The ‘mental load’

[Cachall]

Does anyone else cringe when they read this term on here?

Absolutely not!

Yep. The mental load, otherwise known as "life".

No I think it's good recognition of how too often women carry the burden of remembering and organising more than men.

No I don’t cringe at all. It was a revelation to me when it first started being discussed when I was a young working mother. It allowed me to challenge my DH and enabled me to get him to do more.

I really like what people call the mental load. I enjoy all the detail and feeling on top of everything, having my lists and spreadsheets. I think I’d find it quite stressful if I wasn’t across it all- must be the control freak in me.

We’ve just done some insurance renewals and it really did not take five minutes - more like hours. And how does writing your Christmas cards take five minutes?

The usual issue is that, for example, if two people have full time jobs and only one of them ends up doing all the admin and organising for a family, then that actually IS a significant amount of time and effort.

It’s not just renewing the home insurance. It’s all the financial stuff plus making sure everyone has everything all the time, from kids’ clothes and school uniform and presents for parties and confirming the flu vaxes and making sure the ingredients for food tech are bought and ready and school trips are paid and lost clothes retrieved from lost property and piano lessons are booked and babysitters organised and flowers sent to granny who’s had a minor op, etc. etc., and to do ALL of them, whilst someone else scrolls on their phone or whatever, is fucking annoying and unfair.

Indeed. And I'm the one who has organised every party, birthday and Christmas celebration for the past 25 years.
If he did something "equal but different" it wouldn't be so bad.

Agree.

It’s the doing, the thinking, the expecting, the observing, the remembering, the anticipating, the considering for the entire family that keeps things running.

@Thatstheheatingon that’s not the “mental load” that allowing another adult to use you for 25 years and to put up with it!

I dont really think mental load necessarily becomes a thing, or a problem until you have kids (or probably caring for an elderly relative with limited capacity) and are then responsible for someone else.

And there become more every day things to anticipate, remember, plan, consider, organise etc. (As much as the action or chore itself) Instead of your own dentist/dr/optician appointments, social life, deadlines, general admin, replacing things that are grown out of or broken, etc etc youre doing that for multiple people. I think it has probably changed for our generation, because more women are working ft. More children are in formal childcare. It's not that each individual action takes ages - they might only take minutes ...but someone has to know when/where/how much/what time/when thats due etc and that takes headspace

I met DH in the supermarket once - we had each gone independently, he was buying ingredients for a recipe he wanted to make that day, I was buying stuff we had run out of, like milk, pet food and things to go in DC lunch boxes. He would have got them "if I'd let him know what we'd run out of...."

Yes this was just one example. It's easier to say 'mental load' as a collective term for all the millions of examples than list all examples individually. Like how it's easier to say 'housework' rather than 'tidying, mopping, hoovering, wiping down, cleaning bathrooms...etc etc etc'

Haha, yes.

No.

It's very real and I'm glad we now have a name for it. We can't get dads to understand it and take their share of it if we can't define it.

I don't believe in it. I think it's absolute nonsense to be honest.

Woman who complains about mental load = woman whose partner says 'just tell me what to do and I'll do it' and then gets snotty when she says that's not the point and accuses her of dreaming up the whole 'mental load' thing.

I have yet to have a relationship with a man who actually gets the entirety of what needs to be done and takes on his half voluntarily. Hopefully that's just down to the calibre of men I meet and they're out there doing their thing.

It depends how it's used. One half of a couple having to think and plan absolutely everything to the extent no food would be bought and no activities planned without her? Legitimate. One half of a couple complaining they need to send Christmas cards to distant relatives that their husband most likely doesn't care about sending cards to? Not legitimate

My rule is that if it's something that in the event of a divorce you'd still want to make the decision on (children's club decisions, Christmas/birthday cards and presents, decorating planning and decisions, etc) then it doesn't count as mental load and there is no point complaining about it.

You think that women aren't taking on more of the thinking and mental organising behind child rearing and household tasks?

The data does not back you up.

Or rather, "life for women"

A bit yes. Most of the time, it's just life, and the product your life decisions
I can find it interesting when it is unbalanced in a couple dynamic.
But I think just moaning about the mental load as if it was a new asset in the oppression toolbox is somewhat taking agency away from women. In other words: just grow a back bone and / or LTB.

I have been asked if I'm not overwhelmed by the mental load as a single childfree woman, no, it's just life, and being alone means that I don't have any expectations that anything will get done by anyone else. So the 'mental load" is nothing but a to-do list, up to me to act on it.

All the data that's ever been published ever on this topic says you're wrong, but think what you like.

Totally this. It’s a very real problem for a lot of (almost entirely) women.

What would you rather call it OP?

Everyone has a mental load. It only becomes a problem when it breeds resentment because one half of the relationship is having to think about and plan everything.

The term itself makes sense. We all have a mental load we have to manage to get through life.

i think what you are referring to is when people’s mental load is too high. I can assure you as one of those people, it’s a very real burden and the term provides a tangible way to discuss this issue with family who are usually the ones who can help to alleviate it.

Yes this was just one example. It's easier to say 'mental load' as a collective term for all the millions of examples than list all examples individually. Like how it's easier to say 'housework' rather than 'tidying, mopping, hoovering, wiping down, cleaning bathrooms...etc etc etc'

Agree.

If you’re only responsible for yourself, of course you’re not going to think there is anything to the mental load because what you do and don’t do mainly effects you usually, but when you add a child, a sick relative, disabled relative, or anything where you’re responsible for more than just you on a daily or several times a week basis, there is a mental load because there are more that depend on you and are effected by your actions or lack there of.