DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I feel for your DH- yes you have a child now and he has responsibilities that he shouldn't walk away from (although a reminder that he can, whenever he likes!), but you seem to be acting as though the only options were a child free party social lifestyle in London or bedtime and sitting at home along every single night after 9pm in a village. There is a whole spectrum in between!

If you'd stayed closer to London he'd have had more chance to see his friends, and maybe wouldn't feel as detached from that and therefore despondent with your life.

I agree with PP he is telling you he is unhappy and it is now down to you to make time to listen to him. Telling him to put up won't work forever.

I agree it sounds like he doesn’t want to do the whole dad/husband thing anymore but I don’t know what you mean by “put up with this”? OP hasn’t done anything wrong, she’s became a mum and rightfully so is putting her child’s needs first. Dad simply doesn’t want the responsibility of that and doesn’t appear to want to support his postpartum wife anymore.

Wow pretty shocked at alot of the replies on here. I dont think telling OP to sell up and move back to London is particularly helpful or realistic in the short term. OP will have weigh it all up- sell up in the village move to a flat in London. I think things will change as your baby gets older and when you are more comfortable having a babysitter. It's still early days. DH needs to make an effort to meet people. Or come up with a solution. If moving is unrealistic maybe he can spend 1 night a week in London. But he needs to accept that when you have a family you need to prioritise them over your friends. It's part of growing up. Before we had kids we went out in London at least once a week, ate out 3 times a week. It's just not possible to maintain that when you have a family.

You are in a particularly difficult time in life. A baby, especially one that was not planned is a real shock to the system. Life has been turned on its head for both of you. It does get better.

I do admire that you are concerned with your partners feelings rather than just thinking that he is incredibly selfish (which is probably what I would have done!). Call his mum. See if she can help for a week and see how it goes from there. It may just turn out that he is a knob, but a break may be what you both need

Sounds like the move was a mistake. I don't agree that life would be the same wherever you live - it would be easier to keep up with friends, which for him sounds important. If it's one of the things that keeps him happy, sane, and then better able to do his job and participate in family life, I wouldn't downplay it.

Just because they’re not rushing to have babies, doesn’t make early 30s young to have a baby.

I am in my 30s myself. I wouldn’t consider anyone in their 30s a young parent of a baby. They’re edging towards older parent if anything.

the sex issue is, of course, a completely different matter.

We left the UK when DH job moved to another country. He went first and then DS and I followed. We all had to start from scratch in terms of friends etc. At first, it was easiest for DH; his job and colleagues were the same (we ensured his commute was short). It was very much us 3 alone at first; our little family unit, with us waiting for DH when he got back from work. Your family unit seems to be you and your child, and you bugger off to bed early, leaving your husband on his own each evening, having spent his day working and commuting. He must feel very lonely.

Now, it’s more DS and I who have established friendships and a social life. DH has his hobbies and is happy, and socialises with my friends’ husbands etc, but I would never deny him any trips back to the UK to catch up with friends, or to his home country to see family. Equally, he doesn’t deny me taking DS back to the UK so we can have a catch up with our old mates. This weekend, we’re both headed to our respective home countries for a visit.

I really don’t see why you wouldn’t let him have his weekend away, tbh.

Also think if your DH friends haven't had kids yet, it's probably quite hard being the first. All these things will change.

There’s more than one way to become a mum - or dad - though. It’s not inevitable that OP will have no interest in maintaining her own interests, or her relationship with her husband. She simply doesn’t seem to want to. Of course neither of them should be expecting to still be out every night, but just because she never wants to go out to book group on. Friday night, or hiking on her own on a Sunday, doesn’t mean he must stay in, essentially alone, every night.

I think it was quite selfish of you to say no to his second weekend away. Why do you get to dictate to him? It's not tit for tat. I would never stop my partner from taking an opportunity just because I haven't got the same opportunity.

I also think you should be alternating the weekend wake ups. He works all week, so do you (as a mum) - at the moment, you're getting the weekends off but he's not?

Sounds like your marriage is in jeopardy and you need to be focussing on it. At least once a week stay up later and have dinner and watch a film. Invite friends to come stay for the weekend. Get your baby used to being looked after by other people so your MIL can look after him whilst you go out.

Does your village have a pub? Start going in at the weekends with the kid so he can meet some people there. He could pop in for a pint when you've gone to bed.

You need to examine your disinterest in having sex too. There are actions you can take to re-engage that side of your life. I suspect if he got even a blowjob every week he'd be much happier about the long commute.

Or maybe she’s a bit knackered less than a year in.

I often think that if we had not gone into the quiet life of a commutable place when we were in our twenties, we wouldn’t have ended divorced. We moved back to where things happen but by then the relationship had eroded so much, there was simply no way back.

i don’t think this is one to tell him just to suck it up, talking to him about finding a middle ground and how to get there for real may be the best option.

From what you have written it sounds to me like he misses you as well as his old life. Do you have anyone you'd be happy to leave DS with for an evening?

It's fine to want to be the best mother you can be that in itself is not an issue but if you lose yourself along the way you're doing yourself (and your husband) a disservice.

This.

Use any time mum can help to reconnect in your relationship. Date night together.

Op <gently> he is an affair waiting to happen once an enthusiastic third party is on the scene if they arent already. His week in a hotel being the ideal opportunity.

Let granny babysit and invest a bit in your relationship. I know you say you aren't happy to leave the dc yet but I'd really get past that and trust the dgp for the sake of your relationship.

I didn’t say 30s are too young for kids. You missed my point. It’s normal for young adults in London to be on a different “life schedule” than those in villages. In London it’s normal to not settle down for longer. Whereas there might be more peer pressure for the same age bracket to settle down asap in villages and have children in their 20s etc. That stigma isn’t really present in London where it’s seen as rational to wait before having kids as opposed to being an “old parent”.

I’d keep an eye on the increased phone use, OP.

I get the impression you feel there could be an OW, or with all his commuting, he has prime opportunities for using escorts etc as he isn’t getting any at home.

You need to give your husband some attention. Not being away from your son for more than an hour in 11 months?? Gosh. Have you not spent ANY time together as a couple without your DS? You need to!

Really, really listen to what he is saying. I'm divorced and I'm not here to say I hate men - I'm here to say this sounds dangerous. This sort of period of time was the beginning of the end for my marriage. I was more fulfilled by parenthood than my ex-H was, he didn't enjoy or appreciate the lifestyle change, and he filled that gap by partying after work and, eventually dating young girls from the office. In our case he didn't even come home and do bath time either, at least yours does that. But if he feels disconnected from you - for most men this is the DEATH of a relationship. He can and will find connection and attention elsewhere. If you still want him then you have to meet him halfway - stay up later, talk, be intimate.

What makes me the most scared is that he wants to use his mum coming as a chance for HIM to go out and get space, not to reconnect with YOU. That is preparation for life as a single man, not what a committed husband does to try to rekindle things with his wife. You need to act to save your marriage if that's what you want.

IMHO a lot of men think they want to be dads but aren't prepared for the reality of it. Perhaps this is even more true for an unplanned pregnancy. It doesn't have to be over but you do need to heed this, it's a warning.

He could just end up divorcing her.

“AmyDuPlantier · Today 15:38

your son is almost one and well able to survive being looked after by a relative. Your husband is miserable. Your relationship seems to be in trouble.
Maybe prioritise here? Put your DH first for a bit. I can understand why he feels as he does; small town life has not been for me and now the kids are older I am heading back to live in a city.
He’s bored and lonely, I think maybe a night away from the baby is worth the sacrifice for this man that you love.”

This with bells on.

Many of us posting have had babies and been through these early years. We understand that baby comes first but that’s not a licence to completely neglect your husband. This is not the immediate aftermath of the birth. Your LO is nearly 1. Many of us are back at work by then; you’re still on mat leave and able to have some rest during the day. Emotional and sexual intimacy are important in a marriage and you’re ignoring your husband’s wish for both because all your emotional needs are being met by motherhood and your social group of new mums.

You’ve brought an additional tiny human into the world - you owe it to them to nurture the relationship between their parents also. Your baby is absolutely old enough to be left with a loving and responsible adults such as a grandparent for a while, at least long enough for you and your husband to have an evening out and quite possibly overnights (we had left each of our children for an overnight by the time they were 11 months).

And i agree with the PP who has alarm bells ringing at his proposal that his mum come to stay so he can stay in London. The natural thing would be for you and him to grab a date or even a night away.

There a wake-up call for you here, OP; otherwise you risk sleepwalking into marital breakdown.

It's clear that your husband is struggling with the enormity of the changes that having a baby brings.
I don't think the answer lies in his mum coming to stay.
Could you get a babysitter to enable you to go out for a meal to enable you to have a much needed conversation with him.
Many parents struggle with the changes

It’s tough because life
has changed. He may need to spend more time with his new dad friends and
building stronger connections there.

It’s good he’s talking to you about how he feels. Getting his mum up for a week isn’t a good suggestion but if you could have afforded him going away with his friends he should have done it and you could stay up later than 9 and you could think about sex and when that’ll be on the cards again. The status quo is working for you but it’s clearly not working for him and I’d feel upset if DH never wanted to spend time with me in the evenings, and we had crap sleepers so I do completely get that. Adult conversation and sex were two of the things that made me feel like I was still me and we were still us rather than just mum and dad.

Before you had your baby he was the man you chose to be your husband, the person you wanted to spend your life and your future with. When your kids have grown up and left home you want your husband to still be there sharing your life, your plans, to still know him and enjoy his company. Yes the early years can be rough but be in them together, he’s your partner not your enemy. Invest in your marriage or it’ll die while you're looking the other way. That won’t be for the best for your child.