C section - only want DH and my mum visiting in hospital

[moon9876]

So I am due baby number two in 3 weeks. For my first baby I had my parents and also MIL all visit at the same time the day baby was born (8 hours after middle of night section and no sleep) and it was too soon to have so many people there. I was exhausted and everyone was just passing baby taking pictures.

My MIL was also trying to invite all my husbands adult siblings to the hospital while i still had a catheter in. I told my husband to say no to this as I barely see them so needed some personal time to recover. DH wasn't particularly happy at the time but I felt I needed recovery time, which to be fair he did end up understanding.

This time around I only want my own mum and DH (and toddler) visiting in hospital then my dad and MIL can visit when we get home. I want my own mum there for the support as we are close, it's really not about who meets baby first and I don't want it to become that. I see myself as a hospital patient at this stage. My MIL isn't the most tactful and will be wanting me to take loads of pics of just her, baby and DH (based on last time) which I feel can be done when we are home.

Is this bad towards my MIL? It's so hard as I keep imagining how I would feel if my son's wife had a baby. However I also feel I need to prioritise my own mental and physical health in the few days after the op. Any advice?

Also not sure how DH will take it if I say I only want my mum to visit in hospital, so considering just saying no hospital visitor at all to eliminate any disagreement.

I totally think you should have who you want there OP, I can see why it’s a little unfair on your MIL, but theres nothing like your own mum.

When I was having my DC I said just me and DH, but I did say to him that if at anytime I’m distressed or something happens and I ask for my mum then please call her. Everything was fine and my family saw the baby when we were home the next day.

A good DH should prioritise your health and feelings immediately after pregnancy and birth over family members’ wishes.

I hated that after difficult births and surgery I had to care for a tiny DC with no healthcare for me and no privacy or sense of safety in hospital. Family on both sides were lovely, but would have much preferred to see them much later, at home.

I think your mil insisting on siblings visiting was totally unreasonable.
Very poor of your husband to not immediately get this.
You just had surgery.
Stick to your guns.

Don't let anyone sway you from what you want to do. YANBU to not want anyone there you aren't totally comfortable with.

You'll be home soon enough & then she can visit.

I felt like I'd been hit by a train with my last C section as I reacted badly to the spinal. I was just too unwell for visitors and had even sent DH home as he was getting on my nerves asking if I felt better yet .

This one of those situations where you need to state right from the get go that you will be taking it hour by hour after the surgery and will let people know IF you're up to visitors in hospital at all.

I was in this position a while back and I am so, so glad I held my nerve and didn't have MIL at the hospital. You are the person having the surgery, you are the person in the hospital bed, you pick who comes to see you. If your MIL is that bothered then I guess she could meet your husband in the lobby to get a peek at the baby, but realistically it's not going to kill her to wait ten days and come over when the baby is born.

Well thankfully my family had no expectations. Both births I had visits from husband and good nursing friends who were brilliant just making me comfortable. Genuinely cannot remember where MIL and my lovely Mum was .Siblings met their brothers at home. Absolutely no drama.

With DD (ELCS) I would have only been in for 24 hours if my blood pressure hadn't been a bit high. Which would have meant visitors before I could even have a wee on my own so no thanks!
As it was I was in two nights but again it wouldn't have occurred to me to have anyone but DH. It was painful and my boobs were out. Surely people can wait three days to see a baby?!

My brother in law actually did pop in to visit as he was a consultant at the hospital though!

Why should OP have to be separated from her day old baby for no reason?

My MIL caused me so much stress when she came to visit me in hospital that my blood pressure spiked crazily high and I had to stay in for an extra night and be on meds for 6 weeks! If I had the choice again, I would definitely make her wait until I got home to visit and then I could go and put a wash on or something if I needed some space

I think with both mine my parents saw the baby the day out of hospital (mainly as they were doing child and dog care for us) and in-laws the day after. I can't see how a day makes a difference. Most people aren't in for more than a few days anyway.

Surely you only need DH at hospital?

It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to invite DM or MIL. I was in and out in not much more than 24 hours after a C-section though so not much time for anyone to visit anyway.

Because she’s just had major abdominal surgery and given birth which attributes the hormones that go along with that. Even after an elective you can’t move from the bed without help, can’t pick up your own baby without help a lot of the time, can’t wash, need food bringing to you… what about that state isn’t vulnerable?

I had 3 very easy births, and I would still consider myself “vulnerable” in the immediate aftermath of all of them.

I’ve had an emergency section and an elective section. None of what you wrote applied to me.

Have who you want at the hospital. This isn’t about visiting. It’s about support and care and it’s fine that you want your mum and not mil. Visiting can happen when you feel up to visitors.

I knew the date of my planned C-section before my 20 week scan and told only DH. We didn’t tell anyone else until afterwards. Also didn’t have any visitors but absolutely agree that you are the patient and it’s up to you. I didn’t want my baby out of my sight for the first few weeks (months maybe!).

OP, you don't have to justify your choice of who to support you during and after birth, it's an incredibly personal decision and anyone with your interests at heart will respect it.

I don't understand this 'it's unfair to exclude this person but not that one', you're having major surgery and bringing a new person into the world, not holding a tea party.

This last sentence horrified me.
Your MIL was extremely rude to stay in the room during your consultation.
She should have immediately excused herself to another part of the house and given you your privacy.
I’m afraid I would have (politely) told her to leave the room if she showed no signs of so doing of her own volition.
Dreadful.

Ridiculously rude. It’s not precious to need to recover from major abdominal surgery before hosting heaps of visitors.
OP isn’t just a birthing vessel to deliver a grandchild, she is the patient. Likely to be in pain, hooked up to catheter/monitoring machinery, half naked and wanting to keep her dignity and privacy.

I couldn’t agree more, @NewGirlInTown!

People - even midwives - seem to forget that a c-section really IS major abdominal surgery. I used to be a nurse, and the way patients were treated on general surgical wards following similar abdominal surgery and the way c-section patients are treated is awful.

It's not pay per view. It also doesn't have to be fair. Your mum is there to support you because it's you who is having a medical procedure. If he wants his mum to support him at his prostate examination then I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate your mum there to hold his other hand and make that fair. It's your body. It's your procedure.

I have had both an emergency and an elective csection. The emergency was very traumatic I had a lot of visitors turn up but I was fucked and could have done without it.

The elective was super chill. The discrared me within 24 hours. No drama.