C section - only want DH and my mum visiting in hospital

[moon9876]

So I am due baby number two in 3 weeks. For my first baby I had my parents and also MIL all visit at the same time the day baby was born (8 hours after middle of night section and no sleep) and it was too soon to have so many people there. I was exhausted and everyone was just passing baby taking pictures.

My MIL was also trying to invite all my husbands adult siblings to the hospital while i still had a catheter in. I told my husband to say no to this as I barely see them so needed some personal time to recover. DH wasn't particularly happy at the time but I felt I needed recovery time, which to be fair he did end up understanding.

This time around I only want my own mum and DH (and toddler) visiting in hospital then my dad and MIL can visit when we get home. I want my own mum there for the support as we are close, it's really not about who meets baby first and I don't want it to become that. I see myself as a hospital patient at this stage. My MIL isn't the most tactful and will be wanting me to take loads of pics of just her, baby and DH (based on last time) which I feel can be done when we are home.

Is this bad towards my MIL? It's so hard as I keep imagining how I would feel if my son's wife had a baby. However I also feel I need to prioritise my own mental and physical health in the few days after the op. Any advice?

Also not sure how DH will take it if I say I only want my mum to visit in hospital, so considering just saying no hospital visitor at all to eliminate any disagreement.

Fair enough. I didn’t want either.

I only have sons, so will always be the MIL when my sons’ partners have their babies. I understand 100% how exciting it is when a baby is born, but my first priority is, and always will be what my DIL wants or feels most comfortable with.

We have three grandchildren - including twins - and both times my DIL has given birth, dh and I have waited until we were asked to go and visit. We do live 8 hours drive from them, so visits tend to be a few days, so we definitely don’t visit until they are happy to see us for that length of time - even though we do stay in a hotel, and tell them that we will only visit for short times, if that suits them better. Ds1 and DIL know that, if they need some time without us, they can just say, and we will bugger off. And we do our best to be sensitive and to offer to take ourselves off if they are getting tired.

I can’t do an awful lot because I am disabled, but dh always does plenty of work round the house to make their life easier.

Tell him when he has 7 layers of his abdomen ripped open

She's having a medical procedure that hundreds of women have every day, not being savaged by a lion.

There is quite a lot of hyperbole on this thread.

Just cannot imagine being a MIL and prioritising my own (very understandable) desires over what's best for DIL and baby. She can wait a week or two!

@lollipopviolets
You write, 'birthed 'his' baby. But for the OP it is more 'her' baby. She has just given birth. She wants her mother there because they are 'really' close. Her MIL lives 4 hours away, her mother lives round the corner so pops in all the time. Of course her mother is going to be the main grandparent or 'third' parent.
Her husband already feels that his family is excluded. If the OP's mother is anything like the Mother and Daughter 'parents' I see at soft play, the OP will moan about her husband not getting properly involved with her children. He will feel even more excluded. if the marriage breaks down the OP will resent her MIL seeing 'her' children without her and she will try to impose conditions on who can see the baby. In this case it is not 'his' baby.
i have seen a friend's son's marriage break down because he is so excluded from the immediate family unit. I can really understand a new mother asking for privacy after birth but to exclude his family so obviously will be hurtful. Not to her PILS who hopefully won't know, but to her husband who will quickly realise that 'her' Mum will be treated very differently as a grandmother to 'his' mother.

No ..op is fine to have her mum .
It's not about keeping things fair for the grandparents
It's about doing what mum is comfortable with to secure a safe birth and post partum.
And I say that as a mum of three boys , knowing that will be me not seeing baby first ..but that's absolutely fine ..it's not a competition..girls are often closer to their mum's than their husbands mums

@MyAcornWood is right, insisting on going to the hospital makes no sense. Also, If they really must see the baby soon after birth, DH can send photos and videos all day long. I think it’s more about wanting to be part of the event, some sort of self importance. It’s certainly not about seeing the mum.

I think your husband should firmly but nicely tell her to wait until you are ready for visitors. If he won’t do that then you should tell her that when he gives birth your mum will be more than happy to stay away until he is ready for visitors, but until then she has to wait and the more she acts up the longer the wait will be

I think there is something really special about seeing a tiny baby when it's newborn. I can understand you only wanting to see your husband and your mum. I can understand DH wanting to introduce his new baby to his mum when it's still tiny.

I think there would be an argument for his mum popping in, meeting the baby briefly (but not seeing you) and then leaving again. However, this would depend on his mum being able to accept and comply with those boundaries (which doesn't sound likely) and also being willing to travel that far for a very short visit.

It does really depend on how things go - how you are, how the baby is, how long you are in hospital, and you won't know that until the baby is born.

I do think the feelings and needs of the person who has just done a nine-month pregnancy and then a labour, and has hormones all over the place, should be prioritised, but I don't think that should be to the exclusion of everyone else including the father.

You are the one giving birth. It's up to you if you want anyone there. Only you.

Is there time for anyone to visit you in hospital? I had a c section. Once on the ward I had a PPH and after all that I had anaesthetist and breastfeeding peer supporter round to check on me, plus the regular obs all afternoon. The next day we had all the checks on me, baby, waited to have all the cannulas out, and then I was wheeled down to the car. I don't know when we could have had random family member coming in and out!

Give over. Just because hundreds of women have it done every day doesn't make it less of a physical trauma to the body.

I have had a C section, and it's not a conveyor belt where you walk in, have a minor procedure and come out feeling like you're on top of the world with a baby in your arms. The only time I really couldn't have given a flying fig who was in the room and who had the baby is when the anesthesiologist was pumping me full of drugs.

You’re absolutely right you are the hospital patient, die on this hill and be firm with your decision

Personally I can't imagine anything worse than having visitors just after I gave birth when I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and was trying to figure out BF.

I'm not close with my DM so wouldn't have wanted her there, but can totally understand why you would want yours there if you have a close relationship.

I remember a midwife arriving at my house when my MiL was visiting my DS for the first time & I felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable having to try and show the midwife how I was BF whilst my MiL looked on. I think if she hadn't been there I would have been more comfortable to talk the the midwife about the BF problems I had been having.

After a major operation you want your mum. It's time we remembered who has undergone the operation and who should take priority.

I did have visitors, but I bet they wished they hadn't come.

A midwife and a student came to walk me to the showers while there were plenty of people around for the baby, and my incision tore back open about 3 inches and blood started gushing everywhere.

It also made it impossible for them to do the hearing test because everybody on the ward had loud visitors, and we ended up having to come back in to repeat the test which I did not want to really be doing when all I'd been given was paracetamol.

If he asks why then just because you're having major surgery and those are your wishes. If he can't respect them he can bugger off too.

I think this is absolutely fine. Your mum is coming to support you as her dd, your husband is there to support you as his wife. The meet the baby bit can be done properly at home and I think it's also about remembering that it is different for you this time because you've another child who's family dynamic is shifting who might struggle with seeing lots of people fuss over a new sibling. So I'd use your dc as your excuse that you're having less people at the hospital to keep it calmer for him, but just your mum is coming to support and help you.

Your dh gets to have an opinion on this when he gives birth. His job in this is to prioritise YOUR needs and guard your door if needed, not prioritise his mother. The fact you found it too much last time should be all he needs to hear. I think any decent and respectful mil would fully understand why you'd want your mum there. Babies are not new toys for passing about and the needs of women who have just had major surgery should not fade into the background post birth.

Yanbu

This is something some women seem to forget when it’s suddenly their son’s child being born.

They seem to forget how they felt as that vulnerable just given birth women feel. How it’s her who needs the support. The baby just needs mum. Mum needs people to support and help her. If you’re not help your hindering. It’s not about meeting the baby this is an about a women wanting her mum to help her. Baby just happens to be there.

Mil often not all just want to rush in and only care about baby and their son. Forgetting the incubator. I mean mother.

This op. I had my mum and dh around. That is what I wanted and everyone respected that because Dh made it clear that I was the priority. Why can’t people just wait till you get home.

I'm a boy mum and I would totally respect this of a future DIL. Your mum is not there for the baby, that's a happy but untended outcome. She is there to care for her baby, you. You need peace, privacy and care.

It's great that your DH wants his mother involved. It shows he has strong family values and ties which is a great quality. When you tell him this I would highlight that as a plus but then explain you loved the time with just you, him and the baby and everyone being there overwhelmed you. Your mum not there because she is the favourite but you feel safe around her and her quiet caregiving will allow you to devote what little energy you have to your family of four.

As a compromise would you allow your husband to do a little video call?

Have whoever you want there OP & feel no guilt about it whatsoever.

I had only my own parents visit when I was in hospital after having my daughter and will be doing the same again this time. I was in hospital after surgery a few years ago and my PIL never even text to check in, nevermind ask to come visit or offer any support, nor would I expect them to but I didn’t see why they would then think they had any right to expect to rush to the hospital after I’d given birth. After a pph, tear, lots of stitches, no sleep, transfusion etc, I was every bit as much of a patient postpartum as I was after surgery years before, I wasn’t a walking baby machine for people to come have a good look at!

I had a c section. My parents visited within 48 hours.
I can't imagine preventing my PIL from seeing the baby at that stage - if I didnt want to see them I'd have got DH to wheel the baby into the day room for a (v short) time while I slept.

Its not about the baby or making it a competition. It's about you. Your own mum and MIL are not the same. Your mum is there for you. I'm 31 and still want my mum when I'm sick 😂

There is nothing wrong with wanting your mum after you've had a baby and I'm amazed anyone thinks it's a problem. I'm pretty sure it's natural. I presume in generations past, women would have helped their daughters during and after labour.

I think you’re being a bit unfair and I had a section. To be honest I wasn’t in hospital for long at all, only the bare minimum 24 hours, and by the time I was back on the ward and all the checks etc had been done I wouldn’t really have had time for any visitors. I felt like I had midwives, doctors etc in my cubical all day!

Can’t you just ask both to visit you at home?