The ‘mental load’

[Cachall]

Does anyone else cringe when they read this term on here?

But mostly that's because you are a single childfree woman. I am now single and my kids are grown up and there IS no mental load. Everything, all the admin and organisation and things are of my own life. Nobody except me will die if I miss doctors' appointments. Nobody except me will care if I miss a party.

Having been a single mum to five, I remember the mental load during those days and it was INSANE. Just keeping up with one kid's requirements, appointments, school stuff and social calendar was mad, multiply that by five and THAT is a mental load.

Only if you marry someone totally useless.

I’d also like to point out that those of you saying you don’t understand it, you don’t think it’s a big deal etc. Do you have any significant worries that add to your (apparently non existent) mental load? Believe me, dealing with an ongoing horrendous situation with one of my children (in conjunction with other stuff going on) is really not just organising birthday parties and paying bills. It’s not just ‘normal life.’

Bit coincidental that so very many women make that mistake, isn't it?
Almost as though it's inequality at a societal level.

I think that's part of the point. Dealing with horrible, difficult situations with one's children is not "mental load", it's not comparable to some of the "remembering candles and matches for a birthday party" examples being given here.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time and yes. I do have a number of significant worries, but it doesn't stop me rolling my eyes at the dramatisation of getting PE kit ready.

Yes. It’s called being an adult

Most people answering seem to think that the question is: ‘does ‘mental load’ exist?’ Rather than: ‘do you dislike the term ‘mental load’?

Totally get what you’re saying and agree, but I suppose what’s difficult is how to you define clearly what ‘counts’ as mental load and what doesn’t? What might be more difficult for one person that’s super easy for another? Even in the example you’re giving re PE kits. For some, yep, super easy. Access to a washing machine, and money to buy a spare set maybe. Maybe a partner who organises the packed lunch while you organise the uniform? I don’t know. I just think it’s completely impossible to quantify. I do agree though as I said in my other post that some people definitely do make a huge deal of things that don’t need to be. I do find it difficult for example to watch people on Instagram good on about the mental load of packing for a holiday for 3 kids, for example. But then, maybe for them it really does feel like mental load. It’s just another way to pit women against each other, really. Race to the bottom and all that. Sorry you’re having a tough time too. 🌷

And many of us roll our eyes at some choosing to minimise it to that.

Life would be boring if we were all the same, eh?

Some of you have really low expectations for your DH/DPs.

Yes there’s lots to do but you don’t have to do it alone.

There's a difference between a mental load (ie things you have to think about) and the mental load (ie the sociological concept of the invisible work that everything ever published on the subject shows exists and disproportionately falls to women).

I wonder if people here are talking about two different things.

It's not about the doing. It's about the thinking about if it needs to be done.

What I don't get is where do we go from here?
Once we have coined the term, what should be done next?
We're not going to put a cop behind all shitty husbands to force them to do their part.

So the only reasonnable thing to do is to either LTB (my fav) or communicate.

At a society level, the only thing I can think of (maybe there are plenty other things...) is for dads to have a proper paternity leave, like 3-6 months.
I can imagine that when the dad comes back to work after the what, 10-15 days post birth (soz don't know the number), and that the mum starts dealing with doctors appointments, vaccination schedule, buying nappies, formula and what not, it's just so easy for men to not care about the day to day. If the first months were equally shared, not everything would be on the mum.

Also, what is really necessary? I always see here plenty of drama about birthday parties, what happened to having a colin the caterpillar cake 5 balloons on the bannister and a couple of presents and here you are, now it's a paw patrol cake with matching cupcakes, a pony with ribbons, personalised sweet bags and a bouncy castle Isn't it all performative?

It is unfair if one parent has a to do list (mental or written) with 100 things on it and one parent has a to do list with 3 things on it. Or in some cases, no to do list.

It is unfair if one parent is sitting in front of the tv researching birthday party venues, texting mutual friends to organise social stuff, ordering hockey socks, shopping around for insurance, amending the food shop - and the other one is scrolling Instagram because none of that stuff is their problem.

It is unfair if one parent spends their weekends meal planning and cooking and figuring out when everyone needs to be where - and the other one just does what they are asked with zero thinking.

Even if both parents do equal tasks (which is rare), if only one of them is thinking and remembering and planning what needs to be done, and the other one only does what they are asked and reminded multiple times, then the load is not equal. Because one parent’s headspace is full of what needs doing next and the other’s is empty for them to think about whatever is important to them.

Managers at work get paid more, due to the extra responsibility. And they get expected to do less of the actual work, because managing (planning, coordinating, chasing up) everyone else is seen as a big job in itself. If one parent is the “manager” but still expected to do half the jobs, or more, that is unfair.

I don’t know how else to explain it 🤷‍♀️ If you don’t understand the mental load then you either live a very simple life (probably without kids or with one small child or much older kids) or you’re leaving it all to your partner.

It’s still about low expectations though - why are so many people married to men who need to be told this stuff?

Bloody hell the sneering on here is unreal! ‘The mental load’ is just another term for being saddled with the job of having to hold space in your brain for everyone else’s stuff, so that they don’t have to. If you live with another grown adult it’s not unreasonable for that adult to share that burden but too often they don’t. Over time it’s exhausting and debilitating. Imagine you work with a colleague with whom you are expected to collaborate to deliver required outputs, but you’re always the one who books the meetings, makes the notes, implements the tasks, coordinates the follow ups, chases the feedback and ultimately works harder to ensure that the project is delivered on time and in budget, but your colleague coasts, lets you do the majority of the tedious work and then shows up when the client praises you both for a job well done. Initially it’s something you swallow, but over time it grates, and eventually you just resent them. It’s a real thing and sneery shit like this just makes sure that women who deal with this crap think twice about saying they’re fed up with it, for fear of being put down, belittled and mocked.

Hmm. My husband definitely does stuff beyond working, but he definitely consults me on most house things rather that use his initiative or work it out for himself (what cycle should he pick on the washing machine? Which draw does the softener go in again? What is there in the fridge for lunch?) and many things simply dont enter his mind. He couldn't tell you when bin day is or what bin it is this week. I'd have to ask him to put the bins out, it wouldn't occur to him. He doesnt know our children's teacher's names or what forms they're in. He doesn't know when anyone in the extended family's birthdays are. He is capable of cooking dinner but would 100% ask me what he should cook first. No one in this house ever puts a new roll of toilet roll on the holder apart from me, despite me repeatedly asking. He doesnt keep the mental list in his head like do, the "ds1's needs new shoes/they're all due opticians appointments/we're running low tin foil/ the zip on Ds2's school bag needs fixing/all kid's drawers need sorting through for outgrown clothes/swimming lesson fees need paying" etc.

That is the invisible stuff that is the mental load, plus much more. Yes, he would help if I ask, but me asking doesnt stop it still being my mental load.

"What I don't get is where do we go from here?"

When you can define it and explain it you can do something about it. Dh gets it now. He understands it exists. He understands that if he asks me to make a list he's asking me to take ownership and manage the task. I don't do that anymore. Previously I couldn't quite explain why I'd get so annoyed about lists.

My sons now understand why I'd get annoyed when I ask them to put the bins out and they keep saying they'll do it later. They'd insist they were going to do it at what's my problem. My problem was that I couldn't take it off my mental list if I had to keep reminding them and keep checking that it got done because sometimes it didn't get done.

I think that having the phase to explain it helps to raise awareness of it. It's not about shitty husbands it's about husbands who didn't realise and wives who couldn't quite explain it.

The best way to test if the mental load is a thing or not is to put it down.
If anything requires any thought/consideration/research/planning/coordinating/remembering - just patch it. Don’t get involved. Let the chips fall where they may.
Let your head fill up with whatever you want to fill it with and live life like a typical man.
When the wheels fall off and nobody has what they need and everything’s gone to shit because nobody has engaged their brain in the bigger picture, maybe what the mental load is will finally become clear.
Except most women won’t do this. Because they won’t tolerate the consequences for their children if they did.
Sometimes my share of the mental load can feel quite heavy so I’m very glad my DH actually picks up his share. Despite my vagina, my brain does actually also deserve some time to switch off too.

Not at all. Some People think more than others about things/ some people have more to do than others- hardly a newsflash!

This

Yep. Especially when it's a SAHM who doesn't acknowledge any mental load in being a sole earner.

It’s cringeworthy when the wife stays home but if she’s working and juggling everything else, I think it’s apt.

Not. I think it's a good way to describe an invisible load that is often unequally shared.