DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

And btw I love my kids but the described way of life makes me depressed just from reading it

If only depression could be cured by learning to be happy hey.

The good thing OP is that he is vocal about his feelings, so you can talk it through and try to find a solution.

People have moved back because it can be a shock to some, add a new baby, sleepless nights and no support network and it's understandable to be depressed.

Being depressed doesn't mean he doesn't love you or the baby, same as mothers can be depressed and want a break from their own lives.

Wow. Just wow.

Imo your marriage is heading for divorce. You are happy with baby and although you SAY you'd like DH to be happy, you're not prepared to do anything to facilitate the change he needs to be happy/happier

You seem to want to replicate your childhood and the upbringing your parents gave you. This isn't going to work for DH and if I'm honest I don't think it's healthy for your baby long term

Anyway, you've asked AIBU

Yes you are

Do I think you'll change?

No i don't. And I think youre selfish

I started off thinking the problem was your husband, but as I've read more I've completely changed my mind. There is absolutely no compromise here on your part at all, your posts come across as very you-focused. You don't get a say in who your husband chooses as friends regardless of whether you like them or not. You say you think he would be happier if he made friends in the village, that's not your call either. I think the biggest problem here is where you've moved to. He's been cut off from everything he knows whereas you've had your whole mat leave to go out and meet other mums and make friends, create a new life away from the city. He doesn't have that opportunity so you believing he should just make local friends isn't realistic for him as he's now spending half his week commuting.

All your posts seem very black and white, there's only one way you're willing to do everything and it's your way. Your baby is almost a toddler, it's time for him to start spending time away from you with other members of his extended family like MIL so that you and your husband have a chance to reconnect- I'm sure she'd love to have him for a few hours and it'll be good for him too to learn he's separate from you- he's not a small baby any more.

Failing that I think you need to start looking at the future of your relationship as it can't continue without changes being made, and it doesn't sound like you're willing to make any that would benefit your husband's wellbeing.

There needs to be a compromise from both sides.

Agree, imagine a husband telling a depressed wife to just crack on as having a baby is her life now.

@Jade3450What an utterly nasty thing to say. Maybe when they’re a bit older but young babies do not just slot into your life. They are a grenade in your life. Full stop. Everything changes - your sleep, your social life, your relationship, your entire routine! Fancy slotting your newborn baby into a 9-5 job? Just pop it in a papoose and head straight back to work after birth? I don’t bloody think so!

Psychological research shows that parental investment in the early years is crucial for a child’s development and yes, that often means romance takes a backseat for a while. It’s not about constant date nights it’s about teamwork, shared parenting and pulling each other through the trenches. That’s the real bond in those early years. Of course, if a babysitter’s available and you can get out for dinner or movie, great! But that’s a bonus, not the baseline for many.

Even in pair-bonded animals like wolves and penguins, the focus is on cooperative care of the young.

Also, on the snarky only child point - studies show they often benefit from more focused attention, which can support stronger development, confidence, and even earlier language skills. It’s not some tragic sob story.

That does tend to be what happens!

Op I would be very careful about him being on his own for a week in a London hotel that’s a recipe for cheating

syggestions - once a month he organizes a pub night in London for all his friends. You go too and the grandma can babysit, he can see at his mates and your marriage isn’t being threatened. If you are feeling uber generous then once a month you go, then a fortnight later it’s just him and a hotel. Then he gets a Wednesday night out twice a month, no need to be even greedier. Do make it so that you can show up just in case he’s thinking of having. An affair
a whole week away from his baby is preposterous

Op, if you're still reading, just so you know, if your husband had posted here and described his life and said he goes out drinking every couple of weeks, and can go to the gym and was away in the summer and you were in bed every night at 9pm and he didn't want to try to make friends in the local area then we'd be 37 pages in now to the vast majority of people telling him to get a grip and stop being so selfish and how he got loads of freedom, more than many men and it was up to him to make the most of his life and make new friends etc.

I'm normally on the woman's side as I think
some men don't pull their weight etc, however, not this time.
I think you are thinking that parenthood is something that it realistically isn't.
Village life - you're thinking perfect surroundings for child to grow up in, in reality with your backgrounds it's isolating and lonely.
Why do you need 3 years off? Why is the 9 months not sufficient? What makes you so special?
Your child doesn't need to spend every weekend with his father, people are allowed to have a life.
What's going to happen when your DS goes to nursery or school? You will have isolated him from people for much of his young life. Toddlers need to get used to being in the company of other people, to gain vital social skills, become a little more independent away from you. The minute they go to school they will be a blubbering mess, missing you, and will probably be really shy because of this.
I have lots more to say but you can see the angle I am coming from.
You sound incredibly annoying to live with, I'm sorry if this has upset you but that's the perception I am getting. You're just too over the top, and it's suffocating your DP.

This man will walk away at some point over the next 3 years.

OP, just go downstairs a couple of times a week after DD goes to bed!

When my baby was 6 mo I also went to bed at the same time as her. Husband asked me for a date night (just baby free chatting/TV) once a week. It seemed like a big ask. Now I go down every night. I don't miss the extra 2-3hr of sleep (and my baby is a crap sleeper) as it's honestly lovely and so important to spend time as a couple.

You're not in the trenches anymore - you need to break out of trench mentality.

I remember the first year being pretty hard going, if I had a husband that was checking out due to that then he’s going at some point anyway. This is not a man who was ever all in. Fair weather.

He sounds like a man that was always going to.

Most of us here luckily (and currently) live in a country where women have the right to choose whether to continue a pregnancy independently of the man with whom they conceived.

So we have the chance to prevent pregnancy, and then we have the chance to end an unwanted pregnancy. Men only have the chance to prevent pregnancy because after that, they rightly have no say over our bodies.

Additionally, we have the legal right to claim child Maintainence when we decide to continue the pregnancy. This is of course a flawed system, but put that aside for a minute.

The fact we solely get to choose whether a baby is born and then claim financial support for the baby gives some people a warped idea of how this plays out in reality. To put it simply, it makes a lot of people think that continuing a pregnancy will automatically prompt the father into assuming the role that the mother needs him to simply because he is morally and legally obliged to.

I know that my ability to feel content with my role as a parent would be greatly negated if I felt a lack of control or choice about becoming a parent. I'd want to still be the best parent I could be, but you can't control how your feelings influence your actions at some points. You can't be your best when you feel oppressed or restricted.

Basically, I think it is extremely wise to consider that if you continue a pregnancy where either parent feels that lack of control, that is likely to impact on their parenting and overall adjustment and attachment process. It's naive to think they can just switch on and put that all behind them.

We are fed this idea that any decent man should be able to overcome any of that and not let his feelings get in the way of being a great dad and partner. I think we are more understanding of why women are not the best parents and/or partners when they have limited control over their fertility.

I don't ever think it is too late to acknowledge that loss of control to the person who experienced it.

What makes you so special?

I have lots more to say but you can see the angle I am coming from.

🙄

Jesus Christ. Will someone think of the men and their poor wayward penises!

It's more like "someone think of how humans typically react to feeling trapped".

Well going by the stories on here about the men who don't want babies they are quite insistent/forceful about the idea of abortion and really state their case about how they don't want a baby, they don't just 'tentatively ask if their partner would consider an abortion' like the OP said and then never mention it again if the woman says no and throw themselves all in with the baby planning.

In all honesty, I’d be worried that his head had been turned and that he wanted an excuse to go and see if the grass was really greener. Who goes to stay in a hotel for a week? Sorry to say I think there is another woman.

Pffft.

That would be a no from me.

I'm sorry you can't have it all ways, yes you can let baby stay with his grandma for a weekend he isn't tiny. I actually think your hubby sounds like he is doing really well, working hard, coming home and helping, having the odd night out but still getting home at a reasonable time while you have every day to mix with the village etc. As a mum I wouldn't be going to bed at 9 either, my hubby doesn't get in from work till around 7pm and once he has helped me finish bathing and bedtime for our 4 youngest I make sure he eats and we spend a good hour sitting having a chat and a cuppa and whatever else. If you love someone you make absolutely sure that relationship is first much as we love and adore our children they will fly one day and our hubbies are still here. And once a month my parents stay and have done since twins were 6months for a weekend so we go and have some time together. Our youngest 4 came within 2 years and I wasn't interested in sex at all. But to just go to a hotel, cuddle and snuggle and enjoy good food and drink and get some decent sleep kept us alive for sure and now we are back to normal sex life and very close

But that approach is what good men do and should do. It's just that that they can't be that person when they would likely have made a different choice and/or feel like they didn't have any voice in the matter.

That's the thing. With all the will in the world, in some situations, you just cannot be your best self. It doesn't matter whose fault it is that you are in that position where you're expected to be better - the fact remains that you cannot in those specific circumstances. You might be able to improve over time.

I just really think women should bear it in mind as part of making an informed choice. You will never be able to make the other parent feel enthusiastic about a role they didn't choose if that loss of control is too overwhelming. You may see them be a better parent to children where they did feel in control of their birth. Even other children they have with you.

I agree. I live in a huge capital city and love the opportunities my dgd has here