DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

They can be that person, but there may be consequences such as the relationship breaking down, if not at the time it could happen later on when resentment sets in.

I just really think women should bear it in mind as part of making an informed choice. You will never be able to make the other parent feel enthusiastic about a role they didn't choose if that loss of control is too overwhelming. You may see them be a better parent to children where they did feel in control of their birth. Even other children they have with you.

And he may have never made the OP feel enthusiastic about having another baby with him if she had chosen to end that pregnancy.

Plus in this case he didn't speak up past that one time, and by the sounds of it he seemed enthusiastic if he threw himself into the baby planning after. She can't be expected to be a mind reader.

She's not even criticising him as a parent, she said he is very involved, he could be feeling this exact same way now if this baby had been planned, we see this all the time on here 'much wanted babies' from both, sometimes it's even the husband pushing for the baby, but then they find the reality of it tedious and don't like that life changed or that they don't have as much freedom anymore.

Yes they are ( majority of them) because I live in the country and I have never seen happier, well behaved and independent kids in any of the countries I have lived. No wonder there is hardly any crime here. People are happy and responsible that starts from childhood.

A little late to the thread and my phone keeps freezing as I normally like to read all of the posts before commenting, but I can’t on this one. I don’t think it’s helpful to say YABU or your DH IBU as it’s a huge time of change and adjustment for you two as a couple and individuals.

I think this is a really difficult situation. Our (mine and now EXH’s) lives were exactly as you described before having DC1. We stayed in London (zone 2 like you) and up until having DD1 had a great time together.

We were both so happy when DD arrived and it didn’t seem to matter at first that we saw less of friends, that our lives together and apart had changed so immeasurably. It’s what happens to most new couples with a baby.

But I found after around 12-18 months that I had matured more quickly into our new life than he had, despite us both wanting a baby. Yes obviously a lot less freedom, money, sex, going out etc but that’s just part of having a baby.

We didn’t move anywhere but tbh the same thing happened anyway. We saw less of each other as he got promoted. He got resentful of our lives changing. I got called ‘boring’ as I had ‘changed’. He seemed very happy with having DD in our lives but seemingly couldn’t deal with the life adjustments that came along with that. He became resentful of me and our new life.

m I think your relocation is a bit of a red herring in this instance. You might have decided to stay in zone 2 with your friends but he would still feel the pressures of transitioning from just you 2 to the restrictions of family life anyway

. I think what’s going on is an internal / in the home/ bigger picture problem than the one you describe.

in my case (I’m not saying this will be your experience) ex DH ended up spending increasing amounts of time out with work people and I just kind of got on with it whilst feeling more and more isolated.

He ended up having an affair with one of his team from work and we split (ok he left) when DD was 2. Some parents (cough men usually) just aren’t equipped or mature enough to cope with the changes.

I don’t know what to suggest but the only thing I definitely would is a few sessions of couples’ therapy before the division gets greater. It can really help and as my therapist said at the time ‘ I wish more couples would see a therapist together for few sessions once a year to help them communicate with each other and air their feelings’ - like an MOT. It absolutely does not mean your marriage is in trouble . It’s more about ironing out expectations and grievances.. and staying on track.

Sorry for the long post. Your one just really resonates with me.

This poor guy is working all week, commuting, sole breadwinner and is coming home to bath a baby and sitting on his lonesome whilst wife is at home all day, meeting new friends, socialising (who is finding this) totally absorbed by the baby and hubby isn’t getting a look in let alone TLC or intimacy, if I was him I would be pissed off and depressed too!

I totally get the baby thing I am the same but am a single mum so it doesn’t matter but this almost one year old isn’t going to remember that mum left him for a few hours or a night but hubby sure won’t forget being neglected!

This marriage needs some serious resuscitation

At some point you have to try and reconnect with him or get a divorce. The guy is crying out to reconnect with you but you go to bed at what ? 7,8? So he’s home after a long day of work where you refuse to go back to work for another 2 years so there’s that, you’ve moved away from his and your friends and he has no connection with his wife.. What kind of life is that?

Funding not finding

All of this

I genuinely think you’re heading for divorce if you don’t meet him half way

I can't relate to this as DH and I were old when we had ours and were ready for that change. It sounds like he wasn't and it is a huge adjustment.

I think you really need to make time for each other, no matter how tired you both are from DS and work, or your relationship may suffer or not even last. Take up the offer for help from Mum, go for a short holiday away just the two of you. Try to make it a semi regular thing

Can you link it?

I concur. This will only go one way unless you make some changes now

I started off reading this thread thinking it was ridiculous for your DH to go stay in London for a week on his own but after reading all your posts I can understand why he feels so depressed.
it sounds like your focus is so much on the baby you don’t care at all about your relationship or your DH’s happiness.
The childhood you described is not the norm for many people. You can still be a loving involved parent but have date nights, see old friends, have separate hobbies etc.
maybe bechase your parents were older they had socialising out of their system.
if you want to have another child and save your marriage I think a good talk and compromise on both sides is essential. Maybe marriage counselling too.

So your man-child doesn't want to become an adult. Tell him he has to mature and step up or he won't have a relationship with his child or you.

"I don’t want to be away from DS, that’s a non-negotiable for me right now and I won’t compromise on that."

If you don't compromise on this your son is going to end up with divorced parents. I understand not wanting to leave babe, I really really do as I've got my own. But it will be so much worse for your baby to have his Dad leave because he's so unhappy than a few hours or couple of days away from Mum at 11 months old

I feel so sorry for your husband. Your life seems so limited.
This marriage won’t last but you don’t seem to care now he’s done his job and you’ve got your baby.
Even your child will feel stifled by your approach to parenting .
It doesn’t sound like your husband was seeking to go on a ‘bender’ - sounds like he is a huge tennis fan!
You should not have stopped him going- your reason that the baby would ‘miss out’ on a weekend with his father, is frankly ridiculous.
Where is your perspective?
The 9pm bedtimes yet insisting your husband can’t follow a bit of a social life would drive me bonkers- hours of commuting, for what?

Your own childhood was clearly odd. Or let’s say “unusual “.
It’s not the case that adults give up their own lives when they become parents. You want to stay home and play with your dolls and your husband wants to enjoy other aspects of life.
If you don’t have a sex life how are you going to have another child? He needs to be more than a sperm donor- or let him go and find a fuller life.

It's normal for life to be limited with a baby.

The 9pm bedtimes yet insisting your husband can’t follow a bit of a social life would drive me bonkers- hours of commuting, for what?

He was away in the summer, he has drinks every couple of weeks, he goes to the gym, she's encouraged him to meet people in the area, that's more of a social life for a lot of people.

What do you mean 'hours of commuting, for what?'.
What kind of lives do you think people lead when they have babies under 1?
He's lucky he only commutes 3 days a week too.

What's bonkers is people making suggestions like that he stays out once a week, first of all there aren't many people out there who would be happy with their partner staying out once a week with single females, and there aren't many men who would be happy with that either if it was their wives and single males, also who gets a night out every week when they have a baby?

Child under one we were going on the occasional date night or child free event and having family babysit. And would try to spend some time together in the evenings and occasionally have sex.

Oh give over, who do you think you are? She’s somebody that made the mistake about wanting to discuss her marriage issues on an anonymous forum, she doesn’t deserve your bile.

Then why don't you let her come stay and learn the routine then at the end of the week you can leave DS with her for an evening. There must be a pub you can go to and spend time with your DH.

I think there’s a lot of men on here given the frankly bizarre replies to a woman just wanting to talk about some marriage issues.

There’s really odd people on here these days, it makes me sad to think. Back in the day people would get straightforward, but compassionate advice. People on here are callous and frankly weird now. It’s a shame.

I'm an absolute dyed in the wool feminist, but this thread (and some of the thinking I see on here in general) has got me thinking.

There's a lot of objectively bloody useless men out there, and a lot of bad ones, sure. But there is a sort of sanctification of mothers and children on here that at times does make me feel a bit sorry for some of the male partners. Nothing less than 24/7 devotion to the almighty needs of the mother/child dyad is acceptable. Fathers must not have any other feelings than parenting is wonderful, their female partner is nothing short of amazing for her selfless, unwavering devotion to the tiny deity, and they must be absolutely fine with being sidelined and irrelevant apart from the childcare duties they perform and the salary they bring in, or they are selfish and unreasonable. In some cases, the men aren't even trusted with their own children because it always has to be mum, so they are reduced to home help and breadwinner. A need to have hobbies, friends, or retain any shred of a pre-childed life is decried as selfish and immature. Wanting to do anything without a baby or child in tow is also selfish - how dare they want a date with their own partner or wife! Men have to ask permission from their wives every time they want to do something outside the family home. Female friends, or even just being basic level friendly with a female work colleague, is deemed a red flag affair risk. Men must be happy with the scraps their womenfolk throw them and feel lucky to get them once children come along, in this way of thinking. No wonder a lot of men don't want children, or are reluctant fathers if they see other men's lives looking like this.

Feminism was meant to make us equal, but this version of matriarchal feminism feels very toxic to me. The expectations and level of control some women seem to expect to have over their menfolk here would never be acceptable the other way around. I would have certainly given it to DH with both barrels if he had been lazy or not done his fair share, but I can't imagine treating him like a second class citizen in the way some women seem to. I chose him as my children's father. He's an equal member of our household, we both have a right to a life outside being parents, we both need breaks, mothering and fathering are equally rewarding and joyful, tough and challenging in different ways. Our lives are centred around our family, sure - but we as adults, not just parents, are also central to making sure our family functions.

OP being intimate when she doesn't want to might not have positive effects, if she's not into it then it's unlikely to be good sex or have the desired effect of making him feel wanted. and it could actually be very detrimental to her libido coming back at all. The fact he doesn't mention it suggests that he definitely does not want her to have sex if she doesn't want it or that he's not even that interested in having it himself.

He'd be working regardless and she didn't say he was working any extra while she's on maternity leave.

OP goes to sleep early because the baby isn't a great sleeper, I wonder how many hours of sleep she's even getting, it's great that she seems to be happy but will that be the case if she ends up sleep deprived, will he even want her to stay up if she's wrecked tired, would she be good company?

I do think she should be trying to get herself to the stage where she should be able to leave the baby for a few hours for date nights etc. but trying to blame her for making him depressed is completely wrong, she hasn't done anything wrong, she's a tired mother of a baby going to bed earlier and she's not interested in sex at the moment which is not something she has done wrong either.

As for him getting a 'look in'...is the OP getting a 'look in'? the main thing he's complaining about is not seeing his friends or getting to do stuff with them, he said he's sat on the couch with nothing to do after 9pm because OPs asleep, but when she asked what he wanted it was all about his friends, he didn't seem to ask her for more attention from her. She said she can tell he's bothered by the lack of sex, but maybe she's just sensing the overall disconnect. She said they don't act like a married couple anymore so he doesn't sound like one of the husbands we read about on here that is desperately trying to connect with their wife and keep intimacy alive either.

This is complete nonsense, he goes for drinks every couple of weeks, he was away this summer in Paris with his friends, he goes to the gym, she's encouraged him to make friends in the local area.

This asking permission nonsense is bullshit, it's just basic courtesy to ok your plans with the other parent to make sure they're ok parenting alone during shared time. OP also doesn't have the freedom to just up and go on holidays or trips with friends without 'asking permission'.

I think it's your attitude to this that is toxic.

We'll have to agree to disagree then. Which is fine - it's a public forum and the world won't end if you disagree with a stranger online!