DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

Think a lot of the responses are a bit unfair.

its completely understandable that he feels the way he does! What you describe is a tricky dynamic if he’s the only one of his friend group experiencing this & having to leave early or catch the last train when the fun is just getting started DOES suck.

completely different for OP if she has made mum friends and built a community in their village.

suggestions:

1. Night out once per month when he books a hotel in London and can stay out all night
2. Additional night out one per month with BOTH of you when you do the same in London and can remember your old selves / what drew you together. Will be a nice thing to look forward to each month
3. Try to do double dates with some of the mum friends who have partners at your village pub or other spots that he might like / meet some new people locally

The DH had every opportunity to assess the impact of moving to the new area. It's a bit late whinging about it after they've moved.

What a stupid thing to say. Loads of people regardless of gender struggle with a big move regardless of how much they have prepared for it.

I didn’t like being away from my baby, but I did remember I was still married! Your poor husband. Give him some time and attention and arrange a date with him. You’re off sex? Men need sex (shocking news to some people on here). If you initiate it occasionally, it will make a difference for him to feel wanted, therefore will have a positive benefit to you too. I think some women forget that.
He has been replaced in your life by a baby. Yes it’s his baby too, but he still knows he is now in second place. You should be parenting together and that means you consider your DHs needs as well as your own - and using the “but it’s best for the baby” line can easily become manipulative to get your own way. If you want to stay married you need to start working together. Otherwise you could be on MN in a year’s time wondering why he left you………

It’s definitely not too late. I could envisage a situation where he leaves this relationship, finds someone else, moves back to the city.

If anything, I’d say if OP doesn’t take action it will be too late for this relationship to bounce back.

4.Consider moving back to London!

It is, but why do you think people leave marriages? They're unhappy, sometimes even because of decisions they were complicit in! It's all very well saying "diddums" but that isn't going to keep OP's DH around if he doesn't want to be.

But it's not just about you. If you want your marriage to survive, you need to think long-term and make the effort to keep things going with your DH, not just shove his needs and wants to one side because you have a kid.

Not leaving your baby for more than an hour in 11 months is extreme, as is consistently going to bed at 9pm and therefore spending no evenings together as a couple is also extreme and not really sustainable for anyone!

This would be hard on any relationship, you really need to spend some time together.

You're right, I've seen it on a few threads recently. What did he imagine? He hasn't really adapted to parenthood, why not?
His life is different. He chose to live in a village and have a child. The mum coming isn't going to deal with what's at the root of this. Would counselling help him?

I feel sorry for your husband, he has traded in his old friends for a very dull and unexciting life in the country, with a weary wife and a baby she won't even leave for an hour. I would encourage him to stay over at a friend's in London on Fridays so he can meet up with friends and enjoy some sort of social life. Your new life suits you, but the poor man is bored rigid. Cut him some slack.

I was going to suggest he stays over in London one night a week but then thought on what planet would me or DH expect to be going out socialising with our friends and staying overnight once a week. I think the main issue is he's comparing his life to his child free friends and ultimately he chose to become a father. There are things you could try like, a date night once a week where you do something fun like a board game or nice dinner. If he's doing the nights that night like a friday you could stay up later? On the Paris weekend I think it's important to have something to look forward to so could be go away and you have something nice you can do to look forward to like a spa day. I get being very attached to your baby but DH does need to be able to look after them on his own and it's actually really important that he learns this for equality in the house moving forward. On the village location, I'd have a chat and ask him if he can make the effort to settle in for the next year and you'll review location after that.

What did he imagine? He hasn't really adapted to parenthood, why not?

I struggled to adapt to parenthood, is it unusual? And my version of parenthood wasn't like the OPs

I can see this from both perspectives and sympathise. After our DD was born I was very much in 'we're parents before anything' mode and lost myself. Me and my partner argued about this as he said we can still be parents and enjoy ourselves but I didn't see it. Fast forward to now, our DD is 2 and we have bought our first house in a village - I thought it was everything I wanted but a few months in I suddenly feel like 'this is it' now and am really struggling. I'm just starting to feel like me again since becoming a parent and now I feel flat at the prospect of my life now just being the mum routine and sorting the house, whilst working to pay for the mortgage. I know it's normal life, but I can empathise with how he is feeling but I'm not sure on advice as I am looking for that myself. Taking him up on the offer of his mum coming over would be great but I would want to do something in that time just me and my partner having fun.

I would be interested to know what his reaction would be if you suggested you stay somewhere for a week together, being able to go out with your own friends (separately), while your MIL looks after the baby.

I'm not saying you should do this, I just think his reaction would be telling.

And what good do you think that would do … what a ridiculous an answer. The OP is a stay at home Mum who is happy with her life, her OH is clearly struggling and you think a sarcastic retort is the right answer!
OP I think you need to listen to your husband as you are in danger of your marriage failing. Surely you can stay up after 9.00 pm, you are young and I assume fit and able yet you’re sounding like an old woman. No wonder he’s fed up and missing his social life, why can’t he have gone away on another weekend, would it really have been that much of a big deal. I really don’t understand why some mothers make such a big deal about everything, and are so exhausted. There are plenty of mothers who fit in a full time job with multiple children. It sounds like all work and no play for him at the minute … the fact he has asked for time away for a week speaks volumes.

You and DH have very different needs and preferences. You don't miss your London friends as you've easily made new ones, DH feels his old friends are irreplaceable. My feelings are similar to his and for me, moving (less drastically) out of London was a HUGE change, and would have been really jarring at the same time as having my first child.

Right now, DH's "need" to spend leisure time with his old friends IS different from your social needs, which are largely being met where you are. As he's going in 3 days a week, why not maximise that - not staying out until 3 AM every day he's there, obviously, but perhaps an occasional pre-planned stay with a friend on a Friday night? And why not a second trip to Paris, if money's not a problem? And maybe you don't want a week away with friends, but perhaps just a weekend, an overnight, even a regular day or morning or afternoon "off"? Instead of trying to make things as equal or strictly "fair" as possible, figure out how to get what each of you needs. If you're already mostly happy, help him focus on what he needs to have change to make him happier IN THE CONTEXT OF being a dad and a husband and living (at least for now) where you do.

If DH is he telecommuting two days a week (since he only goes in to work 3), can the two of you carve out some time together on those days, and on the weekends, as well as some time when he's with the baby and you're "free" for a bit? Maybe he can even telecommute a third day? While he doesn't want to replace his old friends, having some casual local pals for a chat, walk with the kids, visit to the park or soft play or whatever isn't a bad idea to make him feel less isolated. Also, an 11 month old can definitely stay with another responsible adult for several hours (most families have no choice) or even a few days - can you start identifying possible carers and consciously building up to that now so you and DH can have some adult time together on a regular basis?

God if my son was to ask me to come and stay with my DIL and Grandchild for a week while he gets some space he would be getting a talking to!

I don’t understand why he couldn’t go to Paris with his friends again unless money was the issue?
As long as there is a balance and you are also able to do what gives you fulfilment then I wouldn’t have stopped him from going or said it was unfair.
My DH and I are very different people, I often joke we have nothing in common, but our differences mean that together we compliment each other. I’m an introvert, he’s an extrovert and enjoys going out etc when our children were small he went away with his friends a few times in one year for various things. I wouldn’t have dreamt of saying no, he’s a hands on Dad and pulls his weight and earns his own money.
If I had wanted to go away he would have waved me off and held the fort just as I did.
My opinion is probably an unpopular one but I get why he’s miserable, you’ve made a new circle of friends and seem to be happy, he isn’t and stopping him from going away seems unfair without a massive back story especially as you are the one that doesn’t want to leave your child with anyone.

The baby years seem endless but are over in a flash. From the other side anyway. My 2 are grown up.

It sounds OP that your DH is sinking in the life of endless drudgery and lack of fun that his life now is . He. Ant see light at the end of the tunnel .

You like your life. He doesn’t

You need to talk, and really listen to what he says. I think you taking years off work is a luxury that you may need to re consider. It puts you in a weak position financially and a lot of stress on your husband to keep it all afloat.

Being a single parent to a tiny child is no picnic. Time to face reality I think , if you want to stay married start acting like you do.

@RudyTuesday24 I think it's a very normal feeling for many women. That's why I don't understand the posters saying tough luck!

It's you who is not being very helpful.
Since when did becoming a mother mean the baby's father had to sacrifice everything and all his needs and feelings to his partner?
Her needs and feeling seem perfectly well served.
Such a nasty, heartless and obnoxious post

It sounds as though you need time as a couple and not in parent mode. Even if it’s just a few hours in the afternoon, having some lunch and a walk somewhere.
Let his grandparents have some fun time with their grandchild (they both would benefit from this)

Also if I was in your husbands shoes I would be utterly miserable. Commuting 3 hours, coming home, seeing my little one for a little/bath/story/bed. Then you going to bed shortly after. No sitting/cuddling on the sofa together/talking and reconnecting……then at weekends doing the overnights…which can be lonely and then the cycle repeats. As you’ve said you’ve made new friends and are happy with that. He hasn’t and doesn’t want to make new friends (which I understand I didn’t change friends because I became a parent).

Something has got to change…….this is his way of saying it. He isn’t an absent parent, he does his fair share. It doesn’t sound as though it’s parenthood that’s bothering him. It’s other factors.

Im 5 years down the line from you. In the very early days…yes we went to bed early just to sleep as she was feeding every hour and a half but by 12 weeks she was downstairs with us asleep and we carried her up when we went to bed. But we had those evenings together sharing a meal/chatting/connecting.

I don't think it's unusual. I think it's a massive change for most people and you just learn to adapt as you go along. Usually the love for your child helps deal with this. He seems very unhappy and the child is now 11 months, so I think there's more going on.

I doubt a week's break from his adult responsibilities as a husband and father will make a real difference. I'd resent it, if I'm honest, but if I got on well with his mother I'd consider 'allowing' it once, but he needs to accept that his life will still be here waiting for him when he returns, and he can't just repeatedly run off and leave you and his mummy to handle it alone.

I'd be hurt that his solution and plan for finding happiness is to run away from his family, even if only for a week. Lots of people become parents much younger than he has, without it being planned. It's life. You step up and deal with it.

This is a bad idea. Your relationship is on the rocks. I have been in your shoes. Exact same issues. If you don't go back to work you effectively trap both of yourselves completely. You won't be able to move to where you want to move, splitting will be financially impossible and you will be reliant on him for all your financial needs.
To be hoenst, parenting is lonely and stressful but it sounds like he ultimately wants to be on his own again. If he walked out what would you do? It sounds like the thing about getting his mum to come is a cowards way of making the first step towards the exit. Protect yourself and get back to work.