DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I think you should let his mum come and stay. You say realistically this is his life now, but realistically that’s not true. He can leave, move back to London, be a weekend dad that sees his friends and lives the single life. He’s not happy at home or in his relationship so you need to listen to him and work together. He doesn’t sound like an awful person so you both need to fight for your relationship or there won’t be any taking a few years off work or having more children together.

Reading further, he sounds like he's depressed. Fathers can get post natal depression too, and combined with the complete change in lifestyle and being the only breadwinner and stopping going to the gym, he needs to be assessed for depression.

You've completely immersed yourself in motherhood at his expense. You're not leaving the baby for more than an hour at a time. You don't have a satisfying sexual relationship with your husband. You're not looking at going back to work. Your marriage is in trouble and will soon be in big trouble if changes aren't made. I think you need to consider going back to work part time as well as moving out of a village unless you would rather live in a village than be married.

You went backwards when you recreated growing up in a village for your child. For him, he's living isolated with little to do, no socializing, a commuter life, little sex life and he's alone after 9 pm staring at the walls. Is it a wonder he wants to get out and do things?

I also strongly suggest marital counseling.

No moving house isn’t a short term option, but they could discuss how they both want their lives to look like and admit this has been a mistake. They could find out what they’d get for their home and look what they could afford back in their old area. What childcare costs and what they could do. They could work as a team and make a 12 month plan. In my experience, knowing there’s a plan and an end in sight makes living through things being a bit shit much easier.

(OP any plan must include you working, can’t stress this enough, you need to be able to keep a roof over your head if he does fuck off)

bring the mum up then meet dh in town and have a couple of nights out and go see a flat. You know it’s time to move back to London.

As in, he doesn’t have to put up with this as he could very well split up with her over this? I don’t understand why some posters seem to be ignorant of this being a distinct possibility. You’re ignoring the clear red flags that he isn’t happy with this relationship and is reassessing what he wants. It’s not really relevant that OP is happy with this set up as not all relationships pass this sort of incompatibility test.

Not leaving your baby for more than an hour in 11 months is extreme, as is consistently going to bed at 9pm and therefore spending no evenings together as a couple is also extreme and not really sustainable for anyone! It does sound like he has underestimated how significantly life would change, but it also sounds like you've totally martyred yourself for your child. Plenty of parents manage to put their kids first but still find time and space for other important relationships.

DH and I were the first in our friendship group to have DC, and it’s hard to find a new normal to start with. In many ways it was easier for me because I had new mum friends from our antenatal group, and a variety of groups to go to with DS if I wanted to. For DH , all his social group stayed the same, except that he was now less free to join in with everything. Your DH is feeling the loss of is former life and it’s not ok as his partner to just ignore that. He’s not a machine any more than you are. He’s also now commuting, which I know from DH and DD is exhausting. I’m not surprised he’s struggling. I can’t say this too strongly, you have to listen well to each other, hear what the issues are and come up with ways to resolve them. Both sides are likely to have to compromise on their ideal but you have to make sure you’re giving your relationship the attention it needs. Both of you.

For us that meant DS having the occasional overnight with one or other of his GP. Which worked really well and really helped to develop the lovely bond he has with them all. It gave us precious time together to talk uninterrupted and to catch up on sleep and sex. They were very helpful times. It also meant both of us giving the other time to see friends on a regular basis, whether that was for drinks in the evening or whatever. And at weekends we took it in turns to give the other person a lie in. One would have Saturday and the other Sunday and the other person would get up with DS, give him breakfast and play with him. It’s really hard work to start with so you have to dig in and be each other’s cheerleader and helper. That way the jobs are shared and each person gets some down time and leisure time. It makes the world of difference if you can approach it as a team.

Surely he lacks local friends and is lonely?

That's a lot of change in a short amount of time, I think many people would struggle with that. I'd definitely be feeling pretty depressed if the only person local was my partner and they were making no effort and asleep early. Sorry, I know it's hard and I'm sure you're trying your best but these are always hard years without moving away from your friends and family to the middle of nowhere.

Sorry to hear this. I think you should consider living closer to either of your families if an option? Or closer commute wise?
And you definitely need to accept help and letting DS get used to being looked after by grandma or babysitters. He's almost a year old! You do need couple time together and it's really not fair for others to brush him off as selfish or wanting too much. You've had a lot of life changes really suddenly! It's hard! But you have to work to find your way back to each other, it's a long time to get out of practice being intimate with each other and that builds resentment very easily.

Why not book a few long weekends in London in an Airbnb and enjoy socialising and having friends over and catching up. Take ds to science museum etc. Book a holiday for next year with either your fam or his
Get some exciting stuff in the diary. Could you have friends come to stay for a night?
It is hard to be the first couple to have kids but in my opinion it often starts off the rest of the group!
Perhaps if he is sporty he could join sport clubs by you or in the next town over.

Is his mum coming so you can do the same as him. Are you going to London together.
I wouldn't want to spend a week with his mum no matter how well you get on.

The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space.

<groan in despair emoji> as always the woman has to pivot into the new life as a consequence of life changes such as an unexpected baby and meanwhile the man just thinks 100% how it affects him, how can he inconvenience everyone and anyone so he can cling onto his previous life.

No thought whatsoever goes into supporting your challenges, not least of all the whinging about you going to bed earlier - how about that's because you're exhausted due to caring for your newborn.

its difficult to think of anything you can do to get rid of this manchild other than the obvious - get rid.

Diddums.

I feel for you both OP - we did a similar move out from London to a village about 3 years ago and my DH really struggled with the change too. He really missed his old life and how easy it was to catch up with people regularly and sometimes he acted like we had moved to the moon rather than 45 minutes away by train! Over time he has made some good dad friends locally through school (which I appreciate is a few years off for you guys) but I really encourage him to still meet up with his old London friends after work every couple of weeks so he doesn't feel like this part of his life is gone. As a result he gets far more nights out than me but it has made him much happier during the transition (which in turn has made us all much happier!) and it means he is far more present during the weekends and actually really appreciates the local area we live in and time with us as a family much more.

I would say that when we did the move we already had DC and DH still struggled with the change, if he had also been getting his head around a new baby too I think it would have been a nightmare. Was the move a joint decision or was it more your choice than his?

Bloody hell, get a grip woman!

I don't usually take men's side here, but I would be depressed in his situation, too.
Unfortunately, he made his choice as an adult and has to get on with it.

OP- having a baby and the change it brings to your life is difficult at any age, but perhaps especially when you are young in this current culture. The choices you have made about how life can best work for you and DS don't seem to have included what DH wants or needs in the long and short term. You are fine, your spouse is not. If it was the other way around you would want him to address that. Of course, he cannot now act as if he is young, free and childless — and from your OP he is still engaging in family life. But he is a social person who is now isolated and completely removed from his networks, on top of not having a great deal to do for the child because you are taking primary carer role. To expect him to work a day shift, come home, prepare and eat a meal and then sit all evening alone in a village where he has no friends is obviously unreasonable. I truly understand how hard it is to lose sex drive after having children, but you do have to make an effort in your relationship if you want it to survive (and that is not only about sex). I don't know that considering what is 'fair' is the right thing to do here. Why couldn't he just have a weekend in Paris, given that the rest of his life sounds pretty routine? Maybe you need to think about moving closer to his friend network, or giving some flex to your routine so that he can be social in the way that he wishes, while all of your needs are met too. Having his mum come and stay for a week while he sulks off to a hotel is obviously not the answer, but nor is 'suck it up, this is our life now' - because if he is that unhappy, he will leave eventually.

Diddums

But it's hard moving to a new area and not knowing anyone, it's easier to meet new people with a baby.

I don't usually take men's side here, but I would be depressed in his situation, too.

Same

I think you’re being a bit naive in not seeing the big danger here. He’s very unhappy with the set up. You’ll have to seriously considering moving somewhere- otherwise he’s already thinking about leaving. It’s shit but it’s the reality of the selfish man your husband has realised he is.

Great, tell the OP how other people manage it, so why can't she. The OP will have her own challenges and experiences of new motherhood, fatigue levels vary, comparisons are not helpful.

I hated village living - but it’s a case of resolving it. Either you move back or he has to adjust.

We moved back to London. 👍

So you think OP should do the wake ups 6 nights a week and be even more exhausted?

The DH had every opportunity to assess the impact of moving to the new area. It's a bit late whinging about it after they've moved.

You both need a good time together, go out in the city together and have some fun!
The baby will be absolutely fine.
You probably need to compromise and stay up on a fri and Saturday night and consider letting him go away with friends more than once a year.
Is a move back to the city an option?