DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

”My dad never really went to the pub or out with friends, he came home every night and both my parents were in bed by 9pm, even when I was a teen and up later than them! I was under the impression this was pretty standard for families who weren’t living in cities.”

I grew up in a small rural village and my parents were most definitely not like this. It sounds incredibly dull and is the polar opposite of the life you and DH once had. He probably feels well and truly conned, this is not what he signed up for.

(and no, having a baby does not mean you have to give up your former life. Calm it, yes… but stop altogether, no way)

@ForeverDelayedEpiphanyWhat are you on? You must be a bloke? Honestly, I had to read that twice.

I fundamentally don't think these two people are compatible, and that's the issue. He wants his old life - not realistic. OP wants the quiet, insular, family centric life her parents had - also not realistic, or at least not with her current DH, because it's not what he wants. OP isn't BU to want that life for herself, but she is BU to try to force him to settle for it if he's unhappy with it.

I think he’s tried suggestion several compromises which have been rejected and he’s now ready to see what a separation would feel like in his mind. He clearly does a lot with his baby during the evenings and weekends so wants space to really think about if he can do a separation.

OP also mentioned that shortly after they got married he changed jobs because the one he had often ended up with 3am finishes and she wasn’t happy with that.

So it feels like he’s open to compromises but needs some compromises from the OP too. The baby isn’t a newborn anymore. op talks about how happy her DH was at the beginning during the newborn stages.

Feels like he’s assumed that as their child got older then they’d be able to focus on their relationship and wider family needs.

Usually if you're married you have a partner who wants to spend time with you and socialise with you though?
I'd have been depressed if my DH was in bed by 9 every night and never wanted to go out and do anything with me without the baby.

I also said no to the second Paris trip as I don’t think it’s very fair on DS for him to miss out on a weekend with his dad.

This is utterly ridiculous verging on spiteful.

Sorry OP but you’re coming across as really inflexible and boring.

I don’t even know where to start with ‘and his work friend didn’t even hold DS’ newsflash, I have DC, I still have no interest in holding anyone else’s baby thank you and shock, I live in the countryside and am definitely not cosmopolitan/ international.

I think it’s become very obvious as this thread goes on that you’re just not that arsed if your marriage ends.

Give it a couple of months and I really think he’ll be having an affair and I can’t really blame him.

I’m sorry but it’s ridiculous that you won’t leave your nearly year old baby for a couple of hours to go for lunch/ dinner or whatever with your husband. When WILL you be okay with leaving him?

It really doesn’t sound like you and your husband are that compatible and it doesn’t seem like you’re that bothered in saving the marriage, so perhaps it’s best if you start divorce proceedings. You could move to be near your parents, but I’m not sure how that would work with your DS and custody with DH.

I wish you well, but I think you could be in for a nasty shock.

@SoCatEs you're getting a lot of comments who just cannot fathom how you are content with how you were raised and you life now. I was raised very similar to you too.

I'm glad that you've settled into motherhood well.

It's disappointing that your DH has not settled into family-life. Him asking if you'd consider abortion is disgusting, personally, if my DH uttered those words he'd be gone. It does seem that he never wanted the baby and is depressed because of how the baby has now changed his life. He wasn't ready for fatherhood or going back to country living. That's the bottom line.

Now you both need to decide how to move forward. Does he go back to London and be a single man, living it up like he desires and seeing his son EOW or does he pull himself together and count his blessings and be a good husband and father moving forward. He's clearly missing his child-free living, and wasn't ready to be a father. If I were you, I'd be utterly disappointed in him. Wanting booze and mates over his own wife and child. Utter disappointment.

Her husband gets to go out drinking every fortnight, he went away in the summer to Paris with his friends, he has been going to the gym, the OP isn't telling him he has to stay in every night and has encouraged him to try to make friends in the local area, she's told him he can invite his friends to stay, so they're not actually living her parents life, and she's not expecting her husband to either.

All of this

A few thoughts:

I agree with an earlier post that the OP actually sounds depressed and like she is trying to convince herself she is ok. The behaviour comes across as very controlling. Not once does she mention having a social network/friends, even ones with children. It sounds incredibly insular, which people in my experience do when they are depressed, or panicked about potentially losing someone.

Re. the him having female friends, men cheat anywhere if they are going to cheat. Just read the MN recent posts. It just makes OP sound insecure.

They are both young, but the OP sounds like she is treating him as some sort of sperm donor who is happy to fund her life as a SAHM, but that gravy train may very well be about to run out. The posts make her sound very uncaring, which again leads back to the depression comment. They sound cold.

If I were his mum, i'd be fostering a good relationship with OP so I got to see my grandchild after a split, but i'd be encouraging my child to leave.

If the OP isn’t working, this life where she doesn’t leave her child will probably end when her marriage ends, as she’ll likely have to go to work.

Her husband hasn't stopped it altogether though, he still goes out drinking twice a month, goes to the gym, he got to go to Paris in the summer, he has the opportunity to go out and make new friends and so on.

Well let’s hope they figure it out. I’m still not thinking that a man that is planning a trial separation when his child’s a year old is really all in though. Can’t get too sympathetic about him having to give up his job that finishes at 3am each day with a young baby either when there were alternatives.

Sure, somewhat, but just a year in is quite a dramatic response.

No the job change was after they got married but before the baby while they were still living in the city as a kid free couple.

I agree with a previous poster that they are just very very unsuited to each other in terms of what they want out of life.

Exactly this - its sounds like je wants to spend more time with his wife. And she doesn't really want to spend more time with him.

I think how you are behaving is normal for the first 12-18 months of having a child, but I think eventually it is healthy for the parents to have hobbies and interests and date nights without the kids. Otherwise ten years go by and you are just living to take your kids to their hobbies and interests without having any of your own.

I was at home with my kids for the first 6 years and we lived away from all family support. But I still found time as they got older (after a year or two) to go out to pubs, or concerts or shopping or sports. I still enjoy most of the things I enjoyed before having kids. Now mine are teenagers and I love the freedom it gives us, though we still enjoy family time whenever we can.

I think it is important to balance couple time, family time and friends/personal time. I think you both sound at opposite ends of this - you want to cocoon with the baby and do mainly family time, he still wants a bit more fun and excitement and socializing. You are full committed to quiet country life and he misses your old life and prefers that. I think you need to work on meeting in the middle a bit more.

I hope the poor bloke does have an affair, and it’s with a stunning blonde who is filth in the sack!

His life has changed now. He needs to.face up to it.
Life goes through different stages.

Many would envy whats he got. He needs to appreciate what's hes got.
Does he want to ruin everything by moaning?

@SoCatEs he has not just lost his life
he never sees his friends. His wife very clearly is full focus on child. .
He is sat alone at night and hardly has any adult time. Then on top of that no sex .

I think your marriage could already be in trouble. I now the baby is priority , however op sounds like you need to start taking time for your relationship. .

She doesn't want one. She won't be apart from her 11 month old child, won't even leave him with a grandparent. Hasn't been apart from him for more than an hour.

Her husband probably wouldn't seek social interaction from other people if his wife gave him even 1 iota of consideration and didn't leave him sitting alone each night a couple of hours after he comes home. She won't even have a conversation with him, but of course that's completely ok because she is a mother and her child will be irrevocably harmed if he doesn't remain surgically attached to her until he goes to school. His father is obviously unimportant (until he has 50% contact and she is required spend more that 1 hour away from her child)

Yeah, kinda this tbf.

Obviously life will change when you have a child, but I do think this situation is extreme. You’ve moved away from his life completely, you’ve “moved on” so to speak, but he doesn’t really have the same opportunity to do this so has lost what little social life he could have had left. On top of this, you as his partner have no time for him either and don’t even want to have sex with him. I do feel for him. I wouldn’t want to have a life purely of work and sitting alone while my partner sleeps and has no interest in me whatsoever.

Yeah poor bloke. Which I suspect you are.

The whole big home in the country with treehouse, you being the centre of your older parents lives and the world revolving around you… it’s all jolly nice but I’m agog that you’ve got to your 30s thinking that’s standard. It’s not really a great endorsement of it as a parenting approach if it’s made you so myopic. It mightn’t do your dc any harm to grow up in less of a bubble. Which he will anyway if you can’t find a compromise and end up splitting.