?

Have you ever had so many things to think about, do, remember, know, keep track of and worry about that you can literally never spend any time on anything that gives you joy?

I’m guessing not.

Single people only have to manage for themselves. Now imagine the difference in workload if you have to do all you have to do as a single person for multiple people.

For some things it doesn't make a difference. But, let's take dental appointments, for example. I only have to keep track of my own. I know if I've got toothache. If I forget or don't bother with a check up, it's my own teeth.

If I had, let's say, two kids, I have to remember when each of them is due a check up. If they miss it, it's my problem. If their teeth get in a state, they can't fix it, I have to do it. If they aren't forthcoming about being in pain (some kids aren't), I have to make sure I spot the signs. If they aren't good brushers, I've got to try to do something about that, because they are kids and I am responsible for them.

Yes, it's still 'just life' but it's 'just' 3 people's lives, 2 of which are much less capable than I am of making decisions to lighten that load.

If you have them got another functioning adult in the house who only looks after themselves, or, even worse, doesn't even do that, can't you see how different that is to being a single adult?

I'm not single, but I don't have kids and I can certainly see the difference just by not having kids in terms of my mental load.

I know what it is. I don't need it explaining to me. I just don't think it's as big a thing as posters on here make out.

Plan task, do task, move on. It's not hard when living a normal family life. It gets really hard when someone is sick or there scaring responsibilities or financial trouble, but then people experiencing those things don't come on MN to moan about the mental load of cleaning the kitchen and writing Christmas cards, they are too busy actually working themselves to death to keep things going and would describe it as trying to survive an awful situation, not something as sappy as "the mental load". The people who are really struggling aren't using this twee term, they are using words like overwhelmed or unmanageable. If your husband is useless sort him out. Tell him to get his shit together or divorce him. Stop putting up with lazy useless men then there will be no need to make up ditsy terms for daily life.

I absolutely agree with you.

I'd also say that a lot of the things people include in their "mental load" are genuinely things that have never crossed my mind. I do think some people (not all, but some) like to make work for themselves because it justifies them being a SAHP, or working part-time etc.

I'm sure I'll get shot down in flames for that, though.