DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I hope OP has got the message. Presumably she is up and about for the day now with her baby and will have read these comments. She is choosing not to reply, which I get. She is probably quite overwhelmed and shocked.

But I hope she makes some compromises now and actually spends some time with her husband and listens to him. Otherwise she will get a huge shock when he leaves her and she will no longer be with her child 24/7.

For him living in the small village environment isn’t working. That doesn’t make him a bad partner or Dad - perhaps just incompatible with the OP.

And it doesn't make her a bad partner or mother either, yet 80% of the comments on the thread are blaming it all on her.

The OP doesn't have to be ok with her husband having a couple of nights off from family life every month, most people do not get that.

I agree she should be flexible over babysitters and that is a stage that she will get to I'm sure, because the vast majority of people do.

Moving back to the city is a big step, and one that can't be made lightly when the baby is so young and not something that must be rushed into just because he uttered the words 'I'm depressed'.

Hopefully she stopped reading the comments early on and instead just looks at the poll results.

Pure nastiness on this thread.

"Maybe it’s just me but I believe when you have children you commit to them fully, they become the singular priority and every decision made should have a positive impact on them. Yes it may not be exactly how you want things but if it’s best for the child that’s what happens."

This is really unhealthy. When you have a child, you become a parent, of course, and the child is the main priority. But not the SINGULAR, only priority. Children need boundaries and separation. What you describe sounds extremely smothering.

You are not only a mother: you are also a woman, and your husband's wife. (And he is not just a father now: he is still a man, and your husband). You don't have sex any more because you're not feeling it. He misses his old friends (and, I'm sure, his relationship with you). And you seem to think that he should focus exclusively on being a dad.

If you don't find a way to make having a child compatible with being someone else other than the child's mum & dad, you're headed for divorce. And, frankly, I wouldn't blame him.

Even if the DH could find a chance to make friends locally, I'm not sure how successful that would be. We don't know anything about the village they've moved to, but it might not be teeming with the 'international, cosmopolitan' types he chooses to spend his time with.

I moved to a rural market town from London and have not made ANY friends in 14 years. This has never happened to me before; I'm sociable and easy-going. It seems some places are so - what you might call 'settled', people don't care about meeting anyone new.

I think it's telling that OP eventually admitted she wasn't all that keen on her London life and isn't bothered about her friends there. I agree that it sounds like she went all-out to replicate her own childhood, and wonder how the discussions about making this dramatic life change really went between them. Did DH know her ideal family bedtime is 9pm, for instance? And that she considers a child sufficient company for its parents, who should require no others?

When I started reading this thread, I felt it was positive that OP listened to her husband's concerns. I had similar thoughts to the many PPs' suggestions on how to integrate more of their previous social style with family life and to reconnect as a couple. Then OP made it clear it's her way or nothing and that she doesn't really care about him. It's sad. I can't see this lasting unless she realises things are going to have to change - she still has choices on the changes that will happen, but she needs to re-imagine her idyll.

I have sympathy with both the OP who is loving caring for a baby (I did too) & for her husband who is finding it hard.

I think compromise is needed but I also wonder in reality whether any amount of compromise will work if the husband just isn't ready for fatherhood.
I think this is a common problem where couples fall into having a baby because that's "next" but aren't both ready for the reality of what that means.

I think the best way forward at this point is marriage counselling to really unearth the feelings about parenthood on both sides. The child deserves it if nothing else.

You have some problems that need fixing somewhat.
Use MIL to facilitate together time for you and DH.

Your son is eleven months so should soon be sleeping better, eating better and you both, hopefully, will get mojo intimacy back.
Book DC into half a day of childcare on a Friday. You catch up on sleep and prepare some easy food to make Fri night something to look forward to.
Instead of DH letting you catch up on sleep on a weekend, concentrate on getting some quality together time every weekend.
Every second weekend go into the city and meet with DH friends.
Once a month let DS sleep over at MILs.
Invite DH friends out from the city a few times per year for a fishing day, BBQ, dinner party etc.

We took our first child out with us a lot.
Don't use the fact that you are parents as an excuse to socialise apart. Find ways to socialise together more.
It is great the DH is honest.
Get him off the continual scrolling and phone use - instigate other enjoyable things to do. Cook together, play cards and competitive computer games, walk, exercise, swim or go to gym. You are long past the new baby phase so life needs to catch up.

Seriously look at whether, long term, it could be better living closer to the city.

Hi, I just wanted to start by saying I haven’t read all the pages so I’m sorry if I’ve missed anything.

I found the first 2 years with my first child so hard mentally. I missed my old life so much and felt like I’d ruined my life. I was lonely and felt all my friends from pre kid life had pulled away and moved on as they are all child free (I had my first at 27). My dp felt similarly and it was a really hard time.

I can safely say that these feelings have passed for us now. We now have a 4 year old and a baby and we are happy. The main things that have helped are time and getting used to the big life transition. I think being open with each other is important and remembering that you are on the same team, you are not against each other but need to work together to find solutions. The feelings he has are normal in my opinion and don’t make him a terrible person.

I would recommend that you try and have some date nights to reconnect as a couple. We currently take our baby on date nights as I’m not ready to leave her but once she’s off the boob I will be leaving her with grandparents for a couple of hours. You could also do date nights at home when baby is in bed. Every now and again i stay up a little later to chat and hang out without dp for the sake of our relationship.

I totally agree with your boundary not to agree to him going away on holiday without you again this year.

Something that helped me is socialising with our families more at the weekend. It helps to fill up my social cup and makes us all feel good as a family. Pre-kids I was still at a point where weekends were all about friends so this was an adjustment but something I am so happy about now looking back!

I also think couples counselling can be really helpful to navigate this time in a healthy way. We didn’t do any but I know people who have.

The early years are so tough on a relationship! Sending love x

😂 The leaps.
The this thread has really hurt the poor ladz

@CandidRobin she’s not responsible for him acting the baby. If he didn’t want to be a father and wants to pop off with the lads whenever he wants, he should have thought with his head. The reality is, having a small baby is hard, mothers are tired from an entire 24hours of minding them and you don’t get the attention you once did or to socialise as much as you did. He’s a father now. He doesn’t come first.

He should make friends with other local fathers. Find a social life that works. He can’t fuck off on holiday abroad when he likes. And it’s not her job or his mother’s job or any other woman’s job to sort him out, placate him or give him space to have a strop.

Anyway, he’s all the space he needs after 9pm 😂 So she can’t do wrong from doing right, it seems. He has a case of the FOMOs with his 25yo pals and needs to grow tfu, pronto. Absolute immature whinge-bag.

If you’d just read her first post then I could see how you’d think she was the aggrieved party in this but if you do the ‘read all’ option and go through them then a completely different picture emerges - to the point that I wondered if this was a reverse post and the DH was the one posting because the things said are so odd taken all together.

The OP either can’t see how incompatible she and her DH are or she just assumed she could change everything about him.

She didn’t like the job he was doing when they got married because the hours kept him out late so he changed his job for her/them.

She didn’t like the busy social based life of the city.

She didn’t like most if not all of his friends because they were always active and having to do things all the time.

She loves the quiet life in the village - much happier now than she was before even with a potential split from her partner she wouldn’t mind.

She’s taking three years to be a SAHM and doesn’t want to allow any kind of baby sitter even a trusted family member like her MIL to the point she won’t even do a local date night with her spouse.

She won’t even do a semi regular at home date night with him, she has to be in bed at 9pm every night - won’t even do a Netflix and chill night with the guy.

He’s working full time, commuting to London, doing all bathtimes during the week, all night wakings at the weekend, dedicating all weekends to the family. But not allowed to have any adult time with his wife.

He moved to the village but now it’s clear it’s not working for him - he couldn’t have known till he moved but the ‘pool’ of potential friends for him there isn’t what works for him.

He had one weekend away in the summer and wanted one weekend in the autumn for a sporting event that was important to him. That’s not a massive ask. I’m sure he’d be happy to facilitate a couple of weekends away for the OP if she wanted them.

OP has stated that she thinks the norm of family life is for the parents to have no outside interests or friends or activities that are not centered around the child and that adults who live outside cities all go to bed together at 9pm each night - for the rest of their lives!!! Not during the first few newborn months! For the rest of their lives!

I really hope she’s not reading here, it’s been one of the worst pile-ons I’ve seen, it’s disgusting.

Ah. this makes sense.

But even still parenting does mean not being subsumed by your children. You can and should have a life outside of them

you need to find a compromise asap

I think the Pp who said you shouldn't give up work right now is correct. Are you quitting altogether or going on some type of career break? I also wonder if going back to work would help restore some balance in your relationship.

It's ok to struggle with early parenthood (I did, I had shorter maternity leaves and really made sure I had my own friends and interests). Why don't you move back into London again? You might end up feeling like you both get a bit more of a balanced life. DH and I have always both done weekends away etc- those relationships independent of your child are so very important. Most of the early 'mum friend' relationships will drift away over time as well as people go back to work or have their second on different timetables.

I also think you've got quite a rigid idea of what's 'best' for a child- living in the countryside, family days out (an 11mo doesn't care about this, they could be anywhere). It sounds like you both need a conversation about what sort of life you want and you both need to flex a bit. You'll also find that over the next few years your DH will find his mates start settling down and will go out less- the early 30s are such a transition time in groups.

The problem you have here that you don't seem to be seeing is that while the pregnancy became a happy accident for you, your husband wasn't and still isn't ready to be a father. He asked about an abortion which should have been your first red flag. He has done the dad duty and put his life on hold to have the baby when you have went into mama bear mode - he has moved, he commutes, he shares baby related stuff, he has changed jobs to have less of a socialising element. He has done everything he has been asked but he is loosing himself. He is literally telling you he is unhappy and your response is to suck it up because you have a baby. If you keep going this was, it will end with you and the baby only. You need to find a way to compromise. Having a baby is hard on both parents, there is a period of adjustment for both but it sounds to me that as a consequence of the baby, he has had to unwilling give up his life. I'm not suggesting he should be away every other weekend but if socialising is his thing (and would appear to be part of the job), could he not work and stay in London. Say Monday morning to Thursday evening, your mil looks after baby for an hour or two while you pop down the village pub for dinner just the two of you and then you have your weekends together? That way he has time with his friends and is less likely to end your marriage. Baby is close on hand if your anxiety gets out of hand about baby being away and you guys have the weekend to do stuff together. Neither of you are wrong in terms of you loving baby life and him mourning your old life but if you do not come up with a workable compromise, you are going to loose your husband. Only you can decide if you care enough to stop that happening (purely selfishly, if he goes, you will need to get on board with not having you son for days or weeks at a time - that will not be fun). Good luck

The sooner you invoolve MIL into your son's life more regularly, the sooner she will understand and cope very well with your routine. That will be a Godsend for you all.

To have a trusted person able to care for DS for a couple of hours every fortnight will give you flexibility.
To take DS out more as you and DH socialise will also give you more flex time together.

I read them all, several times, to make sure I was being accurate in my responses.

It really is. Absolutely shameful!

And you still think she’s the reasonable one? Because the more I read them the more I assume it’s a troll for the sake of producing an outrage thread because she’s being so wildly unreasonable that it can’t be a real person. Or it’s a reverse with an exaggerated take by the DH.

OP what everyone is picking up on is the tone in your replies. Its incredibly dismissive of your husbands feelings, almost as though you don't care. If you do care you need to listen to him and help.
If you were the one telling him you were depressed wouldn't you want him to listen and care?
You need to make time for your relationship or its going to fizzle out.

I don't think he has depression, I think he's the first of his mates tp have a baby and he has FOMO and is missing his old life.
But unless he walks out on his family, that life is gone now and he needs to make the adjustment is he's serious about being a good husband and father.

You were bothered that your DH's work friend didn't want to hold your baby? Why on earth would his childfree friends care about your baby? They probably view your baby as a burden who has taken their mate away who is resigned to a life in the sticks. I don't understand why you didn't move somewhere in the suburbs with easy train links to London i.e Kingston/Surbiton/Twickenham/the surrounding areas.

That's what I think about a lot of these responses, there's no way they really think that what they're saying is right or normal.

Let him live in London for half the week just because he loves socialising isn't a reasonable or normal compromise, that would be relationship ending for lots of people if their partner wanted or expected to do that.

And then when he gets home she has to prioritise his needs as well and do exactly what he wants to keep him happy just so that he can tolerate family life....

He’s moved from the BIG city to a village, he’s got a long commute daily and comes home to bathing the baby, no intimacy, and sitting alone until it all starts again the next day. Meanwhile you are on maternity leave, able to use the day to embed new friendships and then go to bed early. It sounds like he’s checking out OP. He’s very much told you this. I’m not sure a week alone will cut it, he will want more than a week next time.

Struggling because he isn't mature enough to be a daddy. I was sad reading this. Your poor son , and you. He is just pining after a life he doesn't have anymore, be careful...