C section - only want DH and my mum visiting in hospital

[moon9876]

So I am due baby number two in 3 weeks. For my first baby I had my parents and also MIL all visit at the same time the day baby was born (8 hours after middle of night section and no sleep) and it was too soon to have so many people there. I was exhausted and everyone was just passing baby taking pictures.

My MIL was also trying to invite all my husbands adult siblings to the hospital while i still had a catheter in. I told my husband to say no to this as I barely see them so needed some personal time to recover. DH wasn't particularly happy at the time but I felt I needed recovery time, which to be fair he did end up understanding.

This time around I only want my own mum and DH (and toddler) visiting in hospital then my dad and MIL can visit when we get home. I want my own mum there for the support as we are close, it's really not about who meets baby first and I don't want it to become that. I see myself as a hospital patient at this stage. My MIL isn't the most tactful and will be wanting me to take loads of pics of just her, baby and DH (based on last time) which I feel can be done when we are home.

Is this bad towards my MIL? It's so hard as I keep imagining how I would feel if my son's wife had a baby. However I also feel I need to prioritise my own mental and physical health in the few days after the op. Any advice?

Also not sure how DH will take it if I say I only want my mum to visit in hospital, so considering just saying no hospital visitor at all to eliminate any disagreement.

Tell him when he has major abdominal surgery and is recovering on the ward, you promise to not mind if he lets his mum visit instead of yours.

With the greatest of respect, your MIL probably only wants to see the baby anyway. So do like a pp suggested and get your husband to take her to see the baby in the nursery (if they still have them). That leaves you time with your mum and everyone is happy.

Your body your choice. But after my first ELCS I was in for 3 nights and was so bored that by day 2 I was happy to have any visitors. My best mate came with her husband, my FIL and his wife, my parents. With DC2 it was covid and I wasn’t allowed anyone which was rubbish.

OP, spell it out to him. Your mum is there to help YOU when you need a lot of help. MIL is not the same.

DHs don’t tend to get this - I had to spell it out to mine (not re my DCs’ births as my own DM had died long before) but over someone else. I reminded him that a woman who has given birth is either bleeding or recovering from surgery, and leaking breast milk, and it is very different for her own DM to visit, who probably helped her manage her periods as a teen, and MIL. It is not about who gets to see the baby, it is about caring for the mother.

As the mother of 2 boys obviously I would respect your decision but I would also very much like to see my son and his new child if I could and would be a bit hurt if I was told no but my DIL mum was allowed. But I absolutely do get that you are absolutely closer to your mum and do need her. It is difficult to navigate for all really but if your MIL loves you I hope she will understand and I certainly would really.

I’m in that position as well - no DD. I will accept it because I know I’m not the same as her own mum.

I understand that the MIL will want to see her son and the new grandchild but the OP will just have had surgery.

Take the baby out of the equation for a minute - if a woman was having a gynae surgery and likely to be bed bound with a catheter in hospital and asked for her own mother to come and visit I doubt anyone would bat an eyelid. In that circumstance if a husband was insisting that it was only fair his mother got to come and visit also everyone would be saying how unreasonable he was. I understand there is a new baby to look at but everyone seems to forget the patient. I’d like to think I would have more empathy for a future DIL and remember what it felt like for me.

Yes, I find this bizarre too.,is this a new thing with mil,etc visiting at hospital?

My mum and other family only visited after I was discharged and that all seemed quite normal at the time..there was no drama around it.

This from @Jimmyneutronsforehead sums it up perfectly imo:

Your mum isn't there to see your baby. She is there to see her baby and make sure you are ok…

If your DH & MIL can’t see that, that’s on them.

I had my mum with me during the birth for both kids (different dads) because she was and would always have been the best advocate for what I wanted if I was unable to make decisions for myself and my baby.

My seconds dad's family knew I didn't want anyone at the hospital and I'd prefer to wait until I was home. He and they didn't respect that which is a big part of the reason I couldn't respect him after. My firsts family always respected me and my decisions and we're extremely close to this day. His dad cheated and they're still all for me and my son.

I don't know why people treat new arrivals in their family as something they're entitled to, it's so weird to me. Even my own mum said "of course I'll be there but please know I won't be offended at all of you don't want me there, it's your choice".

I think i must be weird, because I've had 3 sections and I've loved my family visiting, including my PILs.

I think people have become very precious.
I can understand why your husband would be upset, its his baby as well and that's his mum.
I would suggest talk it over with him and explain your views. Hopefully, he understands why you're coming to this decision.

I can only answer this from my own point of view, @MrsSkylerWhite. When our first grandchild was born, my DIL’s mum was there, along with ds1, and I definitely didn’t feel it was unfair at all - her mum is a lovely person, and I was just happy that she was there supporting her daughter, and also my son.

When I had ds1, my mum wouldn't have come, even if I had asked her. My wonderful MIL did come and visit while I was in labour, and looking back, I am now kicking myself that I didn’t ask her to be at the birth - she would have been very supportive, and she would have loved it. I was glad that she and my FIL were there afterwards - they met ds1 when he was less than 4 hours old - and when the hospital said visiting time was over (yes, it’s that long ago), they took dh and fed him before dropping him home.

It wouldn't occur to you to have your mum for support after after operation but not your MIL?
What if you had other abdominal surgery, would you expect equal viewing of your body by your Ils?!

Op is going to be a patient in hospital. She's going to have a major operation. She's entitled to whoever she wants as support and is entitled to decline whichever visitors she doesn't. It's irrelevant if it wouldn't occur to you, OP wants her mum there and that's perfectly reasonable.

It doesn't matter if you've loved it. OP doesn't.

Personal preferences on who people want at their bedside are completely irrelevant. OP wants her mum and her DH and not her MIL, and she is going to be the patient.

I don’t think nurseries/day rooms are a thing now. My baby had a security tag on and couldn’t have left the ward without me. I wouldn’t have really wanted him to either!

No they don't have nurseries in the hospital I attend. I don't feel this would be good for mum or baby to be separated so soon after birth when we are trying to establish breastfeeding/bond. Can't imagine the midwives would approve of baby being taken out the ward so soon after birth either!

Based on your MIL and h’s previous behaviour, yanbu and I would argue with him based on that point. He should have stuck up with you and said no to adult siblings, long visits etc

I think that you should give her a section date that is a couple of days later so that you have some breathing space. It sounds like your h won’t enforce any boundaries with his mum and he is more concerned with her feelings than yours when YOU are the patient.

Okay, was just an idea on how to be nice to the MIL and not shut her out completely

I'm a mother to only sons and I'd totally understand my DIL wanting just her mum being there to take care of her immediately after giving birth.

I think what's important is to ensure you convey you need your mum not that's she's more important to the baby.

So also making plans for involvement of MIL once you are out.

If she generally feels wanted and valued then she's more likely to be able to accept that the initial recovery period is about you.

You could even give her a role. Maybe helping look after your other child, or her son, so she's not excluded it's just a MIL has a different role from your own mum. At least initially.

It’s not about being nice or fair is it.

As others had said remove the baby and op has any other surgery going her in-laws are not going to be hiding behind the door waiting to come In. Her mother however likely want to check that her adult child is ok.

Giving birth isn’t about fairness it’s about the women and babies wellbeing. The mother as the patient who’s just actually birthed a baby regardless of which way. The baby all going well is only there still because mum is.

Those wishing to just see the baby can wait till mother is up to visitors. Those who genuinely care about mother as a person regardless of the baby are likely to be invited to visit the mother to actually see her the plus side is also seeing baby.

So again if you have a wonderful mil or are a wonder non judgement, not overstepping, had a genuinely nice relationship with the mum before she got pregnant mil. You’re more likely to be on the list of helpful cares about her list.

Same for visits when she’s on mat leave. Popping into her mums for a coffee to see her mum baby just happens to be with her. If you don’t have that relationship prior don’t expect or in some cases demand it after. You reap what you sow.

I don't think you should lie to her. You are opening up a whole can of worms with that. What happens when she discovers you lied to her?
Or are you going to celebrate your child's birthday on the wrong date each year to maintain the lie?

Instead do what you need but also be kind to your MIL, that way you are securing the relationship long term.

It's major surgery. I would say no visitors until you are through the surgery and ask your mum to support you by having your toddler. If you are in for several days, you can always revisit and give MIL a heads up that she can now arrive on a solo basis.

If MIL is antsy, you can a) point out that it's a blanket ban and b) covid and RSV is rife already so the hospital has forewarned you that visitors may not be allowed.

Lastly, 2nd children tend to be much less of an "event" in a family so you may find that your in-laws are perfectly happy to bide their time. DH should be flagging it to his siblings that you will arrange a meet up when you've had a chance to recover and not risk infection. It will be hard enough with 2.

I remember explaining that to my son in law after DDs first baby

I will only ever be the MIL in this scenario and absolutely disagree. The woman will have just given birth and its entirely up to her who visits in hospital. The baby is not a pass the parcel item. Give the mother time to recover from the section and other people (MIL included) can wait to meet the baby.

Your delivery, your rules.

If MIL had been more respectful first time round then maybe it would have been different!

I had my DH, DD1 and my sister (my sister because she was looking after DD1). That's it. And with DD1 I didn't let anyone come to the hospital and we were there for 5 days.