DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I think some people posting just generally despise men

Moving from central London to a village is a colossal leap and I’m not surprised he’s finding it hard. Coupled with an unplanned baby and being the first of his group to have kids - I have a lot of sympathy for him. Any of those things on their own are hard.

You haven’t left your almost one year old for more than an hour?
You do seem to have been completely engulfed by parenthood. Can’t you stay up a bit longer in the evening? Do you not want to see your husband in the evening? And have a nap during the day when the child is napping.
You are becoming ships in the night, this is your warning from your husband. No companionship, no intimacy. It would make me miserable too. Put the work in your marriage if you want things to work out.

It doesn’t sound like OP has asked for, or even wants, time to herself though.

OP, he can’t just opt out of parenting (and substitute his mother in), and his life can’t just be the same as before, but it sounds like the ask of a week on his own is a big alarm ringing and not the norm.

You might not want time to yourself, nights out with friends, trips to the gym. But he does and that’s not unseasonable.

Could he book, say, a Wednesday night in a hotel or at a friend’s place in London each week? He can go out after work, see his friends.

The couples I know who have adjusted best to parenthood and have thriving relationships are those where they split parenting fairly, make time for each other, and maintain their own interests - she goes to running club on Mondays, he goes to pub quiz on Tuesdays, they both get nights out with their friends every few weeks.

I think he needs to grow up a bit and realise he’s a dad now and your life does change, you can’t just go out whenever you feel like it. I’d be quite annoyed he wants to go stay in a hotel without you for a week, if my husband wants his mum to look after our kids he would prioritise me and him spending alone time together!

You took an city dude who loved socializing and little trips and just that city lifestyle and buzz and moved to a village away from his friends and a lot of activities and he is lonely and uprooted and bored. Fatherhood isn't a substitute. I get where he's coming from. I'm a city person and I know I would not do well in a village. I'd be pretty miserable.

This isn't just a refusal to grow up. He can't change who he is, that social guy that enjoys the big city energy and constantly on the go. You've adapted to the change in area, lifestyle, and friends. He hasn't. You're happy, he's unhappy.

A week back on his old stomping grounds isn't going to cut it. It isn't fair to leave you and the baby for a week here and a week there so he can live his former lifestyle while you function as a single parent. For him, it would be like a teasing look at how he really wants to live.

A guy who thrived on doing things and socializing stuck with nothing to do and after 9 at night you're in bed? At the bottom of it, you're incompatible. I think the only way this could possibly work is yes, move closer to the city. But that's yet another move and there's no guarantee that things will improve.

I think this is a bit worrying for the relationship OP.

It seems you have no quality of time for each other, I think you need to bite the bullet of leaving DS with someone you trust (perhaps reciprocal babysitting) and start getting out at least once a week in the evening together.

It was a bit drastic to leave London so quickly, have you discussed the possibility of moving back, or at least moving closer?

I wouldn’t agree to his suggestion, but perhaps some couples counselling would help, because otherwise (sorry OP) it seems like he is considering leaving.

There’s an active thread on here right now from a husband whose wife is obviously not in love with him; they have no intimacy, sleep separately, and don’t have sex.

That’s where this is headed if you don’t find it in you to at least go for a drink with your husband and talk to him; he’s unhappy and looking to communicate with you about it.

Do you feel comfortable with the idea of your marriage ending and your child having to split his time between homes?
That’s what’s going to happen if you don’t make effort to get your relationship back on track.

Your child is nearly 1. Have a day when it's the four of you together, so he can bond with his grandma, then the next day go out for a lunch and a walk with your husband. He is getting a lot of criticism here but it sounds like he's lonely and missing connection, both with you and with his friends. Yes you could tell him to suck it up like some of the posters are suggesting, but I don't see how that will help you reconnect and facilitate communication.

I'm afraid OP you made the same mistake as so many women. You pressed ahead with a baby whilst knowing that your DH wasn't fully on board. Then you hoped he'd be spell bound by fatherhood and domesticity, just like in the movies. Did the pill really fail? The percentage of failure is miniscule. Personally I don't blame him at his age for missing his former life.

YANBU in that his mum coming for a week won't help. But look at it from his point of view. You are on mat leave, looking at a career break, with new friends you are spending social time with. He commutes, comes home and you go to sleep and he's sat on his own.

On balance it seems you have a lot more opportunity to socialise in the day and he has not much social time at all. Loneliness can definitely contribute to depression.

Yes making new friends would be good but if he does like his friends he will miss them.

Why don't you get your MIL to babysit and go and meet up with some couples of your new friends? Or have people over for lunch with their partners and kids? It's OK to leave an 11 month old with a family member.

Well actually, I don’t think he has to put up with this. In fact I’d say it’s likely OP will end up being divorced whilst he goes on to live the life he wants.

Yes, one week isn’t going to change their relationship. But I think OP’s husband is just trying to test the waters before formally ending the relationship. He probably hasn’t totally decided if he wants out yet, but logically to anyone looking in, this relationship has no longevity.

You need to make time for yourself & your husband. Yes your a mum & its lovely, but your relationship is failing.

Maybe move back to or nearer to London?

Kids don’t actually need a garden. What they need is happy parents. And growing up in London offers so much for kids.

if he stays this unhappy, the resentment will eat away and likely split you up.

I think he sounds a little immature for his age. Early 30s is not young to have a baby at all, it’s a normal age. But he has young friends in their mid twenties as opposed to friends his own age so of course their lives are very different. I appreciate it’s a big jump to go from a city to a village and with commuting as well, it can’t be easy. Is there a possibility in the future to meet half way and live closer to the city but in a smaller house/flat so his commute is less and he can still see his friends at times?

What you said about finding more dad friends, to me, was a perfectly reasonable solution so he can socialise with others who are going through the same things

This is silly advice. Friends aren't interchangeable and he doesn't want new friends to go to the park with. I never made a single real 'mum friend' - I had other mums I met up with when our babies were young but none of them stuck around- my friends are those I have either known for many years before having a baby or ones I've made unrelated to my role as a parent. He wants to spend time with his actual friends, and also spend some time with his wife. It's not a big ask. But OP doesn't want to leave baby with anyone or seemingly look after him by herself for a long weekend, so neither of those things can happen.

He'll get over it

Your marriage is in danger. Your dh might not realise it and you might not, but you are on track to break up.

So don’t give up your job and become a SAHM, if something doesn’t give you’ll be a single mother, better be an employed one than an unemployed one. Better to be a divorcing couple with savings than a divorcing couple who’ve spent their savings covering a SAHM.

I would look at two thing, either you find a way to give DH some of his old life back or find a way to help him make friend at this life stage. You’ve found local friends at the same life stage via baby groups, do you ever meet up with husbands so he could start building his network or does he never get to socialise locally? Could you go back to work 4 days and dh work 4 days a week with baby only needing 3 days childcare, but would push dh to do the baby groups etc and get to know people locally.

Or for old life- could you move back to London? Might mean a smaller property and both working to cover it, but might give him the chance to see friends after work/have friends over once baby is in bed etc.

He may well leave instead

Exactly. I’m confused as to why some posters are naive to breaking up and divorce. How many threads do we see about single mums, split parenting and step families etc. it’s like some people think OP is immune to that.

I think that for the sake of your relationship you might need to bite the bullet. If you are never getting away from the baby it becomes harder and harder to be a couple.

You could try a couple of hours first, just a lunch out somewhere local and a short walk after, with no conversation about DS. Maybe a couple of hours in the city for cocktails and mini-golf or whatever sounds fun to you that you can do in a2-3 hours and build up from there.

Being a mum is wonderful, but it’s not everything, you are also a partner / wife and your own person, and it’s a tough balancing act sometimes.

I don't blame him for being depressed tbh. It's a big enough change to have a baby, but to also move to a village is really tough. It's easier for you because you have made friends, get to socialise and get to spend the day with your baby. He's commuting, working and not getting any downtime with his friends.

I personally think you should have deferred the village living until you needed to - (I would also go stir crazy in a village). I actually don't think he's unreasonable! Can you find a way for him to regularly socialise with his friends? Can he stay later or at one of their houses once a week? Then he doesn't need to take a week off.

I also don't understand why you need to get someone to help while he's away - can you not manage on your own?

I think you’re out of touch. I’m in my 20s and people in their 30s in London aren’t necessarily rushing to have babies, let alone to give up sex completely.

I don’t think his mum coming for a week is the solution, but I sympathise with your DH. I would hate the life you have described that he now has. Yes things changed and slowed down after I had a baby, but we stayed in London and kept a life. He has none.

You need to consider a longer term solution which works for both of you.