DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I think he could be spending a lot of time on his phone checking Rightmove and the week in London could be house hunting.

@Cachall Wishing someone’s husband cheats on them isn’t as savage as you hope it sounds love, it’s a confession. A confession that you’ve either been the side piece, been cheated on or you are so starved of attention that hurting someone feels like a win. Either way, it reeks of insecurity!

If you cared about DS’ wellbeing, you wouldn’t drive his father away.

Your son needs his dad even though you’ve got bored.

If I were his mum, i'd be fostering a good relationship with OP so I got to see my grandchild after a split, but i'd be encouraging my child to leave.

Maybe he's told his mum how bad things are and she's coming to see for herself?

I don’t want to be away from DS, that’s a non-negotiable for me right now and I won’t compromise on that.

I guess the thought of the marriage ending doesn’t scare me very much

These are not compatible statements for a woman who isnt independently wealthy and wants to stay at home for 3 years

Do you know how pathetically low child maintenance is?

from your own description there is no room for your husband within your marriage and you are consumed with your child.

Serious question (and I'm a reasonably happy married woman of a 1 and 3 yr old so I get it)
What is your big plan for when your marriage fails?
Because you are going to need one.

Wow…. Just caught up on your posts and… without wanting to sound rude…. your view of a “normal family life” is completely warped. None of what you describe is normal or usual.

I’ve always felt I was somewhat mollycoddled as a kid, wasn’t often away from my mum, but even I’m stunned by your description of your life. The way your mother was woven into every single second of your existence… home, school, even brownies…. that’s not healthy at all and is likely to lead to issues. I used to get separation anxiety as a child because my mum was generally always around for me, yet I went to school and brownies on my own!

It’s also not healthy for your entire life and every decision to make to be solely about your child. Your own life doesn’t suddenly stop, parents still have to do things for themselves and live their life. Can’t think of anything more depressing than my life just stopping because of having a baby.

As for being “under the impression that everyone who lives outside of a city is in bed by 9pm” 🤣 I don’t even know where to start with that, I really don’t! 🙈

i get the solo nights out and occasional weekend away but four weeks of solo holidays is bonkers. Why can’t you and DS go too? If it’s choice fair enough but don’t see a reason why you can’t holiday with a 14m old

As for being “under the impression that everyone who lives outside of a city is in bed by 9pm” 🤣 I don’t even know where to start with that, I really don’t! 🙈

Rural dweller here, still not in bed!

Agree with this

“Maybe it’s just me but I believe when you have children you commit to them fully, they become the singular priority and every decision made should have a positive impact on them. Yes it may not be exactly how you want things but if it’s best for the child that’s what happens.”

This is disingenuous, OP. You’ve actually got exactly the set-up you wanted and don’t seem bothered that it doesn’t work at all for your DH.

Family-centred parenting is best. Your child is part of your family. You, your DH and your child are a family of 3. Of course, loving parents prioritise their DCs but actually part of prioritising your child involves nourishing the relationship between the parents. You’ve said your DH is an active and engaged father. You’ve stopped your DH going away for a weekend in Paris on the basis your son shouldn’t have to miss him at the weekend but then you casually say you’re not that bothered if you split up with the husband who’s done everything you wanted him to do (whilst still planning to be an SAHM for 3 years). Do you really think it’s best for your DS if you and your DH split up? Do you see the contradictions there?

OP, your thinking has got very skewed and you’re actually being quite selfish.

This isn’t about what’s best for your child. It suits you to use motherhood as a means to avoid emotional and sexual intimacy with your DH. It wouldn’t be in your baby’s interests to live away from a loving and engaged father 50% of the time, any more than it’s in your baby’s interests to live away from you 50% of the time.

I’m actually wondering if you have undiagnosed PND.

Wow there is just so much going on here. Can you not see that you staying at home, completely refusing to be separated from your ds while in a rural village and going to bed at 9 every night ....while your dh works full time and commutes and sits alone of any evening is not a good married life. You absolutely do not have to devote every waking minute to your child and if you do you will regret this..in 12 years time he will be a fully fledged teen and it is soo different. You need to consider your dh needs too and get talking to someone as this isn't healthy.

Why? No, I'm not a bloke. I just think the OP should see it from her DH's POV.

I believe when you have children you commit to them fully, they become the singular priority and every decision made should have a positive impact on them.

No, the baby's needs are the top priority but they can't be the only priority. Most marriages need more than that to survive. The adults still have needs as individuals and as a couple and what makes you (and your parents) happy wouldn't meet many people's needs, not for very long anyway.

Growing up I was never away from my parents other than school, my mum was a TA so around any time I wasn’t at school. My dad never really went to the pub or out with friends, he came home every night and both my parents were in bed by 9pm, even when I was a teen and up later than them!

I was under the impression this was pretty standard for families who weren’t living in cities.

Um no, that amount of isolation is unusual. Even a bit odd.

And if that's really all you want from life then I don't think your husband will be around much longer. They say "every pot has its lid" but you may struggle to find a man who really wants to live the way you do or would even tolerate it for long.

Well not every day, but surely it's not healthy to be staying in all the time with a baby, and no social life at all? I mean, the OP won't even let her MIL look after their child.

Your husband's miserable and lonely. Your sociable party lover city boy has been uprooted from his natural habitat and buried in the country where he feels out of place.

He didn't want this child - even asked you to terminate his own baby.

So he could go on partying.

Now he's resentful of the demands of being a grown up, of the changes that parenthood bring.

Reminding himself of the fun life he used to live. Before.

I'm sorry to say I think he may be taking his first steps out.

Please don't get pregnant in the hope it will settle him down - it won't.

You need to move back to London.
What are your plans when your maternity leave ends?
Village life is not for you, if you want your marriage to last you need to move back to your old life.

Sorry OP but I don’t think you’re being very fair to your partner. It sounds like you’re happy with how life is for you and you’re not at all sympathetic to him not enjoying it. I know how consuming it is to have children but you do also have to work on your relationship.

If you’re really not bothered by the thought of splitting up, maybe have a think about how that will work in reality. You don’t want to be apart from baby but if you end up having to hand him over for weekends will you be ok with that? You mentioned staying at home for a few years but will you be able to do that as a single parent? What about keeping the home you’re in?

I don’t necessarily think you should make huge changes just to suit him (like moving back to London) but I do think you should make more effort with the small things. Going to bed at 9pm every night would affect most marriages, but especially if he’s cut off from his friends/anything social and has no option than to just sit indoors while you’re in bed.

He sounds absolutely pathetic and selfish.

Also, don't have more children with him. You'll be glad in a few years by the sound of things.

I hate people assuming you have anxiety because you don’t want to leave your young baby.

Some people are just happy to actually be parents and don’t need to palm them off to others.

I would say that if you want the relationship to work you do need to put some effort in. Maybe once a fortnight you do a romantic dinner or watch a film or play a board game. It is definitely too easy to get lost in parenting and forget that you both have other needs.

I would suggest some therapy for your husband.

Friends, family, social life, it’s all important to him as it is to many married people. I agree he needs to make local friends however to help him settle. I suggest you’re more discreet and just organise weekend meet ups with your local friends plus their husbands.

Long term, if he doesn’t settle it’s best to think of a half way house, something that will offer a compromise between city and village.

Are you an only child by any chance?

You seem like the classic ‘only child of older parents’.

Your upbringing has given you a totally skewed vision of parenthood. Children should and can slot into your life - everything you do doesn’t have to revolve around them.

I think you and your DH are really mismatched.

If I were him I wouldn’t be averse to an affair to be honest.

Couples therapy ASAP!
i

I think YABU

It sounds like a miserable life for him ( and I absolutely love being on my own at home )

Sounds like he's pulling his weight with the baby too unless I've missed some complaints from you 😅

If he commutes into London 3 days a week anyway. Can he rent a room or somthinf for those 3 days? If your going to bed at 9pm anyway and don't need help with the night feeds

He could rent a room 3 nights a week, socialise with his friends whose 3 nights and come home to you and baby and enjoy fanily time

Sonthing needs to change...... you don't want him thinking single life is better

What a horrible thing to say, and it says far more about you than it does about the OP.
She's literally just a new mother who is focusing on her baby right now, her husband gets plenty of freedom but not as much as he would like due to their location and you hope he cheats on her. What a nasty thing to hope for another individual.

Yeah that’s definitely not a given and not an automatic family way of life

if you just assumed that’s how it’s going to be but never discussed with him you definitely will have mismatched expectations and source of conflict

you both will have to adjust but the emphasis is on both, as in you will have to adjust your expectations too - it’s not going to be like your parents’ life