C section - only want DH and my mum visiting in hospital

[moon9876]

So I am due baby number two in 3 weeks. For my first baby I had my parents and also MIL all visit at the same time the day baby was born (8 hours after middle of night section and no sleep) and it was too soon to have so many people there. I was exhausted and everyone was just passing baby taking pictures.

My MIL was also trying to invite all my husbands adult siblings to the hospital while i still had a catheter in. I told my husband to say no to this as I barely see them so needed some personal time to recover. DH wasn't particularly happy at the time but I felt I needed recovery time, which to be fair he did end up understanding.

This time around I only want my own mum and DH (and toddler) visiting in hospital then my dad and MIL can visit when we get home. I want my own mum there for the support as we are close, it's really not about who meets baby first and I don't want it to become that. I see myself as a hospital patient at this stage. My MIL isn't the most tactful and will be wanting me to take loads of pics of just her, baby and DH (based on last time) which I feel can be done when we are home.

Is this bad towards my MIL? It's so hard as I keep imagining how I would feel if my son's wife had a baby. However I also feel I need to prioritise my own mental and physical health in the few days after the op. Any advice?

Also not sure how DH will take it if I say I only want my mum to visit in hospital, so considering just saying no hospital visitor at all to eliminate any disagreement.

I would only want my husband around. It does feel a little unfair to your MIL if your own mum is there.

You know you’re not being unreasonable.

I had a rule, DH only. Didn’t even want my parents who were very supportive. I love them, but no.

Shame on your DH for not being happy about his family coming to the hospital to visit after you’ve just birthed his baby, not the point of the OP but shame on him.

Can you just not tell your MIL the date of your C section?

I never understand this competitive meeting of the baby first. They're still a baby for a long time, it's absolutely fine to insist they wait until you're home.

You're your mums baby, of course it's fine to want your mum there to support you.

It's a major surgery, you're the one going through it. You can decide when you're ready to host.

Hard disagree. You don’t mind your mum being there in your vunerable state, but having someone else’s mum is very different.

It’s not about the baby being ‘equal’ to both families though is it, it’s about the patient at the centre of it (OP) who has just been through a traumatic physical event.

The hospital might not let her visit anyway. When I had a c-section it was partner and 1 other only. That 1 other had to be the same person throughout aswell.

This ^ my mum wouldn’t attend a private hospital appointment of my DH with his bits out and a catheter in. Why should woman have to accept this when they’re not comfortable? Your own mum is completely different to your partners mother imo

MIL is already asking for section date!

To be honest I think visitors in hospital after a birth, whether that be a C-section or not, seem a bit redundant now. It’s not like the old days when you’d be a in a week or more. You’re shipped on out of there within a day or two (sometimes even the same day, if a natural birth!) so there’s little time to even consider visitors imo. Just have people visit at home, it stops all the petty politics, or limits it anyway.

Don't tell them the date of your c section that way no one can visit uninvited.

Or tell her a a date a couple of days after your actual date so it it is really the 25th tell them the 28th and then you can always tell them after that you were admitted for an emergency section. They have no right to your private medical information.

You have literally made a person and will be having a major operation. Your dh needs support your choices. I had family want to see us after ds was born but I told everyone they needed to wait until I was back home and they all understood. Although my own mum made it clear she was disappointed. i stood my ground and I'm glad I did.

It's not often you can insist you are the priority but in my opinion women who have just given birth should be treated like the fucking queen!

You are the hospital patient after major surgery. So ultimately its who you are comfortable with.

(I would be saying (if its logistically convenient) you will drop in for half an hour on your way home, then haven't visitors at home until you are ready.)

I also found this v bizarre with the early days and breastfeeding.

All these people want to come round and sit watching you / baby (while bleeding / full of stitches / shell-shocked)… but then also you are trying to establish breastfeeding… with an audience?

So so strange.

You've had major surgery and will be flooded with hormones while trying to establish breastfeeding. You're not a zoo animal and the brief period after giving birth is not a spectator sport. MIL doesn't even have to know your mum has been there.

ALSO… why isn’t your DH sticking up for you and telling MIL your choice and that’s it. Why is it on you to stress about this?

YANBU at all. I will be doing the same for my second C section next year. Only my mum and partner were there last time and I would have felt too overwhelmed with anyone else there. It’s major surgery and second time round you need to do what’s best for you. They need to understand that it’s not just about baby it’s about you too. And your husband needs to be your voice here and advocate for u x

Just because she's asking it doesn't mean you have to tell her.

You can also tell the hospital staff you don't want any extra visitors.

I think you should just have DH there and not your mum or MIL if you can't have them both.

I am anticipating that he will say if my own mum is visiting why can't his mum also visit. His mum stays around 4 hours away so there is always a sense that she misses out for this reason (distance). And her visits have to be a bit more planned rather than just dropping in type thing. It has caused some tension between us before which I have addressed.

OP wants her mum there because she’s in a vunerable state and like most kids; no matter if you’re an adult; sometimes you still want your mum
She doesn’t mind her mum seeing her with stitches and a catheter in, but she doesn’t want her MIL to see her this way.

its too overwhelming

I will die on this hill, it’s unfair to tell a woman she can’t have her own mum with her for support.

Why can't both just visit once you're home, to avoid drama? You're a grown woman, you don't need your mother holding your hand after a C section. You have your husband and a hospital full of medical staff for that.

It's just my personal opinion. I have had 3 c-sections and it wouldn't have occurred to me to allow my own mum but not my husbands.

Tell him when he has 7 layers of his abdomen ripped open, and is hemmorhaging blood out of his penis, got the shakes from the epidural, and his leaking tit's are hanging out he can have whoever he wants to come and look at him in all his glory. Until then, you will decide who gets to see you when you're ready.

We had no parents visit but I can understand why some woman want their mum

At the end of the day your mum has seen you naked, she birthed you, she's bathed you, she's been there for your bra fittings, she's been there for your periods, she's nursed you when you've been ill, she's cleaned your vomit and your poo, she has been a stable part of most of your intimate care needs up to adulthood.

Your MIL has not.

Your mum isn't there to see your baby. She is there to see her baby and make sure you are ok, supported, and advocated for.