C section - only want DH and my mum visiting in hospital

[moon9876]

So I am due baby number two in 3 weeks. For my first baby I had my parents and also MIL all visit at the same time the day baby was born (8 hours after middle of night section and no sleep) and it was too soon to have so many people there. I was exhausted and everyone was just passing baby taking pictures.

My MIL was also trying to invite all my husbands adult siblings to the hospital while i still had a catheter in. I told my husband to say no to this as I barely see them so needed some personal time to recover. DH wasn't particularly happy at the time but I felt I needed recovery time, which to be fair he did end up understanding.

This time around I only want my own mum and DH (and toddler) visiting in hospital then my dad and MIL can visit when we get home. I want my own mum there for the support as we are close, it's really not about who meets baby first and I don't want it to become that. I see myself as a hospital patient at this stage. My MIL isn't the most tactful and will be wanting me to take loads of pics of just her, baby and DH (based on last time) which I feel can be done when we are home.

Is this bad towards my MIL? It's so hard as I keep imagining how I would feel if my son's wife had a baby. However I also feel I need to prioritise my own mental and physical health in the few days after the op. Any advice?

Also not sure how DH will take it if I say I only want my mum to visit in hospital, so considering just saying no hospital visitor at all to eliminate any disagreement.

If you don’t want MIL to see you, can she come to hospital and DH take baby to her in separate room

I had two c-sections, everyone visited whenever they wanted 💁. Nobody came to see me really (my parents, for two nano-seconds), they were all there and very excited to see my babies and I couldn't have been happier about it. I barely got a look in!

Do you know how it will work in your hospital? I delivered in the operating room, and then was taken to a different ward for monitoring for a couple of hours while the anesthetic wore off. Only spouses are allowed on that ward, not even the patient's other children. Once they'd established everything was ok, all the wires and monitors and catheters and whatnot were removed, I had a chance to put contact lenses in and a new gown, have a quick drink, and then I was wheeled - like Cleopatra on a chariot! - into the actual recovery ward with my baby in my arms. It was pretty cool actually. Once I got there, everyone descended and it was lovely. There are limited visiting hours anyway, and a maximum number of visitors at a time. Everyone is turfed out if a nurse needed to check on me, and I kicked everyone out when I needed to nurse (don't know where they went, hospital cafe probably).

I couldn't imagine denying an excited grandparent, especially when I know other grandparent(s) are being allowed. That seems unnecessarily cruel to me. What harm is going to come to anyone? This is a time of joy, don't you want to share it?

Yes, plus you're on a ward with literally hundreds of people visiting and staring at you, complete strangers. There's dozens milling round your bed on each sides, even if you keep the curtains closed, it doesn't tend to stay that way or people push up against them/open to get extra chairs for their family if you don't have much visiting you. I wanted to be very clear the whole family is welcome, and the more of them who come, the fewer strangers right next to me!
Maybe with a private room, it's different, as then you CAN limit the people next to your bed.

I am a mum of boys and I hope that if I ever behaved selfishly towards my DIL then my son would stick up for his wife and tell me that I was being a massive dick. While I sympathise with the 4 hour distance angle, pushing yourself when you’re not wanted won’t help. If she’d behaved normally last time then she (and only her from that side of the family) might have received an invite but her behaviour sounds like a nightmare.

You're being very unfair. It's your husbands child too so don't be so precious and self indulgent.

Not really, surely you can understand how she will be more comfortable being in a vulnerable state in front of her mother and not her MIL. And MiL trying to invite other family members is absolute rubbish and taking the piss.

"Vulnerable state"?

Why would she be vulnerable?

Sore, bleeding, unable to move easily, maybe still catheterised, trying to establish breastfeeding…..

For the second baby, it’s usually not as exciting (sorry for the wording but hopefully you know what I mean) So hopefully MIL isn’t going to be the same this time.
Id just be firm and tell her she has to wait. It’s completely different this time round given you have a toddler to consider too.

Nobody if coming to view her body, they would be coming to meet their new grandchild which is equally the MILs grandchild. It's up to the OP and her husband, of course but she asked for opinions on whether that was unfair on her MIL and in my opinion it is a little unfair.

They chuck you out so quickly now, I'm not sure you need anyone other than dh there.
But YABU to say your Mum can come but not his.

If any of those things are going on, she should tell - or ask the nurses to tell - everyone to leave the room. Not the moving around easily, you can't do that for a while after the surgery: but you don't need to when you're lying in the bed, and the soreness doesn't generally kick in until the next day when the bulk of the painkillers wear off. If you need the loo, you tell everyone to vacate because you're semi-clothed, need the loo and need your privacy.

Like I said, I've had two c-sections and I just don't buy any of this damsel-in-distress stuff. It's a hospital. If intimate stuff needs doing to or with the patient, everyone clears the room. If the patient needs to sleep, everyone leaves the room. If the patient needs to nurse, everyone leaves the room. The patient comes first. The baby stays with the mother. Otherwise there's loads of time when you're just lying in bed gazing at your baby, drinking water or trying to eat something, chatting, hanging about in bed basically. During visiting hours those are ideal moments for family to visit. It sucks for the family because they never get to settle for more than a few minutes at a time, but that's their call. It might all be worth it to see the baby.

Yeah the op is only the person who has waited 9 months to hold her baby. As long as mil gets her moment ay?

Who asks a woman to do this??

I think it's perfectly acceptable to take a day or two to yourself after giving birth, c section or otherwise. Some people hop out of bed the next day wanting to show off their baby and some people are shell shocked and stitched up to the eye balls (like I was) and need a while to regroup and pull themselves together. Both are totally valid reactions and it's entirely up to you op, don't let anyone pressure you.

I had it and other women having it on the same day made it no less painful or uncomfortable

It didn’t bother me at all. I had twins and was trying to establish breastfeeding, feeling shell shocked at labour only really being 1.5 hours long, before the first birth. It was like “I feel overtaken by events - where did they come from all of a sudden?” After giving birth to two naturally, I felt like all my stomach muscles had been ripped out, and I’d spent several days on a horse and I am no horse rider!

The family on both sides came to see me and the babies. I couldn’t have cared less - and while you can discreetly breastfeed one baby, it’s a whole different ball game, feeding two newborns simultaneously.

I can’t understand women, who don’t want family there? Thirty five years later, after a few hiccups, I was closer to my MIL, than DM - because MIL was reliably there for us, as parents where DM was flaky and let us down on numerous occasions.

I’m guessing they’re not British! I have had to strong-arm my non-British in-laws on several occasions regarding boundaries like this. It pays to lay down the law early, in my experience. Middle Eastern MIL was about to invite millions of random friends and relatives to our wedding until firmly told no.

My family on both my side and DH’s are white British! IMO, it’s nice that people, especially those who are not blood relatives, are willing to come a long way to see the mum and baby! My SIL and her DH always offered us support with DD1, with SEN, or offered to have DD2, even though they lived 1.5 hours away from us!

As an elective section, it might be that you are in and out quite quickly. I had my second child by an elective c section. She was born midmorning and I was allowed home the next day in the afternoon. The only visitor therefore was my husband who was with me during surgery, but then went home in the evening to be with our eldest (also wouldn't have been allowed to stay anyway) and he brought the eldest to visit next day in the morning, dropped him home to my parents and then came back for me and the baby.

So if you don't want extra members visiting in the hospital I think that's fine. But you might also want to consider how soon you are up for visitors as would you still want them all turning up the next day saying well you are home now so thought it was ok.

Yanbu. The person who has had an operation gets to decide who visits them.

Almost 20yrs on I still feel awful about how so many people treated me like a zoo animal just hours after a c-section. If my son ever expects a baby with a partner I will keep well away unless asked, and even then I'd happily be a general dogsbody around the house if needed and not want to take over the baby.

Having a baby is not a performance sport.
As you rightly say, you will be a hospital patient during this time, because YOU have had an operation. If you need time to recover after the op before seeing anyone other than your Mum and DH, then that's up to you. You'll be home soon enough, and if you're not, you can have visitors after a few days.
I do remember feeling very overwhelmed after having Dc2 in hospital, and visitors from the moment we were off the labour ward. My mum said that her sister and kids were going to visit the next morning, and I said no, I couldn't deal with any more visitors, I just wanted time with the baby. Everyone was pressuring me to have visitors, because the timing suited them ( they wanted to see the baby before going on holiday) and I had to be very firm.
The time in hospital is the only time you will get where just you and the baby matter: as soon as you get back home you'll have to juggle the toddler too. You need a few hours alone with the baby.

I can't believe that your MIL just sat there when the midwife arrived and started doing the checks of you and the baby. She should have left the room or at least asked you whether you would like her to leave. That is such entitled and intrusive behaviour.

The only person at hospital after either of my C-sections was my husband. And he will be the only one coming over for our third.

I don't know why anyone else would be needed, you'll likely be out within 24h, 3-4 days top. Surely they can all wait a few days!

And also it's massively disruptive to all the other mums recovering on the ward to have so many people coming over. I've never actually seen anyone with more than 2 visitors, and even then they didn't stay very long.

I don't understand how the hospital is letting you have all these visitors anyway. Just tell mil it's 2 only and they can't be changed. I had DH only rule, there's really no reason to be clogging up the ward with loads of random guests, it's a hospital.

Husband only, I think you are being unfair to the MIL. Its her sons baby too.
Could it cause problems with your MIL in law in the future, and would your husband be resentful?
Having said the above it's only my opinion and the decision is yours.